Колин Бейтман - Titanic 2020

To save a lot of time, right here at the start, let's be sure of our facts:

1. In this year, 2020, as the new Titanic prepares to set sail on its maiden voyage, nobody can doubt it is the finest, most luxurious cruise ship in all the world. It's unsinkable.

2. The original Titanic was built in Jimmy's home town of Belfast. It sank in the early hours of April 15, 1912.

3. Jimmy's great-grandfather helped build the first Titanic. Jimmy's great-grandfather was useless at building things — no wonder it sank.

4. Everyone said that Titanic was 'unsinkable' as well. 1,500 passengers and crew died when the Titanic went down. Moral of the story — don't listen to what people say. And learn to swim.

5. History is dead boring. If you really want to learn about the old Titanic, go rent the movie.

6. Can't think of a 6, but I'm sure something will come to me.

7. Nope, still nothing.

This is the bit before the story really gets going — i.e. before The End of Civilization As We Know It— which kind of goes some way towards explaining what Lucky Jimmy Armstrong was doing stowing away on the new Titanic in the first place. It's sort of exciting, although not as exciting as the rest of it — what with the plagueand the mutinyand the flesh eating dogs— but it's worth bearing with it so that you understand that he wasn't really there out of choice, that he was just trying to do something right for a change.

***

The year was 2020, and not much different. Sometimes Lucky Jimmy Armstrong was sick to death of hearing about the Titanic. You would think he had actually sailed on it or something, instead of some mouldy old ancestor who'd gone down with the flimsy pile of junk. But, like it or not, Lucky Jimmy Armstrong was doomed to have the Titanic figure largely in his life. His granddad was always talking about it, his parents were always talking about it, and since they'd started building a new Titanic just down the road from his school — and you could see it taking shape, day in, day out, because it was the size of a city — all of his teachers and most of his fellow pupils were always talking about it as well.

Now, as an extra-special treat, they were about to get a tour of this new Titanic [1] Actually, I've just remembered 6, which is why Lucky Jimmy Armstrong is called 'Lucky' Jimmy Armstrong. It's a sarcastic joke. Ever since Jimmy's great-grandfather went down on the Titanic the family had been plagued with ill luck. The Armstrongs attract accidents and controversy the way summer flowers attract bees. This 'Lucky' Jimmy Armstrong, thirteen years old, was simply following in the family tradition. .

There were thirty-eight boys and girls from East Belfast High on board a bus designed for half that number. They were crammed into seats and standing in the aisle, pushing, shoving, yelling, pinching, punching and swearing as they baked in the heat of a sweltering June morning. They wanted off, but the driver, the rotund Mr Carmichael, wouldn't let them until the teacher in charge, Mr McDowell, gave the all-clear, and he didn't seem to be in the slightest hurry — possibly because he was already standing on the dock, enjoying the cool sea breeze as he discussed the tour with the guide provided by White Star International, the owners of the Titanic.

Eventually the doors slid open and Mr McDowell's appearance was greeted with a sarcastic round of applause. 'All right, all right,' he said. 'Keep it down. If you'll all just get off in an orderly fashion and form yourselves into two neat lines . . .'

In the stampede that followed Mr McDowell was almost crushed. He yelled for order, but was completely ignored. The White Star guide looked at them apprehensively — it had been his idea to invite pupils from the local school. He had thought it would be good publicity, but now he wasn't so sure.

Mr McDowell waved his hands in the air. 'All right . . . settle down now . . .'

Jimmy was slapped from behind. 'Aaoow!'

'Armstrong!' Mr McDowell snapped. 'Stop that right now!'

'It wasn't me, sir!'

'Just be quiet!'

Jimmy glared back at his mate Gary, who sniggered.

'OK, now. Mr Webster here has very kindly agreed to act as our guide—'

'Aaoow!' Jimmy spun. 'You quit it now or I swear to God I'll—'

'Armstrong! I won't speak to you again!'

'Sir, he—'

'Armstrong, I'm warning you. Another word and you'll go right back on that bus.'

Out of the corner of his mouth, Jimmy hissed, 'I'll get you for this . . .'

Mr Webster, a red-faced man with thinning hair, held up a hand as the pupils began to edge towards the gangplank. 'Now, while it is our great pleasure to have you on board, I have to warn you that we are just adding the finishing touches, so the ship is still classified as a building site. I can't emphasis enough the importance of staying with the group, not wandering off, not—'

'Aaoow!'

This time Jimmy couldn't help himself. He twisted round and thumped Gary hard. Gary yelled in pain. His hand shot to his nose in a vain attempt to stop the blood that was already flowing.

'I warned you!' Jimmy spat. 'Don't say I didn't . . .' But before he could finish his blazer was grabbed from behind and he was yanked out in front of his classmates.

Mr McDowell towered over him, his face flushed. 'Armstrong — I've had it up to here with you!'

'It wasn't me, sir!'

'You didn't punch Higgins?'

'Yes sir, but he was hitting me!'

'It's always someone else with you, isn't it, Armstrong?'

'No, sir . . . yes, sir, but he was. . .'

'You're a troublemaker, Armstrong. You always have been and you always will be . . . Now get back on the bus.'

'Sir?'

'Get back on the bus! I'm not having you spoiling today for everyone! You've already let your classmates and the school down. If I let you on here you'll probably sink the boat on us! Now get on the bus!'

Jimmy seethed. He hated Gary Higgins, he hated Mr McDowell, he hated Mr Webster and now that he thought about it, he hated the Titanic as well.

***

There was still no sign of his classmates an hour later. The bus driver, Mr Carmichael, took pity on him, climbed out from behind the wheel and eased his considerable bulk down the aisle.

'Thought you might want some company,' he said, squeezing into the seat opposite.

Jimmy looked him up and down. 'No thanks.'

Carmichael ignored him. 'Did you see this?' He had a colour brochure in his hand, with a picture of the new Titanic on the front. 'They left this for me to read. It has all the facts and figures. I get to go to a hundred different places with schools like yours every year, but all I ever get is the brochure. Got to stay on the bus.' He began to flick through the pages. 'Still, thought you might be interested.'

'Nope.'

'Like how much that big bucket cost — says here, six hundred million dollars.'

'Not interested.'

'It weighs one hundred and forty-two thousand tonnes.'

'Don't care.'

'It has a helicopter pad and an ice rink and a cinema.'

'Boring.'

'It has fifteen decks.'

'Yawn . . .'

'Thirteen hundred crew . . .'

'Nearly asleep now.'

'. . . and they come from sixty-five different countries. Two thousand passengers will join the ship when it arrives in Miami—'

'Could you just be quiet?' Jimmy snapped suddenly. 'Please.'

'Then there's all the food. The passengers will get through twenty-eight thousand eggs a week. Imagine that.'