Louis Cha - The Deer and the Cauldron

‘And now, to the house of Colonel Tai’s Eighth Concubine!’

Dolong rubbed his hands in glee.

‘Why not strip the woman too, and tie them up together’’ suggested Zhao Qixian, and the men roared their approval, all entering into the spirit of the thing. Dolong decided he wanted to be personally present, to witness the spectacle of old Tai’s woman stripped naked.

Just as they were about to set off, one of Trinket’s men came hurrying in. He was one of the group sent ahead to Sweet Water Lane (where Colonel Tai’s Eighth lived), to scout out the land. The latest news was that an entire regiment of country women had descended on the lady’s residence, armed with all sorts of rustic implements, and had dragged her out into the street. Old Tai had come rushing over on horseback (one shoe on, one shoe off), to find that this whole event had been stage’managed by his jealous termagant of a wife.

Clearly now their original plan for Feng Xifan was going to have to be modified. For the guards’ benefit, Trinket looked disappointed that it would no longer be possible to see the hated Feng humiliated in this comical and scandalous manner. But in actual fact he had already (as was his wont-with Trinket, necessity was often the mother of invention) dreamt up an even better plan. It was now almost dawn, and that very morning Whiskers Mao was due to be executed. To find a way of saving his old friend was still in the forefront of Trinket’s mind and, while racking his brains for an idea, it had occurred to him that many was the opera he had seen in which one person was substituted for another at the last moment, just before the executioner’s blade fell… .

Trinket issued the necessary orders (and distributed the necessary largesse), and then went in to his personal apartment. It seemed lonely in there, without his wives and children, all of whom were already in the Palace, at the Empress Dowager’s invitation. He stretched himself out fully clothed on his bed, and was soon sound asleep.

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First thing in the morning (a mere hour or two later), Trinket was woken up by a messenger bearing an Imperial Summons’ Lord Wei, Duke of Luding, was to supervise the Execution of the Notorious Brigand Whiskers Mao Eighteen. When he went out to his reception hall shortly afterwards, he saw Oolong’s men dragging in Whiskers, bruised and battered, his face caked in blood, after his night of ‘questioning’ in the Palace jail. ‘So!’ cried the indomitable Whiskers. ‘You’re to be my executioner as well as the Helmsman’s! See how the little guttersnipe I hauled all the way from his mother’s whore’house has grown up to be a spineless traitor and licker of Tartar arses!’ Whiskers was transported, still cursing and swearing, to the Execution Ground on the site of the old Vegetable Market, in the southern part of the Inner City. Dolong followed on horseback, Trinket in a large horse’drawn carriage. Whiskers himself stood in an ox’drawn cart, his hands bound, and a wooden signboard tied at his throat, inscribed with his name and the grim words FOR IMMEDIATE EXECUTION. The cart went via the Horse Market, where a large crowd had already gathered. Whiskers stood upright and shouted defiantly as the cart rolled down the street. The crowd cheered and shouted out noisy hurrahs, to the effect that the criminal was indeed a Brave Man and True! They reached the Execution Ground, which was at the crossroads formed by Horse Market Avenue and Martial Gate Street. Dolong had posted two thousand Palace Guards around the square, forewarned by the Emperor of the likelihood of a Triad attempt to rescue the condemned man. Whiskers stood in the middle of the open space and yelled at the top of his lungs’ ‘One day they’ll die-the filthy Tartars who stole our land!’ Trinket descended from his carriage and took his seat in the covered stand erected for the occasion at one end of the square. He invited Dolong to sit next to him. Dolong looked worried. The sooner we have this man’s head off the better. He’s saying the sort of things that are likely to inflame the crowd.’ Trinket gave the order, and four men dragged Mao before the stand. He refused to kneel. Trinket turned to Dolong’ ‘You are absolutely sure that this is the man’’ ‘Absolutely sure.’ ‘Very well. The criminal has been duly identified. Proceed immediately with the execution!’

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With a brush he drew the necessary red circle on the wooden signboard and threw it to the ground. One of the guards picked it up and Mao was dragged away again.

Trinket turned to Dolong.

‘I’ve something here that might amuse you.’

He produced a wad of folded silken handkerchiefs from his inside pocket, and passed them to Dolong. The top one was decorated with a finely painted and very titillating erotic scene, done in a most lifelike manner. Dolong’s eyes lit up. He examined the next one, which depicted an extremely intriguing sexual posture.

‘Hm … most interesting!’ he commented, with a big grin on his face, and carried on leafing through the collection. The pictures became more and more ‘interesting’ the further down the pile he got’ one man with two women, two men with three women… . Dolong was becoming unmistakably aroused.

‘Where did you get these from’ Any chance you could buy me a set’’

‘Keep them,’ replied Trinket. They’re a present.’

Dolong was effusive in his thanks, and folded his new treasure and put it away in his inside pocket. At that very moment there was a loud report as the three guns were fired to signal the commencement of the execution proper. A guard came hurrying up’

‘It is time, sir.’

Trinket took Dolong by the hand, and walked out from the covered stand. Mao was now kneeling in the middle of the square, his head hung, his old defiant spirit apparently quite crushed. He almost looked unconscious. The drummer beat his drum. The brightly clad executioner raised his arm and down came the great blade. Off fell the head, and with his left foot the executioner kicked it free. The criminal’s body tumbled forwards, as fresh blood pumped from the neck.

‘His Majesty’s orders have been carried out’ said Dolong. ‘I shall report to the Palace.’

Trinket sobbed to Dolong’

That man was very close to me, and I could do nothing to save him!’

He wiped his tears away with his sleeve, but continued sobbing. Dolong did his best to console him’

‘At least you can try to give him a decent burial.’

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The reason Trinket had wiped away his tears with his sleeve was simple’ the sleeve contained a quantity of fresh ginger, and the ginger had the effect of immediately stimulating tears and making his eyes convincingly red. Trinket was in fact silently laughing to himself, rejoicing in the success of his little scheme. He climbed back into his carriage and returned home, leaving some of his guards to wrap the dead body in a length of rush matting, place it in a coffin that had been procured especially, and nail it down securely.

When Trinket reached home, he stepped down from his carnage and went inside. The carriage itself carried straight on, making its way out through one of the main city gates and heading south towards the city of Yangzhou.

Aftermath of an Execution A few days later, Dolong called on Trinket to report the ‘strange disappearance’ of Feng Xifan. Dolong himself suspected that Trinket had probably had him beaten to death, but he was glad enough to lay the blame at the door of Colonel Tai’s Vanguard men. What Dolong did not know was that the extraordinary coincidence of Colonel Tai’s wife suddenly leading her army of women to Sweet Water Lane had in fact been no coincidence at all. Trinket had planned it all, in order to abort their original plan for Feng Xifan, whereby Feng would have ended up in bed with Tai’s Eighth Concubine. He had thought of a far better plan’ he had seen to it that a false compartment was built into the wall of the stand at the Execution Ground, and that the semi’conscious Feng was hidden there. Once Dolong had positively identified the condemned man, at the very moment when Mao was being dragged out to be decapitated, Trinket had distracted Dolong with the pornographic hankies, while his carefully briefed men swapped Feng for Mao. It was Feng’s head that rolled onto the square. And Mao had been smuggled out aboard Trinket’s carriage, gagged (who knows what he might have tried to shout otherwise’). The carriage then made post’haste towards the South, and only once they had crossed the Yellow River did they stop to explain to Mao what had really happened. He was given three thousand taels and set free. He now knew that he owed his life to Trinket, and that Trinket was not a traitor or a bad man after all. He vowed never to abuse him publicly again. PHt UttK.AINIL’ I