Rimma Efimkina - Not pregnant yet? You bet!

– Kseniya, how does this dream remind you of your life? Who lied to you and what this was about?

– I remembered my first man. I met him when I was seventeen, he was older than me. In a month he told me he was married and he had a child. He was just leaving his wife when he met me. My parents forbade me from seeing him, they told it would end badly. So it did in three months – we ran a woman down.

– You? Who was driving?

– He was. But I was sitting right next to him.

– So why did you say we instead of he .

– Because it sort of happened because of me.

– How was that?

– He was not himself. The day before he insisted I packed my stuff and moved out of my parents’. I got scared and came without my stuff. He got angry and said he would drive me back if I was not able decide; he got me into the car and drove. He was going over the speed limit and ran down a woman who was crossing the street.

Kseniya hid her face and cried.

– What is going on with you?

– It pains me! I didn’t know she was dead at first, I was hoping she was alive… That his wife taught me what I should say as a witness. I lied that I didn’t know him, because if I told I was his girlfriend, I wouldn’t be able to witness and it that case he wouldn’t have had any witnesses at all.

– What were you supposed to say?

– That the woman threw herself under the car! But that was not true, I saw her, I cried to him, but he drove so fast!

– So, you lied?

– Yes. And it haunts me. I remember his wife saying: “It’s a good thing she did not have kids!” Maybe my infertility is the way I pay for that lie?

– What are you most concerned with in this story?

– That this woman could have lived.

– What does this mean to you?

– That she could have had kids!

– Tell her about this.

Kseniya chooses one of the members of the group for the role of the woman who died, stands in front of her and says:

– I have wronged you. If it wasn’t for you, my man would have driven me to my parents’ and broke up with me “forever” yet another time. I was sitting in the car thinking about the pain I would feel as I go out, close the door and be alone. But this way he needed me, we communicated for six more months…

– And then?

– And then, when the case was closed, we still broke up. I got tired of him not being able to make a choice, got tired of being jealous, in pain and waiting for something. My father said: “I told you so!” So I married a different man, so that my father stopped bothering me with his reproaches.

– Exchange places with the dead woman and tell something to Kseniya on her behalf.

Kseniya, on behalf of the dead woman:

– I don’t care. This fuss has nothing to do with me anymore.

When Kseniya returned to her place, she confessed she felt better as she shared this secret.

– I couldn’t talk to anybody about this. My husband got mad when my previous relationship with a man came up. He hears only that I was not a virgin when he married me.

– Tell him about it.

Kseniya, talking to her “husband”:

– I’m angry at you pretending I didn’t have another man before you. I did, and he is a whole part of my life. Yes, I’m not a saint and I’m glad I’m not. I wish I dated me before getting married!

– Why didn’t you?

– Because of my father! I was fed up with his reproaches! He is the one to talk – he was a real dog when he was young, but I must be perfect so that he is able to say he is a good father.

– Tell him about it.

Kseniya tells all this to her “father”. When she exchanges places with him, she says on his behalf:

– I feel respect towards you for saying this.

At first glance, Kseniya’s question about conceiving, bearing a child and giving birth has nothing to do with the session she had. But this only seems so. The inability to become a mother shows that a woman has a problem in her relationships. In Kseniya’s case there were several problems, and during her session we solved them all one by one.

Firstly, from the very beginning it was clear that she is pressured by her husband, who, in his turn, was the prisoner of his mother’s influence. In Kseniya’s first dream such treatment on the young couple was metaphorically shown like two chimpanzees – male and female – being used to entertain tourists.

Then the story that haunted Kseniya for ten years came up. It was her first love that ended in her being used by her lover and his wife. One can only feel sympathy towards a seventeen year old girl who practically still was a child and who was involved in this ambiguous situation where she gained no support.

The third conflict the girl had was with her father. A man of loose morals, he had double standards: a woman cannot do what a man can. Her husband behaved the same way – he couldn’t even stand the thought that Kseniya had been involved with another man before marriage.

It is worth noting that all the three “deceptions” come from men in Kseniya’s life: her father, her first man, her husband. And it is the father who set the primary pattern for all the following misrepresentations.

All these misinterpretations in the mind of the client were revealed during the session and this allowed Kseniya to change the way she saw herself. The message of her second dream, where a post-officer tells her she could have received this package earlier if she hadn’t been lied to, also became clear. If receiving a package means having a baby, then, yes, it could have happened earlier, if it weren’t for the “deception”. Now that the deception is revealed, there is hope that the next pregnancy will make Kseniya a happy mother.

Here is yet another story of infertility with the bright metaphor for codependent relationships with one’s father. Nastya is my student, she is thirty. She heard during one of my lectures that some incurable diseases could be treated by psychosomatic therapy and decided to give a try to this method. I invited her to my psychosomatic group, but she refused, as it was hard for her to share the intimate details of her family life with strangers.

I agreed to work individually. I don’t think it’s a good idea, as healing the soul in solitude encourages isolation. I often witness how members of a group share their stories about similar problems and are relieved when they hear they are not alone. Nevertheless, after sharing their problem with one person (therapist) some women agree to go to the group.

Nastya said nervously:

– I have been married for two years and I cannot get pregnant. I have a rare condition – polycystic ovaries.

– It will be more clear for me if you tell about the disease in your own words. Polycystic ovaries – how is that?