Dennis Lehane - Coronado

[ WAITRESS comes up to the table. ]

WAITRESS You all alright here?

WILL Take another round, thanks.

[ WAITRESS nods and leaves. ]

HAL

So the son comes back a week later, the father’s out in the shed. Boy says, “Daddy, I found me another woman.” Father says, “Where she at?” Son goes, “Setting on the couch in the living room.” Father goes into the house, takes a look, comes running back to the shed. “Son, you can’t marry her either. She’s your sister too. But your mama don’t know it. So get rid of her.” ’Bout a week later, the son’s sitting in the house, sad and all, and his mama comes in, says, “What happened to those nice girls you were bringing around? I thought you were gonna marry one of them.” Boy says, “But, Mama, Daddy said I couldn’t cuz they was my sisters.” The mother says, “What?” And the boy says, “That’s what he said. He said you didn’t know about it.” The mother says, “Well, don’t you worry, son, you marry whichever one you please, cause he ain’t your daddy.”

[ HAL laughs uproariously. WILL chuckles. GINA smokes. The WAITRESS returns, places their drinks on the table. ]

GINA Keep ’em coming, okay?

DOCTOR and PATIENT.

DOCTOR So you’ve been forgetting.

PATIENT What’s the missus think of the new digs?

DOCTOR So you’ve been forgetting.

PATIENT Go to Crate & Barrel, did you? Get the latest stemware?

DOCTOR You’ve been forgetting.

PATIENT A lot.

DOCTOR What’re you on?

PATIENT Nothing but the shit you prescribed. What’s it? Haldol. I had a dog once. Had him from the time I was four till I was sixteen. His name was BB and when you stuck your nose in his fur it smelled like cinnamon. Don’t ask me why, but it did. And I can tell you how he didn’t so much walk as trundle. Is that a word? He trundled and his butt sashayed like a French hooker’s. I loved that dog. So how come I can’t tell you what kind of dog he was?

DOCTOR He was a mutt?

PATIENT If he was a mutt, I’d tell you he was a mutt. I’d remember he had a mutt’s face. But I can’t see his face. I can’t remember what he looked like.

DOCTOR You can’t see his face.

PATIENT Twelve years of my life and I can’t see his face. It’s the noise, the noise, the noise, don’t you think?

DOCTOR What noise?

PATIENT

What noise? The fucking bells, the whistles, the plethora of fucking choices for fucking nothing. The fucking Coast or Irish Spring or Ivory Snow. The SUVs and handbags and coats and diet pills and fitness programs and everything new-and-fucking improved! And you buy it so it’ll fill those places in you that never did fill, those places you carry around in you like extra lungs? It’ll make you feel right, but you’re not filled, you’re not right. And then you wake up and you can’t remember what your dog looked like. Jesus Christ.

DOCTOR Take a breath.

PATIENT I’m breathing. I didn’t forget how to do that.

DOCTOR Well, that’s something.

PATIENT Yeah, that’s something. Who are you?

DOCTOR What?

PATIENT Kidding.

BOBBY and BOBBY’S FATHER.

BOBBY’S FATHER So you didn’t stash it at Gwen’s house?

BOBBY Not that I recall.

BOBBY’S FATHER Think.

BOBBY I’ve been thinking.

BOBBY’S FATHER So you’re sure it’s not there.

BOBBY I didn’t say I’m sure. I said “Not that I recall.”

BOBBY’S FATHER Well, recall better.

BOBBY Would that I could. Where’s Gwen?

BOBBY’S FATHER I told you two years ago, that girl got gone. No note, no nothing, just blew out of town. Forget her. Shit, you forgot everything else. Forget Gwen. Hear me? Forget Gwen. So where do you think it is?

BOBBY Like a bulldog on a pork chop.

BOBBY’S FATHER You’ve got to have some theories.

BOBBY Where’s Gwen?

BOBBY’S FATHER Caracas. Uzbekistan. Kathmandu. I told you. I don’t know.

BOBBY So maybe it’s with her.

BOBBY’S FATHER No.

BOBBY Why not?

BOBBY’S FATHER You told me.

BOBBY I did? What I tell you?

BOBBY’S FATHER You called me from the hospital parking lot.

BOBBY I did? The hospital? No shit?

BOBBY’S FATHER Dumb fucking move if ever there was one, her dropping you there.

BOBBY I seem to remember I was bleeding all over the place by that point, starting to talk all funny.

BOBBY’S FATHER Oh, sure, you remember that.

BOBBY So what’d I say when I called you?

BOBBY’S FATHER You fucking with me?

BOBBY Perish the thought.

BOBBY’S FATHER Are you?

BOBBY Just asking what I said.

BOBBY’S FATHER You said, “I hid it somewhere safe. No one knows where but me.”

BOBBY I said all that? Wow. What else I say?

BOBBY’S FATHER Nothing. Cops had pulled up by that point, were calling you motherfucker, telling you to drop the fucking phone and get on the fucking ground you fucking motherfucker. You hung up.

BOBBY Cops do love saying “fuck.” So I guess Gwen doesn’t have it.

BOBBY’S FATHER No, she doesn’t.

BOBBY Huh. Well, let’s hope something jars my memory.

BOBBY’S FATHER Yeah, let’s.

The DOCTOR sits alone in the booth. The table is littered with empty glasses. The WAITRESS approaches.

WAITRESS Let me get some of those out of your way, honey.

DOCTOR Thanks.

WAITRESS You guys want another?

DOCTOR Sure. Why not?

[ The WAITRESS leaves as the PATIENT returns from the bathroom. She sits, looks across at him. They both laugh. ]

PATIENT What?

DOCTOR What, what?

PATIENT You’re lit.

DOCTOR I am.

PATIENT How unseemly of you.

DOCTOR I hate those “un” words that have no correlative.

PATIENT Big-word breakfast this morning?

DOCTOR You know what I mean. You hear of someone being un-seemly, but never seemly. No one says “His behavior was impeccably seemly.” Or did you ever hear of someone being “kempt”? No really. You’re always un-kempt. I’d like to be there, alive and ticking, the day someone says “This is Ted. He’s kind to his mother, has perfect dental, drives an Audi, and is astonishingly kempt.”

PATIENT Wow. You are so lit.

DOCTOR I am. It’s pleasant.

[ WAITRESS returns with their drinks. She leaves. ]

PATIENT Bit of a slippery slope we’re on, Doctor, don’t you think?

DOCTOR What do you mean?

PATIENT Weren’t you the one who advised me against being coy? Who’s coy now?

DOCTOR Madam, I object to the imputation. I am not being coy, I am being drunk. And if the slippery slope to which you refer has an end point of illicit sexual congress, I can assure you that the liquor has made that far more of a moot point than a likely occurrence.

PATIENT You’re too drunk to get it up.

DOCTOR Precisely.

PATIENT Who’s going to need a cab now?

DOCTOR Cheers.

PATIENT But won’t the missus wonder where the car is in the morning? And why that car was left outside a honky-tonk in the unincorporated part of the county?

DOCTOR Let’s leave her out of this.

PATIENT You leave her out of a lot, I’d bet. Is she pretty?

DOCTOR Yes.

PATIENT Smart?

DOCTOR Very.

PATIENT Don’t-drink-don’t-smoke-what-do-you-do kinda gal?

DOCTOR I’m not trying to make it bad.

PATIENT You’re not trying to make it bad?

DOCTOR I’m trying to make it good. I am.

PATIENT Meeting me in a bar so you can fuck me, that’s trying to make it good?

DOCTOR I’m not trying to fuck you.

PATIENT Yes, you are.