Уильям Моэм - The Circle

ELIZABETH. Oh, that's Arnold.

ARNOLD. [ Nervously. ] D'you like this chair? I've just bought it. It's exactly my period.

PORTEOUS. [ Bluntly. ] It's a fake.

ARNOLD. [ Indignantly. ] I don't think it is for a minute.

PORTEOUS. The legs are not right.

ARNOLD. I don't know how you can say that. If there is anything right about it, it's the legs.

LADY KITTY. I'm sure they're right.

PORTEOUS. You know nothing whatever about it, Kitty.

LADY KITTY. That's what you think. I think it's a beautiful chair. Hepplewhite?

ARNOLD. No, Sheraton.

LADY KITTY. Oh, I know. "The School for Scandal."

PORTEOUS. Sheraton, my dear. Sheraton.

LADY KITTY. Yes, that's what I say. I acted the screen scene at some amateur theatricals in Florence, and Ermeto Novelli, the great Italian tragedian, told me he'd never seen a Lady Teazle like me.

PORTEOUS. Ugh!

LADY KITTY. [ To ELIZABETH. ] Do you act?

ELIZABETH. Oh, I couldn't. I should be too nervous.

LADY KITTY. I'm never nervous. I'm a born actress. Of course, if I had my time over again I'd go on the stage. You know, it's extraordinary how they keep young. Actresses, I mean. I think it's because they're always playing different parts. Hughie, do you think Arnold takes after me or after his father? Of course I think he's the very image of me. Arnold, I think I ought to tell you that I was received into the Catholic Church last winter. I'd been thinking about it for years, and last time we were at Monte Carlo I met such a nice monsignore. I told him what my difficulties were and he was too wonderful. I knew Hughie wouldn't approve, so I kept it a secret. [ To ELIZABETH. ] Are you interested in religion? I think it's too wonderful. We must have a long talk about it one of these days. [ Pointing to her frock. ] Callot?

ELIZABETH. No, Worth.

LADY KITTY. I knew it was either Worth or Callot. Of course, it's line that's the important thing. I go to Worth myself, and I always say to him, "Line, my dear Worth, line." What is the matter, Hughie?

PORTEOUS. These new teeth of mine are so damned uncomfortable.

LADY KITTY. Men are extraordinary. They can't stand the smallest discomfort. Why, a woman's life is uncomfortable from the moment she gets up in the morning till the moment she goes to bed at night. And d'you think it's comfortable to sleep with a mask on your face?

PORTEOUS. They don't seem to hold up properly.

LADY KITTY. Well, that's not the fault of your teeth. That's the fault of your gums.

PORTEOUS. Damned rotten dentist. That's what's the matter.

LADY KITTY. I thought he was a very nice dentist. He told me my teeth would last till I was fifty. He has a Chinese room. It's so interesting; while he scrapes your teeth he tells you all about the dear Empress Dowager. Are you interested in China? I think it's too wonderful. You know they've cut off their pigtails. I think it's such a pity. They were so picturesque.

[ The BUTLER comes in.

BUTLER. Luncheon is served, sir.

ELIZABETH. Would you like to see your rooms?

PORTEOUS. We can see our rooms after luncheon.

LADY KITTY. I must powder my nose, Hughie.

PORTEOUS. Powder it down here.

LADY KITTY. I never saw anyone so inconsiderate.

PORTEOUS. You'll keep us all waiting half an hour. I know you.

LADY KITTY. [ Fumbling in her bag. ] Oh, well, peace at any price, as Lord Beaconsfield said.

PORTEOUS. He said a lot of damned silly things, Kitty, but he never said that.

[ LADY KITTY'S face changes. Perplexity is followed by dismay, and dismay by consternation.

LADY KITTY. Oh!

ELIZABETH. What is the matter?

LADY KITTY. [ With anguish. ] My lip–stick!

ELIZABETH. Can't you find it?

LADY KITTY. I had it in the car. Hughie, you remember that I had it in the car.

