The Captain - Fucking History - 52 Lessons You Should Have Learned in School

Now, going back to what I said earlier about not all attention being good attention, this is perfectly exemplified with groups of girls at bars and clubs around the world. Think about it, when you’re out with your girlfriends, sometimes you just want to be left alone to have a good time. You don’t want the attention of hovering, drunk bar flies (also known as “horny dudes”). But, like the pharaohs, cunning women have found a way to divert the bar bugs away from themselves and onto somebody else — usually one of their friends.

Allow me to illustrate an example using our friend Megan. For this story, we’ll say Megan is the pharaoh of her girl squad. And, like a pharaoh, she’s rather full of herself. But instead of glazing her friends in honey like a Christmas ham, Megan tells her friends certain outfits look really "cute” even though it’s obvious Jenna and Stephanie are going to attract A LOT of undesired attention. So, while her friends are getting swarmed by polo shirts with ill-fated pickup lines, Megan is free to relax in the corner — looking like fucking royalty among a sea of friends with bad fashion sense and horrible taste in men. Well played, Megan… kind of fucked up, but still well played.

Well, now you have a sweet Egyptian honey fact to share on your next coffee date so you can appear more interesting. (Even though you’re fresh off a nine-day Netflix bender and have completely forgotten how to participate in society.)

Life is all about knowing when to accept reality, throw in the towel, and move on. Grudges, relationships, hard feelings — if something’s toxic, acknowledge it, fucking drop it, and get on with your life. Don’t be that sad, pathetic loser who can’t get over things and is continually obsessing over what once was or could have been. Don’t live your life in “maintenance mode.”

What is maintenance mode? Maintenance mode is when someone falsely maintains hope of getting back together or getting even instead of getting over things. People do this all the fucking time. You know why your ex- boyfriend won’t give your stuff back? He’s in maintenance mode. Rather than accepting the reality that the relationship is fucking done, he’s trying to “maintain” just enough contact to hopefully get back with you someday. Guys, this is the same reason your ex-girlfriend won’t give you the results to last month’s paternity test: She wants to maintain contact with you. Why do people do this to themselves? Just give your ex-girlfriend back her fucking crossbow and get on with things. Don’t be like King Ludwig of 19th-century Bavaria, the dude simply didn’t know when to call it quits and move the fuck on. And, he ended up destroying his life — losing his throne, his castle, and even the woman he was obsessing over.

In 1847, Ludwig met a stage dancer by the name of Lola Montez. Sure, she was pretty, but she was also an absolute fucking wreck with a history of dragging dudes along for the ride. Despite Lola’s warning signs and tumultuous past, King Ludwig gave her a royal home, a royal salary, and even a royal title. Feeling entitled by all that Ludwig had bestowed upon her, Lola began to overstep her bounds, abuse her title, and shake shit up in all the wrong ways — pissing off the nobles, the royal family, and even the townsfolk — but Ludwig still kept her around. He couldn’t move on, he was too fucking obsessed with her.

And, in 1848, just a year after meeting her, the lords of Bavaria forced King Ludwig to step down from his royal throne. If he wasn’t going to get rid of Lola, they were going to get rid of him. And, they did. Then, Lola got rid of him as well. (Because nobody wants to date a has-been.) In the end, Ludwig lost it all by simply not knowing when to throw in the towel and move on to a healthier relationship.

Don’t be a fucking dud. Don’t hang on too long like King Lud.

S-E-X. You know, knocking boots, tappin’ ass, answering the bone phone — whatever you choose to call it, no topic in society is discussed as often as sex. As humans, we’re simply obsessed with it. So, naturally, sexual innuendos have found their way into pretty much every aspect of life over the years. Albeit, some of these innuendos were made far more obvious than others.

For example, single girls in 19th-century Finland would attend parties wearing an empty sword or dagger sheath around their waist. The single men in attendance, well, they’d slip their sword into the sheath of whichever girl they were interested in “getting to know.” The girl could then decide to either remove the sword and return it to the potential suitor, or let the sword stay and allow the man to take an actual stab at her. Oh, and they were also now engaged. Yeah, engaged. A sword in the sheath was a marriage proposal. How fucking lame of a proposal is that? Imagine going to a bar as a single female nowadays if this same dating ritual were practiced today; there is absolutely no fucking way you’d leave without a fiancé.

Your mom would be like, “So how did you guys meet?” And your answer, “Silly story, Mom. So I got drunk at a bar and I thought I was carrying the sword of this tall, handsome doctor I was talking to earlier in the night. So I didn’t return it, but, yeah, it wasn’t. So now, Kyle and I are engaged — surprise!” And then your dad would be like, “Goddamnit, Lindsey.” And you’d be married to some piece-of-shit wannabe DJ for the rest of your life. Terrible, just terrible.

Now, aren’t you glad guys at bars are only trying to poke you with their dicks instead of actual swords? The latter sounds pretty fucking dangerous.

Making an entrance is fucking important. Trust me, there’s a reason people continually stress the fact that you only get ONE first impression. Pretty much any time you decide to turn off Netflix and actually go interact with other humans is an opportunity to make a good one. You remember what humans are, right? Of course you do — you’ve seen them on Netflix.

Anyway, do you want to know who the literal queen of making an entrance was? None other than Cleo-Motherfucking-Patra. Yeah, she didn’t just master winged eyeliner; she mastered pretty much every aspect of sensory seduction. And there’s nothing more seductive or memorable than the sense of smell. For example: It’s not the sight of a particular alcohol that will make you remember every aspect of your treacherous twenties — it’s the smell. Cleopatra knew the nose knows long before scientists were running tests about scent recollection. So, before she set out on a diplomatic voyage in 41 B.C. to meet the Roman general, Mark Antony, she made damn sure his nose met her well before he did.

How did she do this? Well, in order to ensure she made the best first impression possible, Cleopatra had her ships adorned with beautiful, purple sails that were absolutely fucking soaked in her favorite perfume prior to taking sail. Thus, the same winds that would carry her boats to Rome, would also carry the scent of her perfume to the shore before her own arrival. Goddamn, say what you want about Cleopatra being a crazy snake lady, but she basically invented the art of arriving fashionably late. I mean, when your scent gets there before you do, you’re setting quite the stage for yourself.