Steve Harvey: Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A pretty flowering bush that’ll make the yard look great and, every time either of you pulls into the driveway, you’ll be reminded of your solidly rooted relationship. Plus, when the flowers bloom, he might just cut a few and put them in a vase for you.

3.

If your man fixes the leaky faucet or changes the showerheads in the bathroom, show him your thanks by running him a hot bath later that evening.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Some quality alone time while he’s enjoying some for himself, or, even better, a steamy bath for two.

4.

If your man helps the kids into their pajamas and reads a story to them before it’s time to kiss them goodnight, tell him that watching him bond with the kids is total husband porn and turns you on.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Trust me: he’ll put those kids to bed most every night and give them plenty of, um, encouragement to stay there if he thinks it’ll result in some quality alone time with you.

5.

If your man makes all the reservations and arrangements for the two of you to have a fun, relaxing time together, tell him you appreciate his initiative to plan much-needed alone time just for the two of you.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: You’ll spark his spontaneity and inspire him to plan more date nights for the two of you.

6.

If your man fixes your car or makes arrangements with the mechanic to make sure it runs smoothly, or even just simply takes it to the car wash or fills up the tank with gas, thank him for keeping your sole source of transportation in good running condition.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A working ride and a lifelong personal mechanic/car washer/tank filler-upper.

7.

If your man washes a couple loads of laundry but leaves them for someone else (that would be you!) to fold, thank him for helping clear the hamper of the dirty clothes and invite him to help you fold them-together.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: Not only help finishing up, but some quality time talking and laughing with the guy you love.

8.

If your man runs to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and some eggs and cereal when you’re running low, thank him for noticing you were out of the essentials.

WHAT YOU’LL GET OUT OF IT: A man who will be more likely to make runs to the store because he sees the need, not because you begged.

How to Handle Money Problems with Men

It’s like my father used to say: the best thing you can do for a poor person is not be one of them. That’s because if a person in need comes to you for help-he doesn’t have the means to feed, clothe, or shelter himself-there’s nothing you can do for that guy if you’re broke too. This makes all the sense in the world to most men because we’re really clear that no matter how much we love our significant others and the families we create together, we can’t live off that love. It can’t pay the light bill. It doesn’t send in checks for the mortgage. You can’t drive it to the store or buy groceries with it. And no matter how much hugging is involved, it will not keep the people we love warm in the same way that good old-fashioned heat and electricity will. Simply put: we need money to provide the essentials for the people we love. And a man-a real man-will move heaven and earth to make sure that he has it, so that the people he loves have it.

The ability to do this is at the very core of manhood. From the moment the obstetrician smacks our bottoms and tells our mothers, “It’s a boy,” we are expected to understand and respect the fact that one of the most awesome responsibilities we will have as men is to have a clear-eyed, laserlike focus on who we are, what we do, and how much we make, and to use that to make sure that the people we love are taken care of-that they want for nothing, even after we’ve taken our last breath. As I wrote in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man , being the chief provider in our lady’s life is also one of the key ways we show our love for her and the family we build together. It’s absolutely critical for a man to show his love in that specific way.

Imagine, then, the problems that can arise if a man can’t get his family’s money right. Let’s say you get married and the honeymoon season is over. Now you’re in the thick of living your lives together and, suddenly, the grind of paying bills is getting complicated-you’ve got a couple of credit cards that are past due, the money you had set aside for rent had to be used to fix the car, and you’re a little short on the cash you need for the gas bill. Now toss some kids in there and watch your bank accounts get sucked dry. This scenario was complicated enough while the two of you were single and dealing with it on your own, but the frustration, embarrassment, and stress only multiplies when you have to go through those financial complications in front of and with someone else, and someone other than you is severely affected. Not to devalue how women feel in these situations, but I can tell you that this can wreak havoc on a man’s ego.

This man, who vowed to love you beyond measure, can’t show his love in the best way he knows how-by making sure he can tend to your most basic needs and even by giving you the things the two of you dream about as a couple-a nice house in a better neighborhood, good schools for the kids, a comfortable and safe ride, a vacation or two. Multiply that by a thousand if he actually loses his job-a scenario that’s not uncommon in our current economy, where men are taking the lead in the numbers of workers who’ve both lost their jobs and remained unemployed. A man who isn’t working not only suffers the blow of not being able to provide for you, but he also suffers the indignity of feeling as if he can’t protect you: if he can’t afford to pay your car note, then you’re on the bus; if he can’t afford the rent, he’s going to have to move his family to a neighborhood that may not be as safe and where the schools may not uphold the standard you had in mind for the kids; if he can’t pay the electricity bill, the family is about to be a little chilly come wintertime. All of these things can make a man feel as if he’s failing to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Consider, too, that if he loses his job, he’s taking a hit in two of the three cornerstones of manhood-what he does and how much he makes. And that takes a huge toll on his identity and dignity.

You know what comes next: The two of you face down tough times with more arguments over spending. He checks out mentally and emotionally while the two of you grapple with hard financial decisions. He’s tense and a lot more anxious, his temperament is off. He is less romantic, can’t even think about sex because his mind is on twenty-four-hour churn, trying to figure out how he’s going to hoist his family on his shoulders and carry them through the financial mess in which he’s found himself. Most men want to do what they’re supposed to do and what’s required of them, and the moment they can’t, everything comes to a halt. I’m the first to admit that even now, as the primary breadwinner, I go into a shell if my family is feeling any kind of financial strain, and I don’t pull out of it until I can figure out how we can resolve any setbacks. During these periods, I’m not as talkative, I’m not as romantic, I’m not nearly as caring or attentive. I’m off in the corner with a look on my face that says, “I’ve got something on my mind and it will affect me and how I interact with you until I fix it.”

Now, it’s nice when our women try to console us with the “I love you no matter what and we can get through this” pep talk-we appreciate you and thank you for your support and vowing to be with us ’til the end. In fact, we need that support. But it’s not going to change things-not going to affect in any way our mind-set. The pressure is on us as men, and no matter how much you say you understand and are in our corner, you cannot begin to fathom the pressure on us to produce, particularly in a man’s world. Witness us running into an old friend when we’re financially compromised and you’ll get a little taste of what runs through our mind at a thousand miles per minute: He knew I was the CEO of that company that tanked or that I was working at that plant that closed down a few months ago, and now when he asks me what I’m up to, my answer has to be, “nothing.”And when he asks me about you, I tell him, “It’s all good,” when he knows you must be concerned because things are tight now. A woman’s pep talk, no matter how heartfelt, won’t shake the feelings such an encounter can set off. And so we retreat.