Steve Harvey - Straight Talk, No Chaser - How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

4. If You’re Staying Because the Money Is Right

Know that you’re selling your happiness to the highest bidder. Let’s say he’s the primary breadwinner-he makes more than you or his half is essential to upholding the lifestyle you’re accustomed to and have come to love. You’re going to take a hit if you leave; you may go from a mansion to an apartment, from a luxury car to a used sedan, from expendable income to a scenario where you’re closer to living paycheck to paycheck. But isn’t that worth your happiness? Can you put a price tag on what your happiness is worth? What’s the cost? Is it worth $36,000 a year? $100,000? $1 million? Are the big house, the two extra cars, and the shopping sprees at the fancy stores worth the misery? You may lose financially if you walk away, but what you gain in happiness, peace of mind, and self-esteem-is priceless.

BE WILLING TO CASH IN YOUR CHIPS

Once you consider all of the preceding, once you think logically about how illogical it is to hold on to a man who refuses to give you what you want, you’re going to have to take that brave step and stop gambling with your life. Because that’s all you’re doing. You’re going from table to table, winning some and losing some, collecting chips before giving them up. This ain’t Vegas, baby. What happens here stays with you for the rest of your life. Getting married is more than just the pretty wedding gown and the flavor of cake you’ll serve, deciding who’ll be in the wedding party and the size of the stone in the ring; a lot of rights come with that piece of paper that says you are legally bound to this man. If something happens to the husband, the job and Social Security will pay benefits to his wife and the children. If he gets sick and medical decisions need to be made at the hospital, a girlfriend doesn’t have any decision-making power (common law exceptions notwithstanding), no matter how long she’s been with her man, no matter how often they talked about what his wishes would be were he ever in the position where life-and-death decisions had to be made. A wife has that power. If a man decides to break up with a woman who’s been in a long-term relationship with him and helped him build his wealth, the ex-girlfriend has no claim on the money they accumulated together, but if she’s got marriage papers, she gets half.

Why would you gamble with your life like that? Something could happen next month, and you’d have nothing to show for all of the work you put in. Trust me: he’s got plenty-he’s got you, he’s got sex, he’s got emotional support, he’s got your loyalty, and he’s still got his freedom to leave whenever he wants with very few repercussions. Shouldn’t you have what you want too? If you want him to commit, he has to know that you will cash the chips in-that you will leave. Otherwise, again, most men will not voluntarily head to the altar. You can tell your children all day, “If you don’t do this, that, and the other, you’re going to be in big trouble,” but until you show them what will happen to them if they don’t listen, they will keep testing you. Hate to compare men to children but let’s keep it real.

Don’t let men do that to you; take your chips up to the window and cash them in. Let him know that the consequence of not giving you what you want is he’ll be left alone-without you. Men absolutely will not do anything without a reason, and the reason we do most things is so that we can get the attention of the opposite sex. It’s a core tenet of manhood. We go to school because we know that if we go to college, there will be girls there. We go to college and get a degree so we can get a good-paying job so we can flash our money around to attract women. We want to be the star in the football game and say we’re the quarterback because young women will love the letter jacket. Little boys run faster, climb higher, and jump longer when they know a girl is watching. They will knock themselves out if a girl is looking, honest to goodness. My family and I went on vacation recently and my son Wynton was at the beach with his sister Lori. When two Brazilian girls hopped in the water, he started doing underwater headstands. I had to run and go get my son because he was damn near drowning himself-choking and coughing and clawing at his face after salt got into his eyes-all because he was showing off for these girls. A few weeks later, he almost knocked me out when he came running down the stairs wearing an entire can of TAG body spray after he saw a commercial showing ten girls jumping all over this guy who was wearing it. He did those crazy things for a reason: because he wanted to capture the attention and heart of the opposite sex.

This doesn’t change when men get older: we do things to impress you, and we listen to and abide by your rules and requirements if the consequences of not doing so mean we’re going to lose you. My buddy’s grandmother once said to me that the finest woman in the world is your ex on the arm of another man. And, buddy, let me tell you what we can’t stand to see: the woman we’ve been intimate with, lived with, built a future with, dreamed about a better day with, on the arm of another man. We can’t take that.

Sure, there’s a chance that when you make that ultimatum-when you demand that commitment-he’ll move on. Let. Him. Go. If he was willing to walk away from what you had to offer, he was a noncontender anyway. Sure, you invested time in this guy, sure you love him, sure you want to be with him. But you also want what you want, and you have the right to want that commitment from him-you have the right to stand firm on this.

Just like men don’t change, women don’t either-and that’s okay. If you want it at twenty-five, you’re going to want it at thirty-five. What’s not so okay is compromising your requirements to justify having a relationship with a man who won’t give you what you ultimately want; settling is compromising. What’s not okay is burying your want and need for security, protection, respect, and support. Yielding and bending to his will-pushing aside what you want-is compromising. And when you compromise who you are for a man, there’s no way you can find a deep, long-lasting happiness. If you’re not happy, you’re not loving him the way he needs to be loved-you’re not supporting him, you’re not loyal to him, and you’re less willing to give him the cookie. And if he’s not getting those three things, the relationship gets more dysfunctional and less pleasant until one of you finally leaves.

I’m not asking you to change for him. I’m telling you to understand his thought process, set your requirements, and stand firm on them so that you can get what you want: commitment. And if he can’t give that to you-if he refuses-cut your losses. Push those chips up to the window and tell him you’re not gambling with your life anymore.

He may move on. But if he has searched his heart and loves you, he’ll stay.

Either way, long term, you win.

The bottom line is that the world is full of men who are willing and able to commit. Get your house in order, put your standards and requirements to use, exercise your power in your relationships, and be willing to walk away. I’m not saying this journey will be easy or quick. But it’ll be well worth it.

Twelve Ways to Tell If Your Man Is Ready to Commit

1.

He takes you to his place of worship.

2.

He thinks about you when you’re away and still thinks about you when you’re near.

3.

He changes all his phone numbers so that none of his old flames can contact him anymore.

4.

He allows you to help pick out his wardrobe.

5.

Any man who wears matching outfits is totally committed because he has lost