Yan Bratovich - Dancing on Coffins. Black comedy

© Yan Bratovich, 2017

ISBN 978-5-4483-8889-7

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – CITY ROAD – DAY

An old black JEEP with a coffin strapped to the roof makes its way down the road, following a stream of cars.

EXT. BANK – DAY

Coming out of the bank, a fat rat runs out onto the road, the Jeep closing in on it, running it over.

INT. JEEP – DAY

Four people sit. At the wheel, HAROLD HOFFMAN (31), tall and thin dressed in a long black overcoat; head of funeral home “HON”. On his neck hangs a thick silver chain with a tiny silver coffin pendant.

On the passenger side sits HITCH (22), an albino with a bitter face, dressed in a black shirt and a black suit.

In the back we see HAZONE (36) and HUMPBACKED SILLY (38). HAZONE, a typical skin headed goon in a black polo neck and jacket holding a shovel, ready to dig a grave. HUMPBACKED SILLY, is literally a humpbacked man with a silly look on his face, disheveled hair, dressed in a black vest and old grey sweater.

HITCH

We squashed that rat!

HAROLD HOFFMAN

(One bank rat is more, one has is less. What’s the odd? These bank rats are bloodsuckers and they will be worse than us. Believe me.)

HOFFMAN lights a up a brown cigarette.

HITCH

(to Hoffman)

Harry, what are we carrying this woman in the coffin for?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

The client hasn’t paid. He came, threw his dead wife in the coffin, and took off.

Hitch laughs loudly and hysterically. HOFFMAN smiles.

HITCH

And now it’s on our head?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Yes.

HITCH

So why are we dragging it around? We could have left it at the office!

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Because his time has run up, and I’ve used the last number he’s called me from to track him down. We’re going to his house to return her.

HITCH

(Laughing)

I can’t wait to see the look on his face!

HAROLD HOFFMAN

(Oh yes. So… deathburger for everyone.

(Laughs)

Do not twitch and listen to me.)

HITCH

Can we stop for some smokes first?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Sure. There’s a shop near the bus stop. I’ll pull over.

EXT. BUS STOP – DAY

Hoffman brakes sharply near the stop and the coffin goes flying off the roof of the Jeep and rams into the people standing at the stop. As inertia would have it; the dead woman goes flying out of the coffin too, people start screaming frantically.

THE ELDERLY WOMAN

A mummy!

INT. THE BLACK JEEP – DAY

Hoffman and Hitch look to one another.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Looks like our dead lady has jumped out to touch someone. Hitch, get out and calm people down!

HITCH

Oh shit!

Hitch exits the car.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Hazone, Silly, get out and get that coffin back on the roof!

HAZONE

Yes Sir.

(looks to Silly)

Let’s go!

EXT. BUS STOP – DAY

Hitch is helping people get up after the coffin has knocked them over.

HITCH

Forgive us, please, we are so sorry. The madam has been trying to escape her death it seems. We’ll just collect her and be on our way. So sorry everyone.

THE ELDERLY WOMAN

You are not Christians! What the hell are you doing you gangsters! Do you have no conscience?

HAZONE and Silly push people out of the way, scoop up the dead woman and place her back in the coffin, and strap the coffin back onto the roof while Hitch keeps trying to keep people calm while taking out a black trinket in the form of a coffin out of his jacket pocket.

HITCH

Ladies and gentlemen, excuse us for the inconvenience. Here… take our business card.

(hands the old woman a business card)

We’ve got fresh cedar coffins at a great price.

THE ELDERLY WOMAN

(rips the business card)

Damn you and your Cedar Coffins!

Hitch turns around and looks on the Hazone and Silly.

HITCH

Let’s get out of here before they tear us to pieces!

Hitch, Hazone and Silly get back in the car. Hoffman presses on the gas, and the car quickly darts off.

INT. THE BLACK JEEP – DAY

Hoffman gains speed. Hitch scratches his forehead nervously.

HITCH

Bad shit…

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Who made this poorly constructed coffin?

Silence. Hoffman turns around and looks at Silly.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Silly, was it you?

Humpbacked Silly nods. Hoffman turns away from see a sign on the road, and begins to laugh like a madman. Hitch follows.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Has correctly made, Sily. Though had a good time. And that they there stood, like a sleepy flies. But next time do not do. We create bad advertising to ourselves.

Hoffman laughs, gets from a pack a brown cigarette and lights.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

By the way, let talk about advertising. What about advertising?

HITCH

We have billboard and business cards. So there’s something…

HAROLD HOFFMAN

But that’s not present enough.

HITCH

No, it’s not.

HOFFMAN tightens up and places a finger over his chin in deep thought.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

I wanted to talk to you guys for a while. All of you perfectly well know what our business. Our business is and our business is to bury people – to bury these boring and pityful people. But we don’t have enough work at the present moment. Money too. I suggest you to make jerk. Make jerk together with me.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

All of you perfectly well know that recently people live longer and almost never die.

They go to fitness facilities, pools, get health treatments, get massages, and so on. They love life and revel in health and happiness that it enrages me! They live forever when they should by lying in our coffins, in our eternal tombs! Original advertising and many corpses are necessary to our survival as business!

HAZONE

Wow!

HITCH

(cheerfully)

Harry, are you serious?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

I’m very serious.

HITCH

But for advertising, especially creative advertising, we need money! We need to pay for ideas, videos, and displays. And what about dead bodies… Shit! How are you going to get bodies?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Right now we have enough to pay for basic local advertising. From there, we can think of our own advertising. It’ll be so good that people will practically start jumping into coffins.

HITCH

And bodies? Where you will get them, Harry? You can’t get those.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

I’ve thought that over too, and I need your help. By means of our imagination we will create bodies. We will raise the general death toll in the city!

HITCH

The general deaths toll Harry? And how do you propose we do that?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Well, many funeral homes are now closed. They’ve collapsed. This fucking healthy way of life has left them without work. That leaves us room to become the leading business in this industry.

(beat)

Well? Are you with me?

HITCH

Courageous idea. But whether it will turn out or not…

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Only the courageous take the main prize. Or do you want to stretch out your pathetic beggarly existence further? Huh? Trust me. Just trust me – and you will live in own houses, buy fresh meat, and not have to cut off pieces of corpses from hunger. And you’ll have real women – the live and mobile kind.

HITCH

(nodding)

You are right. Well, I’m in.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

How about you Hazone?

HAZONE

I’m in. and Silly too.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Great.

Hitch quickens.

HITCH

When do we get started?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

As soon as we come up with the money today.