George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

HIGGINS [ becoming excited as the idea grows on him ] What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesnt come every day. I shall make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe. [199] Woman who wears a skirt that is dirty from being dragged over wet ground and who searches the street for usable things.

LIZA [ strongly deprecating this view of her ] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!

HIGGINS [ carried away ] Yes: in six months — in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue — I’ll take her anywhere and pass her off as anything. We’ll start to-day: now! this moment! Take her away and clean her, Mrs. Pearce. Monkey Brand, [200] Strong scouring soap with a wrapper bearing the image of a monkey looking into a mirror. if it wont come off any other way. Is there a good fire in the kitchen?

MRS. PEARCE [protesting] Yes; but —

HIGGINS [storming on] Take all her clothes off and burn them. Ring up Whiteley [201] London department store. or somebody for new ones. Wrap her up in brown paper til they come.

LIZA Youre no gentleman, youre not, to talk of such things. I’m a good girl, I am; and I know what the like of you are, I do.

HIGGINS We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, young woman. Youve got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away, Mrs. Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her.

LIZA [ springing up and running between PICKERING and MRS. PEARCE for protection ] No! I’ll call the police, I will.

MRS. PEARCE But Ive no place to put her.

HIGGINS Put her in the dustbin.

LIZA Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!

PICKERING Oh come, Higgins! be reasonable.

MRS. PEARCE [ resolutely ] You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins: really you must. You cant walk over everybody like this. HIGGINS, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a zephyr of amiable surprise.

HIGGINS [ with professional exquisiteness of modulation ] I walk over everybody! My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never had the slightest intention of walking over anyone. All I propose is that we should be kind to this poor girl. We must help her to prepare and fit herself for her new station in life. If I did not express myself clearly it was because I did not wish to hurt her delicacy, or yours.

LIZA, reassured, steals back to her chair.

MRS. PEARCE [to PICKERING] Well, did you ever hear anything like that, sir?

PICKERING [laughing heartily ] Never, Mrs. Pearce: never.

HIGGINS [ patiently ] Whats the matter?

MRS. PEARCE Well, the matter is, sir, that you cant take a girl up like that as if you were picking up a pebble on the beach.

HIGGINS Why not?

MRS. PEARCE Why not! But you dont know anything about her. What about her parents? She may be married.

LIZA Garn!

HIGGINS There! As the girl very properly says, Garn! Married indeed! Dont you know that a woman of that class looks a worn out drudge of fifty a year after shes married.

LIZA Whood marry me?

HIGGINS [suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low tones in his best elocutionary style] By George, Eliza, the streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves for your sake before Ive done with you.

MRS . PEARCE Nonsense, sir. You mustnt talk like that to her.

LIZA [rising and squaring herself determinedly ] I’m going away. He’s off his chump, [202] Off his head; crazy. he is. I dont want no balmies [203] Crazy people. teaching me.

HIGGINS [ wounded in his tenderest point by her insensibility to his elocution ] Oh, indeed! I’m mad, am I? Very well, Mrs. Pearce: you neednt order the new clothes for her. Throw her out.

LIZA [ whimpering ] Nah-ow. You got no right to touch me.

MRS. PEARCE You see now what comes of being saucy. [ Indicating the door ] This way, please.

LIZA [ almost in tears ] I didnt want no clothes. I wouldnt have taken them [ she throws away the handkerchief ] . I can buy my own clothes.

HIGGINS [ defly retrieving the handkerchief and intercepting her on her reluctant way to the door] Youre an ungrateful wicked girl. This is my return for offering to take you out of the gutter and dress you beautifully and make a lady of you.

MRS . PEARCE Stop, Mr. Higgins. I wont allow it. It’s you that are wicked. Go home to your parents, girl; and tell them to take better care of you.

LIZA I aint got no parents. They told me I was big enough to earn my own living and turned me out.

MRS. PEARCE Wheres your mother?

LIZA I aint got no mother. Her that turned me out was my sixth stepmother. But I done without them. And I’m a good girl, I am.

HIGGINS Very well, then, what on earth is all this fuss about? The girl doesnt belong to anybody — is no use to anybody but me. [He goes to MRS. PEARCE and begins coaxing]. You can adopt her, Mrs. Pearce: I’m sure a daughter would be a great amusement to you. Now dont make any more fuss. Take her downstairs; and —

MRS. PEARCE But whats to become of her? Is she to be paid anything? Do be sensible, sir.

HIGGINS Oh, pay her whatever is necessary: put it down in the housekeeping book. [Impatiently] What on earth will she want with money? She’ll have her food and her clothes. She’ll only drink if you give her money.

LIZA [turning on him] Oh you are a brute. It’s a lie: nobody ever saw the sign of liquor on me. [She goes back to her chair and plants herself there defiantly].

PICKERING [ in good-humored remonstrance ] Does it occur to you, Higgins, that the girl has some feelings?

HIGGINS [ looking critically at her ] Oh no, I dont think so. Not any feelings that we need bother about. [ Cheerily ] Have you, Eliza?

LIZA I got my feelings same as anyone else.

HIGGINS [to PICKERING, reflectively ] You see the difficulty?

PICKERING Eh? What difficulty?

HIGGINS To get her to talk grammar. The mere pronunciation is easy enough.

LIZA I dont want to talk grammar. I want to talk like a lady.

MRS. PEARCE Will you please keep to the point, Mr. Higgins. I want to know on what terms the girl is to be here. Is she to have any wages? And what is to become of her when youve finished your teaching? You must look ahead a little.

HIGGINS [ impatiently ] Whats to become of her if I leave her in the gutter? Tell me that, Mrs. Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE Thats her own business, not yours, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS Well, when Ive done with her, we can throw her back into the gutter; and then it will be her own business again; so thats all right.

LIZA Oh, youve no feeling heart in you: you dont care for nothing but yourself [she rises and takes the floor resolutely]. Here! Ive had enough of this. I’m going [ making for the door ]. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you ought.

HIGGINS [ snatching a chocolate cream from the piano, his eyes suddenly beginning to twinkle with mischief] Have some chocolates, Eliza.

LIZA [ halting, tempted ] How do I know what might be in them? Ive heard of girls being drugged by the like of you. HIGGINS whips out his penknife; cuts a chocolate in two; puts one half into his mouth and bolts it; and offers her the other half.

HIGGINS Pledge of good faith, Eliza. I eat one half: you eat the other. [ LIZA opens her mouth to retort: he pops the half chocolate into it]. You shall have boxes of them, barrels of them, every day. You shall live on them. Eh?