Steve Harvey - Straight Talk, No Chaser - How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

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his friends’ respect.

6.

He gives you a nickname he can’t allow his friends to hear, like Schmoogles. Trust me, he knows full well that as soon as his friends hear that, they’ll know he’s sprung and, though it’s your nickname, that’s what they’ll call

him

every time they see him.

7.

He puts making you happy in front of his own happiness.

8.

He’s seen you without your hair styled and no makeup and still keeps calling.

9.

He’s met your entire family and is still willing to attend the family reunion.

10.

He knows your kids are crazy and ill-mannered but loves you anyway.

11.

He’s seen your mother in action and still thinks you can make it as a couple.

12.

He allows you to meet

his

entire family, realizing this could change everything.

For Ladies Only…

Sometimes, the Breakup Is a Blessing

I know it’s hard when you leave someone you’ve loved; it’s painful, emotional, and leaves a mark on your heart that feels like an open wound. But there’s a blessing in the storm, I promise you. You just have to recognize it and claim it for yourself. All too often, women stay in relationships because they’ve got some serious time invested, even though there is constant fighting, you’ve got very little in common, and you’ve grown in different directions. I know people who are married who don’t even like each other, but still, they hang on. I ask, what are you hanging on to? Know that if you just let go, the chances are that you’ll wake up in peace. The arguing will be gone. So will the fighting. You’ll get to do what you want to do without having to cater to a man who doesn’t appreciate what you’re doing. First, though, you have to remember what you’re breaking up from: if you’ve been cheated on, lied to, abused, left to spend all your time alone, forced to constantly question his whereabouts, then you’re not leaving much. Let go of it and claim your blessing. You may be hurt, alone, and scared of getting back into the dating game, but this is the alone time you need to better position yourself for what the Creator has in mind for you. What He has in mind for you may be just waiting for you to be free and available. The blessing is that you can reinvent yourself-be who you want to be instead of who you had to be in order to make that past relationship work. I can truly attest to the blessings that come when you become open to change. If I had focused on trying to get into acting, I can assure you I wouldn’t have the success I have today. If I just did stand-up, I would have never gotten the Steve Harvey Show . If I stayed on the show, I would have never gotten on the radio. If I had focused on radio, I never would have written the book. If I’d never written the book, I never would have gotten the international acclaim that comes from my book-buying audience. I’m constantly reinventing myself, and you shouldn’t be afraid to reinvent yourself. If you’re getting out of a toxic relationship, the blessing is that he can’t throw you down the steps anymore; if you’re getting out of a relationship in which your man was unfaithful, the blessing is that you don’t have to sit and wonder and worry about who he’s with at night. If you’re getting out of a relationship in which your kids saw you arguing and fighting and mad all the time, the blessing is that the kids don’t have to witness you feeling sad and depressed anymore-they can see you happy again. Look at the positives and “do you.” Get back to the hobbies you liked doing before you got with him. Go out with your girls like you used to before your relationship took precedence. Spend some time getting really clear about what, exactly, it is you want for yourself before you get into another relationship. And when the new you emerges, you’ll be a better you. And the better you attracts what? A better man. And both of these are a blessing.

Asking Men the Right Questions to Get the Real Answers

Iadmit it-simple as we men claim to be, we can be tricky creatures, especially when it comes to women. We are the masters of the okey-doke and will dole out affection in drips and drops and use them as emotional placeholders until we decide in our own minds whether we really want to be with you or we want to move on to the next conquest. We’ll send the sweet text message to get you swooning, but then go for days without calling. We’ll spend the whole of a month wining and dining you and making you feel like there’s some amazing chemistry between us, but then clam up when it comes time to explain what, exactly, our intentions are concerning the relationship. We do this because we can. We can because all too many women let us. All too many women let us because they’re afraid of the alternative-having to start all over again with a new man, or having no man at all.

I wrote both in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and in Chapter 5 (“The Standoff”) of this book that women truly interested in finding the right guy have to get over the fear of losing one, because the moment you lose that fear is the moment guys lose their power over you. A man will disrespect you, put in minimal effort, and hold out on commitment if he thinks he can get away with it, so your job is to not let him get away with it. But this requires heading off the foolishness at the beginning-before a man gets his hooks in you-so that you can make clear-eyed decisions, devoid of emotion, about whether to continue pursuing a relationship with him. So much can be found out about a guy before you get in too deep-if you take the time to ask the right questions. I’m not referring here to the five general questions every woman should ask a man when she’s getting to know him (see the glossary), though asking those questions, as explained in the first book, will help you figure out what a potential mate wants out of life and what he wants out of a relationship with you; learning how to probe his answers will help you get to the very essence of who this man is and whether he has what you’re looking for in a long-lasting relationship.

To do this successfully, though, you’ll have to wrap your head around and understand one basic thing about us men: no matter the question, we will always give you the answer that will make us look the best.

Plain and simple.

I’m willing to wager that in the history of your relationships, you’ve never had a man introduce himself and share with you all his baggage and all his bad habits in the first several dates. You’re an adult; you know full well everyone comes with a history-everyone comes with a backstory and flaws. Yet if every man’s story was as good as the story he reveals about himself, you would have found your Prince Charming by now. Why aren’t you with the perfect man? Why? Because no one is that good.

Knowing that you long to be needed and wanted, however, men prey on those vulnerabilities; we manipulate our answers and the impressions we make so that we appear to be the man who can fulfill all those needs and wants-we sell the Happily Ever After. Tell a guy you’re looking for a man who is capable of commitment, and if he’s truly interested in you, he’ll have no problem telling you he wants exclusivity too. What he’s not going to offer up is that his last relationship didn’t work out because he cheated. Tell a man you’d like to be in a relationship with a guy who is good with kids, and he’s going to regale you with proud stories about how much he loves his nieces and nephews. But he’s probably going to keep to himself the information about his wicked baby mama drama, or the fact that he doesn’t see his kids but once every other month. And I promise you, you’re not going to hear on your first date about a man’s bad credit, his house foreclosure, or that he lived with his mother until five weeks ago; instead, this guy is going to go out of his way to show you his nice watch, his slick suit, and the nice car he barely held on to during his own personal economic crisis.