Wally Lamb - The Hour I First Believed

While she was in the bathroom, I lay there wondering who she’d just fucked. Me? Paul Hay? Some new guy I didn’t know about? The toilet flushed. Her shadow moved across the wall. She climbed back into bed and scooched up against me. “So what did all that just mean?” I said.

“Nothing,” she finally said. “I got scared.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. Nothing. Can you hold me?”

AT THE MEETING THE NEXT afternoon, the six of us waited ten minutes for the school psychologist to show. Dr. Importance, a lot of us called him. “Well, screw it,” Ivy finally said. “We’ve all got lives. Let’s get started.”

Ivy said she hoped a little context might help us cope with someone who, admittedly, was a very complicated young woman. “Now to begin with, she’s an emancipated minor. That’s always an iffy situation, but in Velvet’s case, it may be for the best. Her experiences with adult caretakers—”

“Okay, hold it,” Henry Blakely said. “I apologize for wanting to take twenty-five kids through an American history curriculum, but frankly I don’t care to know who spanked her or looked at her cross-eyed when she was little.” My space in the teachers’ parking lot was next to Henry’s. His back bumper had two stickers: “I’d Rather Be Golfing” and “He who dies with the most toys WINS!”

“Trust me, Henry,” Ivy said. “It goes way beyond spanking.”

“So that gives her a get-out-of-jail-free card?”

“Of course it doesn’t. What I’m saying is—”

“No, here’s what I’m saying. She’s combative, she refuses to do the work, and if she shows up in my class wearing those penis earrings again, she’s going to get the boot, same as she got today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have two decent kids in my room, waiting to take their makeups.”

Ivy sat there for a moment, gathering herself. “Decent and indecent,” she said. “I guess it makes life easier when you can put kids in two camps and write off half of them.” She reached into her big canvas bag. “Almost forgot. Mr. Quirk wanted refreshments.” We passed the Mint Milanos around the conference table and told our tales of woe.

Audrey Gardner said she had trouble getting past the swastika tattoo on Velvet’s calf. “It’s upsetting for some of the students, too,” she said. “Poor Dena Gobel came to me in tears.”

Ivy said she was “all over” that one—that she and Velvet had just had a heart-to-heart about the Holocaust. “It was a case of stupid judgment, not anti-Semitism. When she was living in Fort Collins, she got mixed up with some skinhead assistant manager at the Taco Bell where she used to hang out. Getting the swastika was apparently some kind of love test. It shouldn’t be a problem anymore, Audrey. I bought her more Band-Aids than there are days left in the school year, and she says she’ll wear them. What else we got?”

Bill Gustafson said most days Velvet came back from lunch “on cloud nine.” Andy Kirby said that, on her second day in his class, Velvet declared algebra irrelevant to her life and strolled out the door. “Haven’t seen her since,” he said. Gerri Jones said Velvet had never shown up for gym.

“How about you, Quirk?” Ivy asked.

I reported that on the bad days, Velvet was openly hostile, and on the good ones, she was merely passive-aggressive.

“But she comes to class, right?”

“Yup.”

“You get a chance to read her story yet?”

I nodded. Summarized the plotline of Velvet’s revenge fantasy.

“Wow,” Audrey said. “Quite an imagination.” No one else said a thing.

Dr. Importance showed up at the one-hour mark and signed off on the decision to pull Velvet from the mainstream. She’d receive her education, instead, seated at a study carrel in the in-school suspension room. Teachers would forward Velvet’s work to Ivy, who’d see to it that it was completed and returned. It was a house arrest of sorts.

Ivy said what Velvet needed was a faculty “buddy,” one of us who’d be willing to check in with her each day—say at lunchtime—so that she’d have adult contact with someone other than herself and Mrs. Jett, the detention room monitor, aka “Hatchet Face.” “How about it, Caelum?” Ivy asked. “She seems to have opened the door a crack to you. You want to give it a shot?”

“Can’t,” I said. “Cafeteria duty.”

“Well, what if I talk to Frank? See if we can get you reassigned?”

My crucial mistake was shrugging instead of shaking my head.

After the meeting broke up, Ivy said she wanted to share some of the particulars of Velvet’s biography off the record, provided I thought I had stomach enough to hear them.

Mom and Dad, both drug addicts, had had their parental rights revoked when Velvet was seven. For fun, they and their friends had gotten her drunk, taken her to a carnival, and put her by herself on the Tilt-a-Whirl. Velvet had tried to get off the ride mid-spin and ended up with a concussion and a gash on the side of her head.

“I’ve seen the scar,” I said.

“There was a grandmother in Vermont. She took her in for a while. Decent enough person, I guess, but Velvet was too much for her to handle. She kept running away, back to her mom. The family shipped her out here five or six years ago. An uncle up in Fort Collins said he’d take a crack at her. Which he did, literally, many times over. She was twelve when she moved back to the grandmother’s. Then Grandma died and she came back to Colorado. She landed in the emergency room, then bounced into the foster care system. When she was fourteen, she had an abortion.”

“The skinhead?” I asked.

“No, he came along later. It was one of her foster brothers or their friends—she couldn’t say who. She only knew it wasn’t the dad, who’d never touched her, or the upstairs uncle, who’d never penetrated. His thing was urinating on her.”

“Good God. And we’re supposed to save her with academics?”

What was hopeful, Ivy said, given Velvet’s history with men, was that she’d singled me out as someone at the school who she might risk trusting.

“She doesn’t trust me,” I said. “She’s not even civil.”

“But that story of hers,” Ivy said. “The character’s angry, alienated, self-hating. That’s a form of disclosure, isn’t it? Maybe she’s testing the waters with you, Quirk. And wouldn’t that be awesome, if she could establish a trustworthy relationship with an adult male? Begin to build on that?”

“Well, she and I have one thing in common,” I said.

“What’s that?”

“Drunken fathers.”

Ivy smiled. “Yours, too, huh? Listen, I’m in a great ACOA group, if you ever want to go to a meeting.”

I shrugged. Told her I had no talent for acronyms.

“Adult Children of Alcoholics,” she said.

“Oh, right. Thanks. But no.”

“It helps,” she said.

“Probably does,” I said. “But my dad died when I was a kid. I buried all that stuff a long time ago.”

“Oh,” she said. “So was I the one who just brought him up?”

VELVET AND I BEGAN OUR sessions by examining “Guerrilla Grrrrl.” She said it was neither a parody nor a reflection of herself; it was just some stupid story she’d made up because she had to. No, she didn’t want to revise it. With deep sighs of disgust, she fixed the spelling and run-on sentences and declared the job done. In the next few weeks, I gave her two more writing assignments. For each, she wrote variations on the first story.

She was a reader, so there was that to build on. During one of our early go-arounds, I asked her what kind of books she liked. “I don’t know,” she said. “Different kinds. But not that Shakespeare shit.”

“So what’s your favorite book?” I asked. I was grasping, frankly. A dialogue between “buddies” is tough when you’re the only bud who’s talking. Velvet answered my question with an indifferent shrug. So I was pleasantly surprised when, the next day, she took a Chiclet-sized piece of paper out of her back pocket, unfolded and unfolded it, and handed it to me. “These are my top four,” she said. “I like them all the same.” She had scrawled fifteen or sixteen book titles and crossed out all but Dune, Interview with the Vampire, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and To Kill a Mockingbird. I told her that Mockingbird was one of my favorites, too. She nodded soberly. “Boo Radley rocks,” she said.