Maggie Berman - Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man

Although she was conducting business as usual, the standard sex scenario wasn’t working. The breakthough came one day after work, after a particularly exasperating night before, when Danny finally asked, “What exactly did you do?” So Maggie got down on the floor, assumed a position, and pantomimed the act as best she could considering that she was wearing a fabulous new Armani pantsuit. Danny was quick to offer advice based on his years of dating in the gay world. While the bustier and massage oil were good for a fleeting moment or a passing giggle, Danny knew that what Maggie needed was some expert technical assistance. It was time to learn a few inside tips.

In good weather, we would meet in the park for brown-bag lunchtime lessons. We could sit for hours after work in our favorite city park discussing dates, designers and dicks.

Cocktail conversations took on a new vigor and enthusiasm. What’s more, all of our other girlfriends wanted to know, too. Women of all ages, places and walks of life demanded to be let in on the action. The numerous requests for demonstrations and assistance by phone mounted quickly, and were far more than we could handle. And while Danny was eager to share the wealth with women everywhere, it was getting out of hand. Women whom he had never even met, and friends of friends, were calling him at work and asking him to explain “the pearl necklace.” They would report back on their successes. “Danny is all that and a bag of chips,” said one satisfied girlfriend.

Sure enough, the aforementioned man with the yellow Versace went on to a healthy long-term relationship with a guy named Greg. Maggie went on to employ her newfound tips and became very popular. The key thing to remember is that it’s not the act itself that makes an Oscar-winning performance. Sex is like good conversation: Anyone can talk, but there are some people who just have a winning way with words. It’s not what you say, but how you say it. And who among us couldn’t benefit from a few elocution lessons?

We remember one Super Bowl party consisting of two couples and us. The husbands went on a beer run while we stayed behind sipping margaritas with the wives. No sooner had the car started when one of the women commented that sex had changed since the kids arrived. Maggie responded by saying how vastly improved her sex life was since she took up Danny’s tips. Out came a curiously anatomically correct flashlight and a simple hand job demonstration that lit up their world. Stroking to the rhythm of Peggy Lee’s “Fever,” we soon had four flashlights and were all practicing in sync. “Oooh, what else do you know? Tell me, Danny.” “Well, did you ever try squeezing his nipples?” he asked. The wives looked at each other with a vacant, almost guilty stare. And then they turned to Danny and said, “You mean men have feeling in their nipples, too?” Case closed.

It seemed as though the women all agreed on one thing. The early sizzle, when men were so eager to show off their sexual prowess, was long past. Women are taught to let men take the lead, which is fine. But as we all know, men, and their penises, have limited attention spans and need constant entertainment. Sure, men have sporadic flashes of genius. But for the most part, sex could be reduced to kiss, touch, kiss, touch, kiss, pounce … “That was great for me, was it great for you?” The familiarity of lying side by side with a couple of smooches and caresses is fine, but a little variation to perk up Mr. Stiffy is always a welcome change.

Everybody knows the basics. Taking up these techniques while you’re dating will surely lead to a quick proposal of marriage. Introducing these tips if you’re married or in a long-term relationship will, undoubtedly, lead your partner to suspect you’ve been getting special coaching on the side. Tell him that you have. Tell him whatever you want. But think of this book as your personal trainer, at a fraction of the cost, and you don’t even have to leave your house.

We offer this simple line because a question as innocuous as this can get the ball rolling. When the opportunity to have sex presents itself, men don’t need cryptic, convoluted messages or fancy engraved invitations. On the other hand, they don’t want to be trampled like they’re in a subway at rush hour. So not-so-subtle is the key. Let’s face it. Most women just don’t seem comfortable taking the suggestion of Marabelle Morgan and greeting their partners at the door wrapped in plastic. Besides feeling like an idiot, you might end up looking like the last bologna sandwich left on the counter of the 7-Eleven that no one wants to buy. Too subtle, like cooking a gourmet dinner at home, will only make him feel full and much too guilty about wanting to jump your bones after you’ve worked so hard. The way to a man’s heart might be through his stomach, but in this case you’re shooting for parts a bit lower. Gay men are masters at coming up with simple lines to get guys to shed their clothes. Besides the tan-lines line, other tried and true lines you might use are:

To your banker boyfriend: “Wow, you’ve been working out. Make a muscle.”

To your hippie English professor: “Do you really have a peace sign tattooed on your thigh?”

To your buttoned-down accountant: “Wait a second … let me get that thread off your pants.”

To your doctor: “Would you mind taking a look at this bite for a second?”

To your new friend at the bar: “I have to go. Will you walk me home? Can you drop me off?”

To the delivery guy: “Just a minute, my handbag’s in the bedroom.”

To the male model you met at a film screening: Just forget it!

The variations are endless. Most men are bright enough to take the cue. All you have to do is come up with a line that works for you, and then …

We’ve had numerous conversations about when you’ve gotten the guy into striking distance but are unsure about what to do next. Sure, you can look up into his eyes with a sexy come-hither glance. You can throw your arms around his neck and deliver a deep, wet kiss. Or you can slowly and seductively massage the knots out of his neck or back. These might work, but in the end, there is only one method that is absolutely fail-safe. Take a deep breath, emit a slow, audible exhale, look into his eyes and just grab it.

You’re probably saying to yourself that he’ll think you’re a slut. Well, for a second, maybe. But rest assured that any bad thoughts will be quickly dispelled by the novelty of your taking the lead and by your awesome performance. This will make him happy. A little ladylike initiative can go a long way. Just Grab It is more than a piece of advice. It’s a way of life.

Before we get into the actual tips, there are some preliminary things you should know. Gay men look at every sexual encounter as a once-in-a-lifetime performance. While women get gold stars for having food in the fridge for the next morning, gay men know that their partners may not hang around that long. They want everything to be perfect and do their best to design the most fabulous experience ever—whether they expect to see that person again or not. So while some of these tips may seem obvious, they’re worth keeping in mind.

A nice shower is always a good idea whether he smells like he just got back from the gym or not. In your old life it may not have mattered, because you were the wide receiver and he was the star quarterback. But now that your hands, mouth and, yes, your nose will be in places they might not have been before—and for a longer time, at that—you’ll want to be sure that he’s squeaky clean. We’re not saying that a natural manly scent isn’t a turn-on, but no one wants to stick their face into an old gym shoe. Hot and sweaty after sex is good, but before is another matter altogether.