Yan Bratovich - Dancing on Coffins. Black comedy

Oh yeah!

They laugh.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

I’m warning you. You can get addicted to dead bitches.

(laughing)

Silly! Hurry up and get in her before she cools down and decays.

He claps loudly, forcing Silly to think faster. Humpbacked Silly runs out from a room. The rest laugh.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

All right! Now shut up and put your thinking caps on. What about slogans?

Hitch gives to Harold a piece of paper with any literary trash on it.

HITCH

Well here… take it!

Hoffman frowns, as he reads it closely. In a few seconds he tears sheet apart.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Badly written. Something does not suffice. Let’s sit down and flesh this out.

Hitch gives Hoffman his usual seat. Hoffman reflects for a moment and quickly writes something.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Hazone, Read this.

He hands Hazone the paper. Hazone reads it and laughs.

HITCH

Let me read it!

Hitch takes the paper and reads Hoffman’s slogan. Hitch laughs like a madman.

HITCH

Hary, it’s absolutely crazy, man!

They laugh so hard they grab at this stomachs.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

It’s sharp! Coffins at a funeral will be like champagne on New Years Eve. Before you know it, the whole city will see the slogan!

HITCH

But the joke can be bad for us too.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

We’re not breaking any laws sonny. We have the right to advertise the way we see fit for our organization.

HITCH

I don’t know, I just don’t know.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Don’t you worry about it, it’ll fall on me and I’ll take care of it. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get out of here.

HITCH

And go where?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

(smiling)

Let’s have a good time.

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – SM “MALL OF AMERICA” – THE LATE EVENING

Tired Julia Shweetner leaves the centre. Loud music and a voice over the PA system is heard in the background. We see Christian’s car parked outside. Julia walks up to it. Christian exits the car and their eyes meet.

CHRISTIAN

Hi darling. Tired?

They kiss.

JULIA SHWEETNER

I already can’t feel my feet.

CHRISTIAN

Well, it was interesting?

JULIA SHWEETNER

Yes. There were so many celebrities!

CHRISTIAN

Well, sit down in the car. Have a rest.

They get into the car.

INT. CHRISTIAN’S CAR – NIGHT

They are driving along. Julia yawns and stretches.

JULIA SHWEETNER

I feel like the happiest woman in the world. I can’t wait to be back to the quiet life and half way out of the city.

CHRISTIAN

It’ll be nice to have you back here when you’re free from your infinite amounts of work.

JULIA SHWEETNER

Everyone’s eyes were shinning at the mall today, everyone there was so happy. It was really something to see.

CHRISTIAN

One very smart man has once told me: “To find the meaning of the life – is to find happiness, and to find happiness – is exactly the meaning of the life”.

Julia smiles.

JULIA SHWEETNER

I simply adore you.

Julia kisses Christian, passionately drawing herself to his neck.

CHRISTIAN

We need to talk in the bedroom…

JULIA SHWEETNER

(Smiling)

Oh, Christian…

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – THE SUPERMARKET – NIGHT

Hoffman and his gang get out of the jeep and walk toward the supermarket. The shop is closed. Nearby, in the dark, we see two guys discussing something.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Hazone! Shut these guys up, they’re preventing me from thinking!

Hazone runs up to guys and strikes them with a shovel. They fall on the asphalt and lose consciousness.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Now let’s get back to our plans. What do people need to survive with? Food, health treatments, entertainment… let’s start by depriving people with food! Let’s go Silly!

Humpbacked Silly quickly takes out four canisters of gasoline from the car, and a bottle of incendiary mix and six bricks.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Let’s do this quickly. Break the windows, pour the gasoline, and set it on fire and get the hell out of here. Ready?

Hitch, Silly and Hazone nod.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Let’s force them into hunger! Let’s bring them to a life of ruin and hopelessness. No life, no light, no hope, only thoughts of death.

They quickly throw bricks into the show windows and pour the gasoline inside. In the supermarket, a flame flashes. They run away before it blows up.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

(Squeaky)

In the winter the sure way to be warmed up is to add spark!

The building sets on fire and blazes all around, a bright orange light can be seen from the skyline. They laugh and whistle.

HITCH

Holy shit!

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Having fun gentleman?!

HAZONE

How come we haven’t done this earlier?

HITCH

This is crazy fun!

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Let’s go boys! Get back in the car, we have more shops to burn!

HITCH

This is better than a holiday Harry!

HAZONE

Hell yeah!

Hitch and Hazone laugh joyfully as they look at a fire, like children watching fireworks for the first time.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Hurry up boys!

INT. CHRISTIAN’S CAR – NIGHT

Christian and Julia driving along at a great speed, as they catch the fire ravaging through the supermarket at the corner of their eyes.

JULIA SHWEETNER

Oh my God! Did you see that?! What’s happening?

CHRISTIAN

I don’t know. Let’s go see.

Christian slows down and drives toward the incident.

EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – SUPERMARKET – NIGHT

Julia and Christian arrive just in time to see four people sitting in a black jeep. Julia looks into the car and see HAROLD HOFFMAN’s silhouette, and notices his chain with a mini coffin hanging over his neck.

JULIA SHWEETNER

Oh my God. Christian, call the fire department asap!

CHRISTIAN

Ok.

Christian dials 911 on his cell phone.

JULIA SHWEETNER

I thought today was a perfect day, until now.

CHRISTIAN

Don’t worry. There was nobody in shop at this hour. Hello! Emergency? There’s a supermarket on fire! The address is…

Julie bites her lower lips as she looks at the burning building.

INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT – DAY

Julia and Christian sit by a window. Julia is dressed in a long red dress, Christian in a black suit and violet shirt. We see dishes, wine and a big bouquet of red, pink and yellow roses on the table. Sweet music plays in the background.

Julia plays with the flowers as she speaks.

JULIA SHWEETNER

Christian, you have an amazing sense of beauty. You put these together like a florist. They match my dress, the restaurant décor, just everything.

CHRISTIAN

With you, I see beauty of each color. You are my purpose and my award.

JULIA SHWEETNER

How did I get so lucky? Sometime I feel like I don’t deserve a man like you – that men like you don’t really exist.

Julia looks down at the flowers and smiles modestly.

CHRISTIAN

Believe me, I am not ideal. I often doubt myself. I have doubts about myself too sweetheart. Buy do you know why I gain more from being with you than you do with me?

JULIA SHWEETNER

Why?

CHRISTIAN

My boss. Employees with girlfriend’s or wife’s do better in the office and run less risk of getting fired.

JULIA SHWEETNER

(laughing)

Are you joking?

Christian laughs.

CHRISTIAN

I swear! My boss is a stickler about those things. He thinks that single people are unfortunate souls, or maniacs, and he favors employees with a partner.

JULIA SHWEETNER

(Laughs)

Oh my God! Christian! I’m like your work insurance!

CHRISTIAN