Maggie Berman - Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man

If you’re out on a date, chances are that he took a shower before heading out. But if he just came upstairs from walking the dog or fixing your washing machine, you’ll feel a whole lot better if you’re not gagging from the smell of 3-in-1 oil or other unpleasant odors. Likewise for eliminating that ambient barroom smell of smoke and Scotch. The same thing goes for you. Those silver plastic pants you saw in Vogue may look hot , but they might leave you smelling like the beach after a nasty storm. We’re not saying you have to get crazy about this, but it does make things more pleasant.

Rumor has it that Cher, upon sighting a particularly sexy specimen, ordered, “Have him washed and brought to my tent.” She can probably get away with that, but unless you’re Claudia Schiffer or fabulously wealthy, do not, under any circumstances, suggest that he take a shower. This could make him feel momentarily undesirable or inferior to your royal pristineness. It is much better to say, “Hmm, looking at you like that makes me warm. I think I’ll cool off in the shower.” After that, look him in the eye and remove an article of clothing. He’ll be mesmerized—honest. As you walk toward the bathroom, he probably won’t need any coaxing to join you. If he’s really dense, don’t hesitate to offer a sincere invitation. If that doesn’t do the trick, just say that you feel the need to take a shower. Leave the bathroom door open a bit, get naked, get under the water, and beckon him to bring you more soap, a washcloth or your body lotion from the nightstand (see chapter 2). The rest is up to you.

And while we’re on the subject of you, there are a few other don’ts that women’s magazine sometimes overlook.

Did you ever notice that gay men might admire your cool jewelry but they don’t wear much of it themselves? Maybe it’s true that men are dazzled by shiny, dangling earrings and fluffy hair accessories, but he really doesn’t want your tennis bracelet caught in his pubic hair, and neither do you, for that matter. Even the smallest diamond studs, whether they’re in your ears, nose or belly button, can do serious damage. Remember, if it can cut glass, it can cut skin. Ditto on the watch, rings and ankle bracelets.

There’s no doubt that sexy lingerie is a turn-on. It becomes a royal pain when those delicate pearl beads and crystal buttons get tangled and stuck in his chest hair, or leave a dent in his skin. Keep it simple. Chances are very good that you won’t be wearing it for long anyway.

While men are fascinated by your fabulous French manicure, and look forward to a gentle back rub with your nails, no one wants to be fishing around in bed for a fake nail tip. If he finds a Vamp lacquered nail tip between the sheets the day after, he might freak out because he doesn’t know what it is, or worse, he might think you’re a total fake. Civilized gay men, and we’ve never known one who isn’t, are fastidious about clipped and filed nails. Keep your nails trim and smooth, because you never know where they might end up.

Women’s magazines are big on fragrance, but remember, they get paid big bucks to run those ads. Contrary to what the salesperson says, men do not equate a certain fragrance with fabulousness. It doesn’t make any difference anyway. If they can hardly remember your birthday, why would you expect them to remember your perfume? He may like your Windsong on his mind, but not on his sheets, shirts and sofa. A well-placed dab here and there is fine. Just don’t overdo it. Also on this subject, the world is now filled with pollutants and allergens to which few are totally immune. A sneezing fit when he leans forward to kiss you is a surefire way to kill the moment.

Do wear suede, cashmere, silk and leather for their sensual feel or smell. Don’t wear scratchy wools, cheap stiff lace or things that make you sweat like a pig. Another word on texture: You may never suspect it, but your pubic hair can be just as irritating on his lips and chin as his beard can be on your face. Good sexual grooming tells us that the use of a simple, over-the-counter hair conditioner can prevent a bad case of brush burn.

Before you get overly enthusiastic about running your fingers through a guy’s hair, look at the texture and style. Does it always look exactly the same? Does the feel of it seem a little odd? Don’t make the same mistake Danny did. Every time he ran his fingers through this one guy’s hair, the guy would push his hand away. Suddenly, in a flash of brilliance, he realized the guy had a weave. So if you’re looking for splendor in the grass, make sure it’s not AstroTurf.

While we’re on the subject, one thing most women have no idea about is how to deal with men’s body hair. While massaging or licking a hairy chest, thigh or calf, do be gentle. Unless you’re lightly tickling him, concentrate on the muscle and not the surface, because an overzealous stroking may seem passionate to you, but it’s a painful hair-pulling for him. Creams, lotions and massage oils can make it even worse. Use them judiciously.

A funny thing happened to two buddies of ours, Freddy and Eduardo, who hooked up one night and got a little overeager with the massage oil. Bursting from the bedroom in a fit of passion, they bounced from room to room in a series of energetic embraces, hitting just about every wall in the house. The next morning they were surprised to see their hand, back and butt prints, in oily silhouette, all over the prized antique wallpaper so preciously preserved by Freddy. Don’t overdo it with the oils.

Another tip we recently picked up on the Net was the following warning: “Never tape body parts together.” We concur.

Don’t discuss things like periods, rashes, yeast infections, bikini waxing or other things that can make a straight man squeamish. Save that kind of talk for your girlfriends and gay friends. One international businessman friend of ours was dating a woman who seemed really nice, with a cosmopolitan flair. But after a couple of cocktails, she tipped her hand: She was just another bimbette from the boonies. While our friend was patient enough to hear about her Donna Karan panty hose, their relationship was over when she started discussing how her power puss punctured the puny panty panel.

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The phrase going all the way was a polite way of describing sexual intercourse prior to the 1960s. Post-1960s vernacular would, undoubtedly, use the more descriptive but less metaphoric term to get laid or to hook up.