Rimma Efimkina - Not pregnant yet? You bet!

I was amused by this metaphor – it’s funny how our subconscious chooses a symptom to convey its message! In the course of Nastya’s session we did find out that her job was to separate psychologically from her father (“limit the excess of male hormones”).

A little bit later I found out that Nastya got pregnant and had baby.

It’s not until recently that I found Nastya through mutual acquaintances and found out that she was a mother of two girls. I sent her a piece of text with the description of her session and got an answer, which I quote here with her permission:

Hi!

You just live your life and… bang! – you are in a book! You won’t believe it, but I don’t remember this session at al! I remembered it just when I read the text. This means all this is 100% in the past for me. I guess, it kind of is.

My father died a year ago. I felt bitter at the loss, I was hurt, but I didn’t feel guilty. I don’t feel it now. I think that I should have felt guilty. Because he warned me: “I will die”. And he did. And I didn’t do anything to avoid it! But I don’t feel guilty!

Now, thanks to you and this text passage, I have understood that I began this separation more than ten years ago. I’m so glad I did!!! Thank you!

I have two daughters, the girls are mirror reflections of each other. My first pregnancy was unexpected the doctors called it “diamond” pregnancy. According to all tests’ results I was told I would be treated for at least three years before I can even begin preparing for IVF – the doctors were not even hoping I could conceive naturally.

This is why I did not expect it – I started the treatment with this drug that had severe side-effects, including collapsing. I felt terrible, but I thought it was due to the side-effects. My husband suspected something and suggested taking a pregnancy test. It was negative.

I went on a business trip abroad, came back, and I felt even worse!!! So I drink the drugs, lie down flat and my husband suggests taking the test again. I was against it – why? Before the business trip it was negative, I didn’t have sex during the trip and after it – WHERE would it come from? To make him stop grumping I bought one.

I still remember how surprised I was when I saw it was positive! It turned out I was 10 weeks pregnant! And I felt bad because of toxemia!

I am very happy for Nastya, I looked at the picture of her two girls born almost ten years apart. Nastay is a happy mother – what else can I say?

In the beginning of the chapter I said that in our society it’s usually women who undertake “saving” men. His is how they were brought up, the thought that a man can take care of himself does not even enter their minds. I gave three typical examples and there are hundreds more! In the first case, it’s a story of Yana who tries to get pregnant while it’s her husband who has “infertility” diagnosis. In the second case, it’s the story of Kseniya whose reproductive function is blocked, because she tries to meet the expectations of the meaningful men in her life, but does not listen to her heart. Finally, it’s a story of Nastya who feels obliged to fill the life of her drunkard father with meaning, ignoring her own human needs. Healing for women with similar patterns of behavior means discovering that their close ones can take care of themselves and becomong selfish in a good way.

To sum up, I would like to finish this chapter “Male factor” with what I began it – men with infertility diagnosis. While I was writing the book, I’ve got an example of psychological work with male infertility. Recently I shared with a male colleague that I was writing a book on female infertility. He was surprised:

– Why just female?

– It’s sad, I don’t have any cases of male infertility.

– I have, and plenty.

We discussed, theoretically, why men could have issues fertilizing. I suggested that one should analyze symbolic meanings of adjectives used to describe the sperm of a man. If they have “low motility”, one should try to find out where the man stays motionless, or, to put it in psychological terms, where he is rigid in his beliefs? If there are little alive sperm, one should find out what is dead and left unburied in the life of the man? As they say, we chatted and went our separate ways.

In two weeks after we had the talk, my colleague called me and told that his forty-three year old client who had had low motility sperm just had his sperm tested and it turned out that his sperm was like a young man’s. It happened after our conversation: while working with the client my colleague said that the sperm mirrored his behavior. And here is the result!

I want my readers to know: man can change and do change the characteristics of their sperm through psychotherapy.

While he was a boy, this man fell victim to sexual harassment attempt form his older teenaged peers. Nothing actually happened, but it caused an uprising of strong feelings in the client, and he kept this “skeleton in the closet” for almost forty years. He told his therapist about this childhood memory and expressed the long-suppressed feeling of being humiliated due to which he didn’t feel fully manly. The client was able to change the way he saw himself, which was —depreciated just because of the experience.

A more mature way to look at this is to understand that a man can’t be strong all the time. He loses in some situations, but he does not stop being a man because of this. Unfortunately, our society shares and even encourages the immature belief that a man should be on top of his game all the time. More often than not it is impossible for them to accept and take in the vulnerable side of their personality. This is why they put on a mask of “the strong one”, exercising their bodies, putting of the airs of an alpha-male (this is how my colleague described the client). And the weakness was expressed in a less apparent way – behavior of his sperm.

As soon as the client saw the connection between the “message” his body was trying to send him and his own behavior the symptom disappeared. Why wouldn’t it, if the “message” was read? Now nothing prevents the man from naturally becoming a father. And – remember the statistics? – there are forty such man in a hundred of infertile couples. Well, now it’s thirty-nine!

It is impossible to skip the topic of IVF in a book like this, IVF being the most cutting-edge and the most expensive way of having a baby in case of infertility. IVF is a proof of the mankind being able to do the things that were only God’s work before. This brings forward different ethical, moral, and psychological issues.

IVF stands for in vitro fertilization, “in vitro” meaning “in glass”. It is an ancillary reproductive procedure used in case of infertility. Another ways to say this would be “artificial insemination”, “having test-tube babies”, etc. In the course of the procedure, the egg is removed from the woman’s body and artificially fertilize in vitro (in a test-tube). After the fertilized egg undergoes embryo culture for 2—5 days, it is transferred into the uterus for further development.