M. Scott - Rome - The Emperor's spy

‘Did Hannah say that she wanted to be parted from you and Math?’ He could say her name. For that, Pantera gave private thanks to his god.

‘Hannah is… ambivalent.’ Ajax said. ‘I am grateful, naturally, for her kindness in that. But she made her choice last night in the goose-keeper’s-’

‘Stop.’ If they spoke of that, Pantera knew he would lose what courage he had. ‘If she had made any kind of choice, she would have told you so clearly. She has more courage than either of us.’

A muscle twitched on Ajax’s cheek. ‘She does.’

‘So we can agree about something.’ Pantera sat down on the dusty stone harbour, leaning his back against the harbourmaster’s house. Ajax stood outlined by the crystal sky, and the sea. He burned with life; it was not hard to see why a woman might love him.

Pantera said, ‘It’s not only Hannah who has to make a choice. I made mine this morning in Nero’s garden. Math’s freedom comes at the expense of my own. To Nero, I have given my word to hunt Saulos. To Shimon, I have promised to do whatever I can to keep Jerusalem intact. Hypatia and Mergus have pledged to help me.’

Ajax shook his head. ‘Shimon and Hypatia would release you from your pledges, and from what I’ve seen of Mergus, he will follow where you lead and count himself lucky. As to Nero — you don’t have to keep your word to that… filth.’

‘I do. He’s emperor and his word is law. Your father escaped him, but Math has a family to meet and he can’t do so if he’s constantly running from Nero’s agents. So I must go, and Hannah can’t come with me. Even if she wanted to, I wouldn’t take her; the risk is too great. I give her to your care. Whether you choose to love her or to abandon her out of false pride is entirely your own affair.’

Ajax watched the gulls a while. ‘Her child,’ he said. ‘In Valerius’ dream I was the father, but-’

‘When I was with the Dumnonii, a child’s father was the man who reared her, who taught her, who protected her, who cared for her as she grew. Who sired her mattered not. If that has changed…’ Pantera shrugged.

‘It hasn’t.’ Ajax crouched down on his heels. Their eyes were level. His gaze searched the crannies of Pantera’s soul. ‘You love her as I do,’ he said. ‘Why are you doing this?’

Under the merciful touch of his god, Pantera gave the best and only gift in his possession. ‘When she reached the height of her passion,’ he said, ‘she spoke a name. It wasn’t mine.’

‘Truly?’ Ajax’s eyes did not let go.

‘I swear it in the name of my god, and by the oath I gave your father. Nothing is more sacred to me.’ By that same god, by that same memory of Caradoc, Pantera hid deep in his own memory the name he had heard and prayed that Ajax not ask it.

He didn’t.

They were silent a long time. Neither of them broke the thread of their joined gaze. At the end, Ajax held out his hand. They hooked their fingers together and, like that, using each other as a lever, they stood.

‘If you need help in killing Saulos,’ Ajax said, ‘you know the ways to ask.’

‘I know some of them, I think. But I’ll try not to impose.’

‘Helping a brother is never an imposition. And when you have killed him, there will always be a place for you amongst the bear-warriors of Britain, wherever we are. Hannah’s daughter will be there. She will grow knowing who sired her; that Sebastos Pantera was first among his peers in the skills of life, and war.’

Pantera found his throat dry, and speech difficult. ‘If you were to name her Gunovar,’ he said, ‘it would be a great kindness. One day, perhaps I will tell her why.’

‘Hannah?’

She heard Pantera call her name, and could read nothing in it. But then she watched them come round the side of the harbourmaster’s house together as brothers, and knew there was only one way that could have come about. She was already weeping when Pantera reached her and drew her aside.

‘Why?’ she asked.

The others turned their backs, giving them privacy. Pantera’s hands stroked her hair as they had done in the night, and under the veiled gaze of dawn. His eyes fed on her face.

‘Nero had Math,’ he said. ‘The only thing I had to bargain with was myself. I have pledged to hunt Saulos. Hypatia and Mergus have sworn to come with me.’

‘Shimon?’

‘Shimon will die this evening. He is Nero’s scapegoat; a man on whom all blame can rest.’

‘Oh, Shimon…’ She pressed her head to his chest where the even beat of his heart reached her. ‘I don’t want to lose you.’ The words were jagged in her throat.

He kissed the crown of her head. ‘I’ll be with Hypatia. We can talk of you together. Ajax couldn’t have done that.’ He leaned back, and tilted her head up. ‘I promised I’d bring her to greet you. She’s here, she’ll come if you want her, but she said it would be easier on both of you not to meet again. You said your goodbyes in the goose-hut.’

Hannah said nothing; speech was impossible. Pantera read the answer in her eyes. ‘I’ll tell her,’ he said.

He stepped back. She caught his wrists, thinking he was leaving. ‘Will your daughter never know you?’ she asked. ‘What do I tell her?’

‘Tell her the truth. That you loved two men, one of whom sired her, one of whom fathered her. Ajax has said he will tell her the same.’ He eased his hands free, kindly. ‘Ajax said I could come and find you when Saulos is dead. I’ll send word first. If you don’t want me, if it will make your lives too difficult, tell me so and I will find somewhere else to go.’

‘I won’t do that.’ She was frantic now, feeling the end. ‘I couldn’t.’

‘Don’t sell your future to the present. Only raise our daughter well, knowing love, and not war. You and Ajax can do this. It’s what matters most.’

He bent his head and kissed her and straightened and walked away to speak to Math. Hannah did not move until he was gone.

Without knowing, Pantera had saved the hardest to last.

Math came to him slowly, as one who expects a beating. As he crossed the white stone, Pantera had time to think how long he had known it would come to this. Entering Nero’s garden, certainly, it had been clear there was no other way out. Leaving the goose-keeper’s cottage, he was fairly sure he had already known it. And then perhaps before he got there, in the night when he made his bargain with Nero and was prefect for the duration of darkness, with a promise that a boy would be freed with the dawn. Or before that, even, before he’d returned to Rome, when he saw the race in the compound at Alexandria, and Nero’s grief. Or in Coriallum, giving his oath to a dying man in a fire. Or stepping on to the dock, to see a gold-headed, filthy dock thief pretending to fish with the stink of horses in his hair. Or ‘Must you go?’ Math’s voice was breaking. For the first time, Pantera heard it slide down and crack and come back again. ‘Nero won’t find us if you don’t do as he said.’

‘I’m afraid he will. And there’s no honour in giving an oath and then breaking it. Even to such as he. Valerius and Ajax will teach you that.’

‘I want to learn it from you.’ Math’s face was pinched and white under the violent afternoon sun. Blued echoes of sleeplessness and anguish laid their prints beneath his eyes. The joy with which he had held Ajax was burned away in a loss for which he felt responsible.

Pantera felt himself too tall, but did not want to crouch. He sat on a stone bollard set into the dockside and so brought his face level with Math’s. ‘You’ve learned almost as much as I can teach you,’ he said. ‘But I promise you now that if it’s possible to come back after we’ve killed Saulos, I will do it. And an oath to you given from the heart is worth ten to other people.’