Richard Bandler - Reframing. Neuro–Linguistic Programming™ and the Transformation of Meaning

The same thing is true with the rigid know–it–all mother I talked about, or with a guy who has a belief system that women are out to control him. The same thing is true of every change that you make. I want to know the appropriate sequence to go after what I want, instead of deciding that I'm so all–knowing that I know the right way to do it. There's an elegance in the way people object. Their objections, as far as I'm concerned, are always valid, and they tell you exactly what you need to know. There are real dangers for your clients if you ignore their objections. If you can't communicate an idea to someone it's because of the way he is organized. The way he is structured right now doesn't make it possible for him to do certain things, unless you do other things first.

As soon as I have a well–formed outcome, I always back up, asking «What would make it possible for them to just fall into that?» If I try something and it doesn't work, I always back up in the process and ask «Well, if they can't do that, what else must be true?» When I answer that question, I have more information to go on.

Woman: I have seen a lot of couples where the woman's outcome, what she wants, is aggravating to the man. How do you deal with that?

Usually it's a specific behavior rather than the outcome that's objectionable. If the outcome is objectionable, then you go to meta– outcomes. You find out what the intention is behind the intention that she just stated. Rita, what does it do for you to get his attention?

Rita: It makes me feel good, like a desirable woman.

Good. What other ways do you have to feel good and desirable?

Woman: Let's say her intention is that she wants to get his attention, and he says that the way she could do that is to have sex in weird ways that she's not willing to do.

First I want to point out that this is an example of the specific behavior being unacceptable to her, not the outcome. If that happens, I can say to her «How else could you get his attention? What other ways could you use?»

Woman: I'm not having very much success finding any other ways.

OK. Then try modeling. «Would you think of half a dozen women who seem to be able to get their husbands' attention and notice the ways—publicly, at least—that they seem to succeed in doing that?» If she doesn't know any women who can do that, send her out in the world to find them.

Another alternative is to induce a deep trance and use a technique called «pseudo–orientation in time.» You have her jump three months into the future: «Remember three months ago when we first got together? I was just talking to a woman in the same position that you were in three months ago, and I remembered how you really couldn't get your husband's attention at that time except by bizarre, unacceptable sexual activities. Since that was unacceptable to you morally and ethically, I remember that you came up with some alternatives that were so effective that they surprised him as much as they surprised you. But I can't remember exactly what they were. Would you describe in detail what you did?»

There are lots of alternatives at that choice point, but you have to be respectful of the ecology of the system. You could also find out if you could make the bizarre sexual practices acceptable to her. «If you engaged in these bizarre sexual practices, what would happen that is unacceptable to you?» It may be that you could deal with her objections. There are lots of ways you can make a satisfactory change. You have to respect both her integrity and his integrity, find out the intention in both of their communications, and find effective ways for them to get together.

Woman: OK. I thought you were moving toward finding out his intention: what he would get out of the bizarre sexual activities.

You can do it that way, too. (He turns to Joe.) «If she engaged in these bizarre sexual activities, what would that do for you?»

Joe: It would give me excitement and intensity.

OK. Is there any other way that you have ever been involved that allowed you to feel excited in this intense way?

Joe: In the beginning of our relationship I felt that way.

So now I could access what those experiences were, and what the difference is between those and what's going on now.

You can go for the outcome with either or both members of the couple. Think of the basic reframing model here. There's an imbalance between the conscious and the unconscious, so you always go to the unconscious for the flexibility for the new choices. When you are doing reframing between people, you can make the assumption that they are equally flexible. In that case you can go in either direction at any point. When he's making a demand on her that she refuses, you can discover what that's going to do for him, or you can find out what the refusal is going to do for her.

I've run into cases where the man wants to engage in more sexual behavior. He's not satisfied with their sex life. She's not satisfied with their sexual behavior either, but she's using turning him down as a way to accomplish something else. For example, if she were to be sexually responsive to him, she thinks that would mean he would dominate her in all aspects of her life. She becomes sexually unresponsive in order to assert her autonomy. I've had it go the other way, too. The husband is sometimes the one in this position. Protecting autonomy is the outcome, or what is often called «secondary gain.»

The question now becomes «Can she find other ways of behaving which insure that she has her autonomy and independence, and that she has his respect?» When she has that, then she can allow what they both want, more satisfying sexual behavior. In order to do this, you have to separate the notion of her independence or autonomy from the sexual behavior itself. She has to have some other way of knowing that she's her own woman and can exercise choice, that is at least as convincing for her personally as being sexually unresponsive. When she has that, you've detached the outcome of independence or autonomy from the specific behavior of being sexually unresponsive. If she wants more sexual behavior and he does too, then they are free to engage in it with her autonomy still protected.

It's always by going to the context, by going to the frame, by going to the outcome, that you get the freedom to move around behaviorally. If you address the behavior directly, it may be ecologically unsound for them as a couple. Once I've gotten the intent and validated that they both agree to it, then I can begin to vary the behavior.

Let me give you another example. Let's say a father has just said to his daughter «If you don't listen to me and don't come home by ten o'clock, I'll ground you for a week, and blah, blah, blah …»

«Sam, did you notice what happened as you said that to your daughter?» «And, Martha, what were you feeling at that moment?»

«Oh, I feel like a little kid, you know, having to be told exactly what to do, and blah, blah, blah.»

«Now, was it your intention, Sam, to deliver the message to Martha that she's still a little kid and you have to take full control over her life with an iron fist?'

«Well, no. That's not what I intended.»

«What was your intention?»

«Well, I care. I don't want her hanging out with hoods. I don't want her out in the street. There's dope out there. I want her to be in the house, safe and sound. She's my girl, and I want to make sure that she has the kind of experiences that she needs to grow up like I want her to grow up.» The daughter says «But it's my life!»

«OK, Sam. Is part of that image that you have of your daughter growing up for her to be independent? Do you want her to be a woman who knows her own mind, who can stand on her own two feet and make decisions for herself based on the realities of the world? Or do you want her to be pushed around by other people's opinions?»