Louis Cha - The Deer and the Cauldron

‘So what I say is, the Emperor’s OK, and the Triads are OK. He wants me to wipe out the Triads, and I said I won’t. They want me to kill him, and I said I won’t. The end result is, everyone’s got it in for me. So what I say is, time for Trink to quit! Time to retire!’

‘Lodge Master Wei, we did not come here to ask you to kill the Emperor,’ said Gu.

‘Oh good!’ cried Trinket. Til agree to just about anything else! What do you want then, gentlemen’’

Gu went to the cabin window and looked out into the night. Having reassured himself that they were alone, he walked back to Trinket.

We don’t want you to kill the Emperor,’ he said slowly and meaningfully. ‘We want you to be the Emperor!’

There was a sudden crashing sound as the teacup Trinket had been holding in his hand fell to the ground and smashed into a dozen pieces.

‘You … you’re joking, aren’t you’’

‘We are certainly not joking!’ protested Zha Yihuang. ‘We have been debating this among ourselves for months now. Our cause is sinking fast into decline. People are beginning to forget about the Ming altogether. One reason, as you so rightly said just now, is that there were palpable excesses under the Ming regime, there were terrible crimes perpetrated against the people by certain Ming Emperors and their cohorts. But nothing will ever change the fact that the Manchus invaded our country, humiliated our people, and made us wear their pigtails! And they are not Chinese, and never will be, when all is said and done. You are the man to save our cause, Lodge Master Wei! If you raise the standard of revolt and set yourself up as the new Emperor, the people will surely follow!’

Trinket thought he must be dreaming. He waved his hand from one side to the other.

‘No! It’s just not for me. I could never be Emperor. Not me! Never!’

‘We’re counting on you!’ said old Gu. ‘The Chinese people need you!’

‘Yes,’ added Lii. ‘With you at their head, the Chinese people will surely be victorious and send the Manchu invaders packing once and for all!’

Trinket’s heart was racing. The thought had never occurred to him, not in his wildest dreams. He stared into space for a moment. Then’

‘But I’m just a street kid!’ he said. ‘I was born in a whorehouse. The only things I’m any good at are swearing and gambling! I don’t even make a convincing general! I could never pull off being an Emperor! Never! It’s not in my stars! And anyway, a fortuneteller once told me’ if I was ever Emperor, I wouldn’t last three days!’

Lii laughed politely. This was just the Lodge Master talking silly again. Besides, plenty of bad’mouthed, gambling ragamuffins had succeeded in becoming Emperors in China’s past. Take the founder of the Han dynasty, for a start.

Trinket kept waving away the idea.

‘Gentlemen, we are friends, and what I am saying is the truth. Believe me!’

He patted himself on the head.

Tamardy! I’d like to live another ten years! I’d like to eat a few more good meals, watch a few more good plays, look at a few more pretty girls, listen to a few more storytellers and ballad’singers-that’s what I’d like to use this head of mine for! That’s what I’d like to use these eyes and ears for! And if I let myself be Emperor, I’d lose it all! I know (and you know) that being Emperor is no fun at all! There’s always something happening somewhere-in Taiwan, in Yunnan-a rebellion, a famine, you name it, the Emperor’s got to fix it! No thank you! It’s not a job I fancy at all. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! And that’s final!’

He had allowed himself to get quite heated. The Four Gentlemen exchanged glances’ there was clearly no hope. Trinket was not a potential occupant of the Dragon Throne.

Well,’ said Gu, after a long pause, ‘we don’t need to reach a final decision tonight-’

Suddenly they heard the sound of horses’ hooves galloping up along the bank. In the stillness of the night, the sound carried loud and clear.

A Man can only be Who He Is ‘What are men on horseback doing here in the middle of the night’’ asked Huang Zongxi. 1 Mt l^ttK’MNU I Mt l

‘Could they be Imperial troops on night patrol’’ ventured Lii.

‘Not making that sort of racket!’ said Zha, shaking his head. ‘I’ll wager they’re some River and Lake brigade or other.’

Now there were horses on the other bank too. The second boat (containing Trinket’s womenfolk) pulled closer, and both Su Quan and Doublet leapt on board.

‘I don’t like the look of these people!’ cried Su Quan. ‘I think we should all stick together.’

Trinket told her to bring all the women on board. The Four Gentlemen were not really the womanizing type, he added, so females would be safe enough in their company. (Trinket semed to be showing strange signs of acquiring Confucian scruples about the separation of the sexes, now that he was a [several times over] married man.) This last remark of his provoked an outburst of indignation from the four men, and they clambered up on deck and withdrew to a discrete distance. The Princess and the others came on board.

They heard bamboo whistles blowing from both banks.

‘Triad whistles!’ cried Trinket.

Then a voice called out’

Trinket Wei! Come forward!’

Tamardy!’ muttered Trinket. ‘Seems I’m not Lodge Master any more, just plain Trinket Wei.’

Su Quan held him back.

‘Wait till I’ve found out what’s going on. I don’t like the look of this.’

She stepped out on to the deck.

‘Which of you is asking for Lord Wei’’

She saw rows of mounted Triads drawn up in the dark on both banks, their heads wrapped in blue turbans, their swords drawn.

‘We are Triad Brothers!’ cried the leader of the group on the west bank.

Su Quan whispered to Trinket’ ‘Try out one of the Triad secret verses on them.’

Trinket stood in the doorway of the cabin and called out’

When the Five Fathers divided a verse of poetry, No one knew that the heroes had it on their person.

‘Those are some of the old lines!’ cried the man contemptuously. ‘They mean nothing! Since Trinket Wei betrayed our cause and went over to the enemy, since he killed his own Shifu, our beloved Helmsman, all the old secret verses and passwords have been changed!’ ‘And who are you}’ cried Trinket. ‘Are you Trinket Wei’’ returned the other. ‘I am.’ ‘Then I can reveal my own identity. My name is Shu, from the Transformation Lodge of Zhejiang.’ ‘Brother Shu, this is all a big misunderstanding. Is your own Lodge Master Li here’’ ‘Lodge Master Li is dead!’ cried the man bitterly. ‘He died in a fit of rage at your treachery!’ Cries were coming from both banks. ‘Kill him! Chop him up! Vengeance for the Helmsman! Vengeance for Lodge Master Li!’ Various projectiles started raining down onto the boat. Gu and the other gentlemen put their Confucian scruples aside and went hurrying back into the cabin. Now darts and arrows were let loose at the boat, and finally a flaming arrow set the cabin roof on fire. Soon the whole boat was ablaze. Trinket turned to Su Quan. ‘We must think of a way to stop this!’ Su Quan had an idea. ‘Mr Gu Yanwu is here with us!’ she cried, thinking that Gu was such a widely respected figure, his presence might bring a halt to the attack. But her voice was completely lost in the pandemonium. ‘Come on!’ cried Trinket to his womenfolk, ‘let’s all shout his name together!’ And they did. ‘Mister-GU-YAN-WU-is on board the boat with us!’ First some of the Triad shouting abated; then the darts stopped coming, and finally the man named Shu came forward and asked, somewhat incredulously’ ‘Is Mr Gu really on the boat with you’’ The next thing they knew, their still buring boat was being pulled to the bank, and they were all being helped onto dry land. Gu was greeted with the deepest respect, and profoundest apologies.