Yan Bratovich - Dancing on Coffins. Black comedy

Suddenly, the boys hear knocking on the car roof.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

(hysterically)

Shit! This bitch on the roof is knocking! Hazone!

HAZONE

What?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

You fancy this lady in the coffin?

Hazone lewdly licks his lips.

HAZONE

Yes. Very much. She’s as beautiful as plastic flowers.

Hoffman nervously finishes smoking his cigarette and throws the stub out the window.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Well, then let’s go back to the office. To hell with her! Let Hazone have a good time with her. This home delivery isn’t doing it for me. Our new stage in life begins now and we should waste our time on trifles.

Hoffman switches car gears and takes off abruptly.

EXT. “MALL OF AMERICA” – DAY

With a microphone in one hand stands a TV reporter JULIA SHWEETNER (25), a blue-eyed girl with curly dirty blonde hair, dressed in an expensive grey coat and a fashionable green scarf wrapped around her neck.

JULIA SHWEETNER

How do I look Bobby?

In front of her, BOBBY (27) the camera operator, an unshaven guy in a red jacket stands with the camera on and strap around his shoulder.

BOBBY

Smile. Exude happiness. Be positive.

Julia smiles.

JULIA SHWEETNER

I don’t pretend to be happy Bobby, I am happy.

Julia smiles timidly and her eyes sparkle. She looks to her watch.

JULIA SHWEETNER

Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Out the text up.

Bobby lifts a sheet of paper for her to read off of, and holds it near the camera.

JULIA SHWEETNER

The new MALL OF AMERICA will be opening tonight; and it will be noted as the architectural decision of the decade. The lights, and streaming water fixtures are very beautiful and unusual to the typically mundane environment of our city – this hi-tech shopping centre certainly brings a work of art to our landscape. All profits earned from the first couple of days within the mall’s opening will go to charities for sick children.

Bobby gives her a thumbs-up.

JULIA SHWEETNER

As organizers speak, there will be no problems with parking at the opening, and many have been signed on to VIP-parking. Mall attractions include the “Big wheel” and a Falling Tower. An attraction called “The Web stealing a brain”, amongst others. There will also be a 5D cinema and skating rink.

Julia lowers her microphone.

BOBBY

Looks good Julia!

Bobby lowers the camera.

JULIA SHWEETNER

Was it really?

BOBBY

Perfect.

Julia smiles.

JULIA SHWEETNER

Don’t flatter me. I want honesty, I’m still new to this you know.

BOBBY

I told you – it’s perfect. We needed to edit the opening though.

JULIA SHWEETNER

How long till the final product?

BOBBY

(looks to his watch)

About two hours.

JULIA SHWEETNER

Let’s grab a coffee then.

BOBBY

Sounds good. I could use something hot myself.

Julia’s cell phone rings. She flips it open and sees the name “Christian” and smiles. She answers the call.

JULIA SHWETNER

Yes, darling?

INT. INSURANCE COMPANY – OFFICE – DAY

CHRISTIAN (27) sits at a big black table – a strong, attractive type in a blue shirt and with a tie. He holds his cell in one hand, and types on his laptop with the other.

CHRISTIAN

Julia? Greetings darling.

(smiling)

I do disturbing you?

JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)

No, I just finished my set.

CHRISTIAN

I’ve missed you, and your voice. Are you at work?

JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)

We’re reporting on the Mall of America now, and I have a class tonight that will probably go till late. I’m so sorry.

CHRISTIAN

Call me when you’re done, I would love to pick you up. My beautiful lady shouldn’t have to travel home alone at night.

Christian takes a swig of his juice sitting on the table.

JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)

Oh, Christian, you’re amazing. What would I do without you?

CHRISTIAN

You know, our anniversary of when we first met is coming up – January 14 th. There’s a great little Italian place I’d love to take you to; romantic music, good food.

JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)

Oh, Christian! Of course I would love to go!

CHRISTIAN

Perfect. See you soon.

JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)

Kisses.

CHRISTIAN

You too! Bye.

JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)

Bye-bye.

EXT. MALL OF AMERICA – DAY

Julia hangs up and put her hair up.

BOBBY

Well, looks like he calls you everyday.

Julia looks to him with confusion.

JULIA SHWEETNER

It’s love Bobby.

BOBBY

If I were the boss of an insurance company, you would fall in love with me?

JULIA SHWEETNER

(laughing)

Bobby, you’ll always come first. You’re my best friend. Now let’s grab that coffee.

BOBBY

Ok.

Bobby collects their things and walks into the mall with Julia.

INT. MALL OF AMERICA – DAY

As they walk through the mall together…

JULIA SHWEETNER

These attractions are incredible, and so well planned out. Just about anybody can come here, couples, children. It’s really made for everyone.

BOBBY

You and Christian would have a great time here! You could spend a whole day here from dusk to dawn.

JULIA SHWEETNER

And while that would be fun, we also don’t need that many distractions. The main thing about him is that he’s a good man and we can enjoy each other just about anywhere.

BOBBY

That’s true…

Bobby and Julia reach the centre of the mall. Near a complex we see girls walking with the big bags. The girls photograph each and laugh.

Bobby and Julia show the security guards media passes go and inside.

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – FUNERAL HOME “HON” – EVENING

The two-storied building of the funeral home sits beside a cemetery surrounded by old ugly trees.

INT. FUNERAL HOME “HON” – HAROLD’S HOFFMANS ROOM – EVENING

Harold Hoffman approaches an open window and lights up. Hitch sits at the management table. Opposite of Hitch sits Silly. Hitch writes something on a piece of paper. Hoffman looks out the window and blinks.

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – THE BOUTIQUE OPPOSITE TO THE BUILDING OF FUNERAL HOME “HON” – EVENING

It’s twilight. Hoffman looks into the window of the boutique and sees ten dead women wander around the boutique. Some of them lean against the show-window as if trying to consider trying on the clothes on the mannequins. Hoffman takes a long fowling piece, and quickly aims and shoots at one of dead women. The dead woman twitches slightly, but remains standing.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Do you know what differs a Zombie from a normal person?

HITCH

What?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

A normal person truly believes their actions cannot be foreseen.

HITCH

Exactly. These zombies have already got me – seriously. This is the third boutique change in a year. These zombies do this every night. I don’t know that to do with them. They should be in tombs.

Hoffman stands with a gun in the corner.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

They have only one target. During their lifetime they are materialistic, and even after their death they are the same. It’s like autopilot. Predictable, programmed.

HITCH

Robobabies.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

(squeaky)

Darling? Darling? Let’s buy a top, such a pretty top! So pretty! Let’s? Let’s buy a handbag! Let’s buy shoes, darling? Let’s? And let’s buy this, and let’s buy that!

(to the window, loudly)

Buy yourself a soul bitch!

Hoffman spits on the window with contempt. Hazone enters the room, clasping his trousers.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

So? Was the bitch good?

HAZONE