Valentin Krasnogorov - THEATER PLAYS

GIRL. Calm down.

HUSBAND. And this damn money. Money, money, money! It’s all anyone thinks, talks and cares about. Wives don’t want love from their husbands, just money. That alone is enough to drive you crazy.

GIRL. Aren’t you afraid to always be afraid?

HUSBAND. Of course I am. Don’t you see what’s going on all around? Every day is the same, without purpose and without hope. Nothing changes, and if it does change, then it’s only for the worse. We are caught in a net and flop around like fish; we open our mouths to scream, but nothing comes out; nobody hears. We keep running just to stay in place – round and round in the same wheel, in the same cage, today just like yesterday, tomorrow just like today, the day after tomorrow just like always. We struggle to make our way up, up, up. Up the down escalator. All the time we have no time. We want to have time to do everything we want to do, to make all the money we want to have. We reach out, clutch hold and scramble up. We’re almost there, so close, just one more step, just a little more effort – grab it, take it! But there is nothing to grab because you can’t hold on to happiness. That’s how we spend our lives; you can never get those years back. And what is it all for, what for? You want to run away from this life, run as fast as you can. But you just don’t have the strength to do it. You start to get out of breath; you stop, look back and think. You get scared, and then you start running again. So let's run away. There’s no time left!

GIRL. You think too much. You shouldn’t think. There is no tomorrow. There is only today. Don’t think, OK?

HUSBAND. You think that we shouldn’t think?

GIRL. I think we should run away, that’s all.

HUSBAND. Where to?

GIRL. The important thing is not where to, but where from. Away from the place that we hate, away from here. Here where nothing is possible, where everything is forbidden, everything has to be by the rules and according to schedule. We’ll escape to a better world, where everyone is free, where nothing is forbidden, where there’s not a ceiling overhead, but a big high blue sky with big white clouds floating by. Where people laugh; where they’re happy, and sing and dance; they’re cheerful and never sick, and nobody tells them how to live or what they have to do.

HUSBAND. Is there really such a world?

GIRL. Yes, it exists! It’s a world where no one is afraid, where everybody goes to bed whenever they want to, with whomever they want to; where there is plenty of sun and plenty of sex. Where no one is boss and everyone is happy.

HUSBAND. And where will we live without money?

GIRL. Wherever we want! We’ll live on a bench. In the bushes. On a soft green meadow. In a boat. Yes, in a boat! We’ll lie in it, embracing, and it will rock gently and carry us away, always to somewhere new. A brass band will meet us on every pier, and the music will ring out, and they’ll shower us with flowers, and we’ll drift and drift and have sex, and we’ll go so far that nobody will ever find us.

HUSBAND.… Nobody will ever find us.… OK, let’s do it!.

GIRL. When?

HUSBAND. Right now.

GIRL. Perfect. Wait here for me. I’ll go get a glass of water, take a tranquilizer, and then we’ll be ready to go.

HUSBAND. Just come right back, otherwise I’ll start thinking again.

GIRL. And what then?

HUSBAND. I’ll start having second thoughts and change my mind.

GIRL. I forbid you to think. You understand? Follow my example.

HUSBAND. I’ll try.

GIRL. Sit here, don’t move, don’t do anything and don’t think. I’ll be right back, and we’ll begin a new life!

The GIRL goes out. The HUSBAND waits for her impatiently. There can be an intermission here. The HUSBAND can stay on the stage, waiting for the GIRL.

PART TWO

The action between the first and second acts can proceed without an intermission.

GIRL. Perfect. Wait here for me. I’ll go get a glass of water, take a tranquilizer, and then we’ll be ready to go.

HUSBAND. Just come right back, otherwise I’ll start thinking again.

GIRL. And what then?

HUSBAND. I’ll start having second thoughts and change my mind.

GIRL. I forbid you to think. You understand? Follow my example.

HUSBAND. I’ll try.

GIRL. Sit here, don’t move, don’t do anything and don’t think. I’ll be right back, and we’ll begin a new life!

The GIRL exits. The HUSBAND waits for her impatiently. The PROFESSOR enters.

PROFESSOR. Let’s have sex.

HUSBAND. Thanks, my pleasure.

Pause.

PROFESSOR. Well?

HUSBAND. What?

PROFESSOR. I’m waiting to see what will follow your "thanks".

HUSBAND. I thought it was a greeting.

PROFESSOR. No, it was a business offer. So?

HUSBAND. I’m willing.

PROFESSOR. Then we’ll get started.

HUSBAND. (Looking around). I don’t see any women here.

PROFESSOR. We can manage perfectly well without them.

HUSBAND. Without women?!

PROFESSOR. Certainly. There’s you, there’s me, so there is a couple. What else do we need?

HUSBAND. I beg your pardon, but who are you?

PROFESSOR. I am a world-famous professor of psychiatry, psychology and sociology. A sexologist and sex pathologist. Treatment, consulting, lecturing. I get rid of complexes, inspire self-confidence, free people of their inhibitions. I cure frigidity and impotence. I satisfy the unsatisfied. It’s very hard work. Lots of calls. I get very tired.

HUSBAND. I’m not sure I understand exactly what you are offering concretely.

PROFESSOR. To have sex. What could be more concretely?

HUSBAND. Professor, with all due respect to you, to your wisdom, knowledge and age, to your gray hair and infinite understanding, you are no substitute for a woman to me.

PROFESSOR. Tell me, are you an intelligent person?

HUSBAND. I hope so.

PROFESSOR. Very well. Tell me, what is the most important thing in a partner for you – the body or the soul?

HUSBAND. The soul, certainly.

PROFESSOR. Then what difference does it make what body this soul has, male or female?

HUSBAND. For me – a very big difference.

PROFESSOR. Imagine a kindred soul so fine, sublime, gifted, intellectual, sympathetic …

HUSBAND. I have been searching for such a soul for a very long time. But this soul should inhabit a nice body, not too skinny and not too plump. And it is also important to me that this soul would have a normal woman’s breasts, slender legs and blue eyes.

PROFESSOR. In other words, you’re against homosexual love?

HUSBAND. Absolutely. But I can understand lesbians. Who wouldn’t be attracted to a blushing, soft, gentle, fresh, supple, appetizing, young female body. But any attraction to a man is unnatural.

PROFESSOR. But, you see, some women find men to be rather attractive.

HUSBAND. A perversion. Women will always have their follies.

PROFESSOR. Well, I’ll find you a woman. By the way, I have just been talking to two ladies.

HUSBAND. So have I.

PROFESSOR. I have every reason to believe that they will not object.

HUSBAND. They’re willing.

PROFESSOR. Which do you prefer – a plump blonde or a slim brunette?

HUSBAND. That’s a hard choice. What did you say, “a slim blonde or a plump brunette”?

PROFESSOR. No, the other way around – a plump blonde or a slim brunette.

HUSBAND. I would prefer a compromise.

PROFESSOR. Namely?

HUSBAND. A slender redhead.

PROFESSOR. And I thought you would choose both.

HUSBAND. That’s a good idea. Where are the women?

PROFESSOR. I don’t know. Let’s get back to the subject. What I am offering is not a coarse carnal act, but an educational process. In other words, I give lessons. Treatment, consulting, lecturing.