Maxim Titovets - The Rubicon. A play in two acts

Nadya.Some tourist has been ripped apart by a bear.

Makar.Poor little bear. These two won’t let it go.

Stvolov walks in.

Nadya.Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel.

Stvolov.It’s raining like hell. How are you, mistress?

Makar. [Aside.] Could be better.

Stvolov.Pour me some coffee and get me a bite to eat.

Nadya.What about something stronger?

Stvolov.A cognac, please.

Makar comes up to the window and peers into the darkness.

Stvolov.That went down good.

Nadya.Have a slice of lemon, it’s on the house.

Stvolov.There’s this village, Bear Creek Valley. How long will it take to get there?

Nadya.Why would you go so far at this time of night?

Stvolov.I’m going to see my brother.

Makar.How long has he been in jail?

Stvolov.He is a hydrologist there.

Makar.Hydrologists, geologists… Our gold makes everyone restless.

Nadya.Bear Creek Valley is three hundred kilometers away from the city. And we are right in the middle. The Rubicon.

Stvolov.The Ru-bi-con.

Makar.He’s gone.

Stvolov.Who’s gone?

Makar.Your taxi driver.

Stvolov leaps up, dashes outside, and then comes back.

Stvolov.Piece of shit. I didn’t get the plate number.

Nadya.And your bag’s in the trunk.

Makar.Count your lucky stars he didn’t bump you off on the way here.

Nadya.God spare us.

Stvolov.That’s a fine how-de-do you have here.

Makar.It’s a dog-eat-dog world.

Nadya.Welcome to the Rubicon Hotel.

Scene 2

The stage setting is the same.

Sea Lion and Agap enter. Sea Lion is dressed in a sailor’s striped shirt. He is carrying a leather travel bag.

Agap.Fuck…

Sea Lion.What?

Agap.I got soaked to the bone and almost froze to death.

Sea Lion.It’s because you are a wuss.

Agap.I’m frozen stiff because of this wind.

Sea Lion.So, warm yourself, knucklehead. Maybe then you’ll hurry up your ass.

Nadya. [Aside.] Speak of the devil.

Makar.Agap! The street lamp isn’t working again. Go and fix it!

Agap.Suck my dick, will you?

Makar.Sure. If I can find it.

Sea Lion. [To Agap.] First feed the cattle. Then move the jeep to the pit, the U-joint’s clunking. [Handing his car keys over to Agap.]

Makar.So, goodbye, poor little bear…

Agap leaves

Nadya.Hello, Oleg. How did it go?

Sea Lion. [Looking at Agap.] The priest has gone away – the devils in the churchyard play. [To Nadya.] How many guests are here today?

Nadya.The place is chock-full.

Sea Lion.Where’s Polina?

Nadya.I’ve sent her upstairs to do some cleaning.

Sea Lion.Send her in.

Sea Lion unlocks the door of his study with a key and disappears inside.

Scene 3

Sea Lion’s study.

Sea Lion is seated at his desk. There is a knock at the door. Polina enters carrying a tray. She puts a jug of water on the table.

Sea Lion.Sit down. I’ll pay you up.

Polina.Alright, Oleg Sergeevich.

Sea Lion.You need money, don’t you? And yet you’re pussy-footing around it, not bringing the subject up.

Polina.I do. You promised to pay me.

Pause.

Sea Lion.We agreed on twenty five grand a month.

Polina.It was thirty grand.

Sea Lion.No. Twenty five. It’s written down right here. I always pay twenty five thousand to the help. You’ve been working here for two months.

Polina.Two months and seven days.

Sea Lion.Exactly 2 months. You don’t get paid for the probation week.

Polina.Alright.

Sea Lion.Fifty grand in total… Minus eight Sundays off. Meaning out with seven grand.

Last month, the road was blocked for three days. We had no guests, so you didn’t have any work. Minus two and a half.

Polina.But I cleaned and scrubbed the whole hotel and brought a ton of wood…

Sea Lion.And who made lunch for you back then – Pushkin?

Polina.I had even strained my back and spent two days in bed with a fever afterwards.

Sea Lion.Here we are, minus one and a half. Thirty nine grand in total.

Polina. [Remaining silent.]

Sea Lion.Two weeks ago you dropped an entire tray of food for one of our guests. That’s minus four grand. Thirty five in total.

Polina. But…

Sea Lion.And by the way, the crockery costs much more than that. But that’s okay, not a big deal. Later on, a bunch of drunken fellows took French leave without paying the bill. That’s another ten grand. You should have watched out for them! And yesterday eight grand went missing from the cash register.

Polina.I didn’t take it.

Sea Lion.No one else could do that! Or are you telling me that I did?

Polina.I’m not.

Sea Lion.That’s a good girl. Thirty five minus ten and minus eight. It’s seventeen grand then.

Polina.I only borrowed money once… Three thousand from your wife. She can confirm that. But I have never taken any money from the cash register…

Sea Lion.Oh yes? You borrowed three thousand from Nadya? I didn’t know about that! Seventeen minus three is… humph…

Here is your money, Polina. Sign here.

Polina takes the money, signs her name, and leaves.

Sea Lion.Piece of cake. Only the strongest survive.

Polina comes back

Polina.That last time, you said I’d earn more. I really need money. What should I do?

Scene 4

The Rubicon Roadside Inn & Diner.

Makar.What was it like before?

Stvolov.What?

Makar.That’s just the point! And now what?

Stvolov.What?

Makar.Gee, that’s exactly what I’m talking about!

Stvolov.Fill it up.

Makar.And as for mobile service, we’ve never had it here. Dense forests!

Polina.That’s a hell of a storm outside.

Makar.The road is washed out now. You won’t be able to get out of here tomorrow, Stvolov.

Stvolov.I’m virtually born under a lucky star. No wonder I didn’t like the ugly face of that driver.

Makar.You know what they say here? Whack thy neighbor, punch him hard, jump on his chest. Then you’ll have the edge over the rest.

Nadya appears from the kitchen and stands behind the bar counter.

Nadya.Where do you mean – here? Look at him. Wasted again.