Pieter Hintjens - The Psychopath Code - Cracking the Predators That Stalk Us

❂ Mallory hits you with crises that deepen your addiction, as she consumes you. The idealize-devalue-discard cycles can repeat every few weeks or months, for years. You feel empty, depressed, sick, angry, lonely. Yet when Mallory pays attention to you, the euphoria kicks in again for a little while.

❂ Mallory starts to terrify you. You see madness in her eyes. She threatens to harm you, to kill you. She smashes glasses, reaches for a knife, slaps you, punches you, bites. You flee. The idea of calling for help doesn’t cross your mind. You haven’t asked anyone for help so far. This is love, right?

❂ The violence disappears as fast as it came, without discussion or resolution. If you bring up the subject, Mallory starts her list of accusations against you. The list is long and grows each time she tells it. You learn that to forget is to forgive.

❂ When Mallory is not there, you think about her all the time. It feels like love, except you are miserable. You lose sleep and friends. You try to make yourself happy by spending money. Mallory likes that, and joins in with enthusiasm.

❂ You start to have random thoughts of suicide. Most likely, after one of Mallory’s rage explosions. You feel trapped and alone. You feel worthless and unwanted. Death would be a relief. What would be the least painful method to die? What is stopping you? Fear and shame, perhaps.

If this is familiar to you, I’m half-sorry for taking you back to your memories. Then again, that was the point. Realize that this same story plays out over, and over, and over. It always feels so personal, so special. That is another lie. It is impersonal, and mundane.

Sleeping with Mallory is one of those "well, I thought it was a good idea at the time" things. Susan Walsh, the narcissist watcher I already quoted, writes, " Please don’t date one. I beg you not to fall in love with one. And never, ever marry one ." It is good advice, yet assumes a level of control that often just isn’t there, any more.

It is more likely that you tangle with Mallory at work. I’d say it’s inevitable unless you are lucky enough to be in a small business that has escaped infection.

Larger organizations are rarely fun places to work. Forbes reports [76] http://www.forbes.com/sites/work-in-progress/2014/01/20/8-common-causes-of-workplace-demotivation/ that 80% of US workers "feel stressed" at the office and only 30% feel "engaged." Almost 20% are "actively disengaged." That means they go to work, take the pay check, yet hate every minute of it.

Forbes cites a list of reasons. There is lack of trust from and in management. There is the insecurity, boredom, and lack of progress. There are the poor communications and unpleasant co-workers. All except boredom are classic symptoms of a relationship with Mallory.

So here’s an idea. Big business is the dark side of the Moon. It is an unseen surface disfigured by psychopath impact craters. Hundreds of millions of them, impact after impact. And they cover everything.

Here is how it feels to work in a healthy workplace:

❂ You wake up every morning with joy at the idea of going to work and seeing your colleagues. After all, you share the same dreams and passions. You like these people, and they like you.

❂ Your workplace is creative, and effective. Everyone brings problems and ideas to the table, and solves them without delay or fuss. There is a lot of chatter, and few meetings.

❂ You find yourself teaching others, and often the work is playful. Your bosses tell you if there are major problems to focus on. They provide coffee, and Internet. They don’t tell you how to do your work, nor when.

❂ You set your own priorities, because you know what the customers want and need. And the customers seem happy, except when there’s a serious problem. Even then, they know you’re doing your best.

❂ The bosses treat you like equals, and share in the work. They know what they’re doing, and they trust their staff. After all, they hired you one by one.

❂ The team grows little by little. New hires usually start as interns or apprentices. If an intern doesn’t fit the culture, they don’t stay for long.

❂ The pay and benefits are OK, yet that’s not the reason you work there. You work there because it makes you happy. You work there because you can’t imagine any reason to leave.

❂ When you think of who your friends are, your workmates are high on the list. You enjoy their company and you often hang out together, after work.

❂ You and your colleagues often stay late. Not because someone is watching, just because you love what you’re doing. The work makes you feel satisfied, and fulfilled.

❂ When you go home and spend time with your family, you never feel stressed about work. Your evenings and weekends are yours. Of course if there’s a problem, work can call. They almost never do.

Here is how it feels to work on the dark side of the Moon:

❂ Your alarm clock forces you out of bed, and you hate it. Mondays are worst because it’s another five whole days until you can drink yourself sane.

❂ The commute is like riding the slow bus to Hell. A dark pit of despair fills you as you get to your stop. It’s raining. You left your umbrella on the bus. Of course.

❂ The notion of seeing your colleagues fills you with dread. You hope they don’t notice how hungover you are. You hope you don’t meet the boss on the way to your desk.

❂ The office is sterile, and impersonal. You can’t think. You’d take a music player and headset, except that’s forbidden. In the toilet, a new note from HR. It says, "Collarless t-shirts forbidden except on last Friday of each month. Enjoy mandatory casual Friday!"

❂ The coffee wakes you, and you find the energy to start on the report. Except, it’s meeting time. Everyone crowds into the meeting room. Planning time. Always the same. Your mind goes back to sleep.

❂ You start on that report, then you get a bunch of emails from the boss. She wants to know your planning for the next week. What was the meeting for then? She sends you PDFs with a presentation she wants to tidy up. It is large. And it is all wrong. You will need to redo everything. There goes your day. You feel sorry for yourself and angry with your boss.

❂ You don’t talk much to your colleagues. Above all not to ask for help. Everyone knows annual sales have been terrible. There will be layoffs. Your wife is sick again. You need the benefits. The thought makes you so anxious that you have to take a pill.

❂ You see a report from customer service. Satisfaction is down 5%, retention is still good. Someone in legal has been adding clauses that make it harder for customers to switch. Whatever. You don’t feel anything. The pill is working well.

❂ The boss is meeting with unknown people. Well dressed. Not from the company. Consultants? What’s going on? Afterwards, lots of handshakes and the suits leave, all smiles. The whole office is alert now.

❂ A few days later, there are new faces. "We’re bringing in help," the boss says at the morning meeting. The new faces all have expensive laptops. They take over the meeting room. Their new office. You wonder about tomorrow’s meeting.

❂ HR sends round a reminder for the Saturday company picnic. "Attendance is optional," as usual. Your daughter is doing her ballet school show on Saturday. You wonder what you can buy her to make up for it this time.

❂ You notice Larry isn’t there. Is he sick? You ask Nancy, over coffee. Fired, she tells you, with a strange smile. He didn’t pass review. That’s it. Didn’t pass review. No more detail. Larry was one of the few people you liked talking to. You start to feel the stress build up in the pit of your stomach. Must cut back on the coffee.