PORTEOUS. I don't remember anything about it.

LADY KITTY. Don't be so stupid, Hughie. Why, when we came through the gates I said: "My home, my home!" and I took it out and put some on my lips.

ELIZABETH. Perhaps you dropped it in the car.

LADY KITTY. For heaven's sake send some one to look for it.

ARNOLD. I'll ring.

LADY KITTY. I'm absolutely lost without my lip–stick. Lend me yours, darling, will you?

ELIZABETH. I'm awfully sorry. I'm afraid I haven't got one.

LADY KITTY. Do you mean to say you don't use a lip–stick?

ELIZABETH. Never.

PORTEOUS. Look at her lips. What the devil d'you think she wants muck like that for?

LADY KITTY. Oh, my dear, what a mistake you make! You must use a lip–stick. It's so good for the lips. Men like it, you know. I couldn't live without a lip–stick.

[ CHAMPION–CHENEY appears at the window holding in his upstretched hand a little gold case.

C.–C. [ As he comes in. ] Has anyone here lost a diminutive utensil containing, unless I am mistaken, a favourite preparation for the toilet?

[ ARNOLD and ELIZABETH are thunderstruck at his appearance and even TEDDIE and ANNA are taken aback. But LADY KITTY is overjoyed.

LADY KITTY. My lip–stick!

C.–C. I found it in the drive and I ventured to bring it in.

LADY KITTY. It's Saint Antony. I said a little prayer to him when I was hunting in my bag.

PORTEOUS. Saint Antony be blowed! It's Clive, by God!

LADY KITTY. [ Startled, her attention suddenly turning from the lip–stick. ] Clive!

C.–C. You didn't recognise me. It's many years since we met.

LADY KITTY. My poor Clive, your hair has gone quite white!

C.–C. [ Holding out his hand. ] I hope you had a pleasant journey down from London.

LADY KITTY. [ Offering him her cheek. ] You may kiss me, Clive.

C.–C. [ Kissing her. ] You don't mind, Hughie?

PORTEOUS. [ With a grunt. ] Ugh!

C.–C. [ Going up to him cordially. ] And how are you, my dear Hughie?

PORTEOUS. Damned rheumatic if you want to know. Filthy climate you have in this country.

C.–C. Aren't you going to shake hands with me, Hughie?

PORTEOUS. I have no objection to shaking hands with you.

C.–C. You've aged, my poor Hughie.

PORTEOUS. Some one was asking me how old you were the other day.

C.–C. Were they surprised when you told them?

PORTEOUS. Surprised! They wondered you weren't dead.

[ The BUTLER comes in.

BUTLER. Did you ring, sir?

ARNOLD. No. Oh, yes, I did. It doesn't matter now.

C.–C. [ As the BUTLER is going. ] One moment. My dear Elizabeth, I've come to throw myself on your mercy. My servants are busy with their own affairs. There's not a thing for me to eat in my cottage.

ELIZABETH. Oh, but we shall be delighted if you'll lunch with us.

C.–C. It either means that or my immediate death from starvation. You don't mind, Arnold?

ARNOLD. My dear father!

ELIZABETH. [ To the BUTLER. ] Mr. Cheney will lunch here.

BUTLER. Very good, ma'am.

C.–C. [ To LADY KITTY. ] And what do you think of Arnold?

LADY KITTY. I adore him.

C.–C. He's grown, hasn't he? But then you'd expect him to do that in thirty years.

ARNOLD. For God's sake let's go in to lunch, Elizabeth!

END OF THE FIRST ACT

The Scene is the same as in the preceding Act.

It is afternoon. When the curtain rises PORTEOUS and LADY KITTY, ANNA and TEDDIE are playing bridge. ELIZABETH and CHAMPION–CHENEY are watching. PORTEOUS and LADY KITTY are partners.

C.–C. When will Arnold be back, Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH. Soon, I think.

C.–C. Is he addressing a meeting?