Уильям Моэм: The Circle

ELIZABETH. No, it's only a conference with his agent and one or two constituents.

PORTEOUS. [ Irritably. ] How anyone can be expected to play bridge when people are shouting at the top of their voices all round them, I for one cannot understand.

ELIZABETH. [ Smiling. ] I'm so sorry.

ANNA. I can see your hand, Lord Porteous.

PORTEOUS. It may help you.

LADY KITTY. I've told you over and over again to hold your cards up. It ruins one's game when one can't help seeing one's opponent's hand.

PORTEOUS. One isn't obliged to look.

LADY KITTY. What was Arnold's majority at the last election?

ELIZABETH. Seven hundred and something.

C.–C. He'll have to fight for it if he wants to keep his seat next time.

PORTEOUS. Are we playing bridge, or talking politics?

LADY KITTY. I never find that conversation interferes with my game.

PORTEOUS. You certainly play no worse when you talk than when you hold your tongue.

LADY KITTY. I think that's a very offensive thing to say, Hughie. Just because I don't play the same game as you do you think I can't play.

PORTEOUS. I'm glad you acknowledge it's not the same game as I play. But why in God's name do you call it bridge?

C.–C. I agree with Kitty. I hate people who play bridge as though they were at a funeral and knew their feet were getting wet.

PORTEOUS. Of course you take Kitty's part.

LADY KITTY. That's the least he can do.

C.–C. I have a naturally cheerful disposition.

PORTEOUS. You've never had anything to sour it.

LADY KITTY. I don't know what you mean by that, Hughie.

PORTEOUS. [ Trying to contain himself. ] Must you trump my ace?

LADY KITTY. [ Innocently. ] Oh, was that your ace, darling?

PORTEOUS. [ Furiously. ] Yes, it was my ace.

LADY KITTY. Oh, well, it was the only trump I had. I shouldn't have made it anyway.

PORTEOUS. You needn't have told them that. Now she knows exactly what I've got.

LADY KITTY. She knew before.

PORTEOUS. How could she know?

LADY KITTY. She said she'd seen your hand.

ANNA. Oh, I didn't. I said I could see it.

LADY KITTY. Well, I naturally supposed that if she could see it she did.

PORTEOUS. Really, Kitty, you have the most extraordinary ideas.

C.–C. Not at all. If anyone is such a fool as to show me his hand, of course I look at it.

PORTEOUS. [ Fuming. ] If you study the etiquette of bridge, you'll discover that onlookers are expected not to interfere with the game.

C.–C. My dear Hughie, this is a matter of ethics, not of bridge.

ANNA. Anyhow, I get the game. And rubber.

TEDDIE. I claim a revoke.

PORTEOUS. Who revoked?

TEDDIE. You did.

PORTEOUS. Nonsense. I've never revoked in my life.

TEDDIE. I'll show you. [ He turns over the tricks to show the faces of the cards. ] You threw away a club on the third heart trick and you had another heart.

PORTEOUS. I never had more than two hearts.

TEDDIE. Oh, yes, you had. Look here. That's the card you played on the last trick but one.

LADY KITTY. [ Delighted to catch him out. ] There's no doubt about it, Hughie. You revoked.

PORTEOUS. I tell you I did not revoke. I never revoke.

C.–C. You did, Hughie. I wondered what on earth you were doing.

PORTEOUS. I don't know how anyone can be expected not to revoke when there's this confounded chatter going on all the time.

TEDDIE. Well, that's another hundred to us.

PORTEOUS. [ To CHAMPION–CHENEY. ] I wish you wouldn't breathe down my neck. I never can play bridge when there's somebody breathing down my neck.

[ The party have risen from the bridge–table, and they scatter about the room.

ANNA. Well, I'm going to take a book and lie down in the hammock till it's time to dress.

TEDDIE. [ Who has been adding up. ] I'll put it down in the book, shall I?

PORTEOUS. [ Who has not moved, setting out the cards for a patience. ] Yes, yes, put it down. I never revoke.

[ ANNA goes out.

LADY KITTY. Would you like to come for a little stroll, Hughie?

PORTEOUS. What for?

LADY KITTY. Exercise.

PORTEOUS. I hate exercise.

C.–C. [ Looking at the patience. ] The seven goes on the eight.

[ PORTEOUS takes no notice.

LADY KITTY. The seven goes on the eight, Hughie.

PORTEOUS. I don't choose to put the seven on the eight.

C.–C. That knave goes on the queen.

PORTEOUS. I'm not blind, thank you.

LADY KITTY. The three goes on the four.

C.–C. All these go over.

PORTEOUS. [ Furiously. ] Am I playing this patience, or are you playing it?

LADY KITTY. But you're missing everything.

PORTEOUS. That's my business.

C.–C. It's no good losing your temper over it, Hughie.

PORTEOUS. Go away, both of you. You irritate me.

LADY KITTY. We were only trying to help you, Hughie.

PORTEOUS. I don't want to be helped. I want to do it by myself.

LADY KITTY. I think your manners are perfectly deplorable, Hughie.

PORTEOUS. It's simply maddening when you're playing patience and people won't leave you alone.

C.–C. We won't say another word.

PORTEOUS. That three goes. I believe it's coming out. If I'd been such a fool as to put that seven up I shouldn't have been able to bring these down.

[ He puts down several cards while they watch him silently.

LADY KITTY and C.–C. [ Together. ] The four goes on the five.

PORTEOUS. [ Throwing down the cards violently. ] Damn you! why don't you leave me alone? It's intolerable.

C.–C. It was coming out, my dear fellow.

PORTEOUS. I know it was coming out. Confound you!

LADY KITTY. How petty you are, Hughie!

PORTEOUS. Petty, be damned! I've told you over and over again that I will not be interfered with when I'm playing patience.

LADY KITTY. Don't talk to me like that, Hughie.

PORTEOUS. I shall talk to you as I please.

LADY KITTY. [ Beginning to cry. ] Oh, you brute! You brute! [ She flings out of the room. ]

PORTEOUS. Oh, damn! now she's going to cry.

[ He shambles out into the garden. CHAMPION–CHENEY, ELIZABETH and TEDDIE are left alone. There is a moment's pause. CHAMPION–CHENEY looks from TEDDIE to ELIZABETH, with an ironical smile.

C.–C. Upon my soul, they might be married. They frip so much.

ELIZABETH. [ Frigidly. ] It's been nice of you to come here so often since they arrived. It's helped to make things easy.

C.–C. Irony? It's a rhetorical form not much favoured in this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

ELIZABETH. What exactly are you getting at?

C.–C. How slangy the young women of the present day are! I suppose the fact that Arnold is a purist leads you to the contrary extravagance.

ELIZABETH. Anyhow you know what I mean.

C.–C. [ With a smile. ] I have a dim, groping suspicion.

ELIZABETH. You promised to keep away. Why did you come back the moment they arrived?

C.–C. Curiosity, my dear child. A surely pardonable curiosity.

ELIZABETH. And since then you've been here all the time. You don't generally favour us with so much of your company when you're down at your cottage.

C.–C. I've been excessively amused.

ELIZABETH. It has struck me that whenever they started fripping you took a malicious pleasure in goading them on.

C.–C. I don't think there's much love lost between them now, do you?

[ TEDDIE is making as though to leave the room.

ELIZABETH. Don't go, Teddie.

C.–C. No, please don't. I'm only staying a minute. We were talking about Lady Kitty just before she arrived. [ To ELIZABETH. ] Do you remember? The pale, frail lady in black satin and old lace.