Джером Джером: Лучшие смешные рассказы / Best Funny Stories

We make believe about quite serious things. In war, each country’s soldiers are always the most courageous in the world. The other country’s soldiers are always treacherous and sly; that is why they sometimes win. Literature is the art of make-believe.

“Now all of you sit round and throw your pennies in the cap,” says the author, “and I will pretend that there lives in Bayswater [38] Bayswater – Бейсуотер a young lady named Angelina, [39] Angelina – Анжелина who is the most beautiful young lady that ever existed. And in Notting Hill, [40] Notting Hill – Ноттинг-Хилл we will pretend, there lives a young man named Edwin, [41] Edwin – Эдвин who is in love with Angelina.”

And then, if there are some pennies in the cap, the author pretends that Angelina thought this and said that, and that Edwin did all sorts of wonderful things. We know he is making it all up. [42] is making it all up – измышляет всё это We know he is making up just to please us. But we know well enough that if we stop to throw the pennies into the cap, the author can do another things.

The manager bangs his drum.

“Come here! come here!” he cries, “we are going to pretend that Mrs. Johnson [43] Mrs. Johnson – миссис Джонсон is a princess, and old man Johnson is going to pretend to be a pirate. Come here, come here, and be in time!”

So Mrs. Johnson, pretending to be a princess, comes out of a paper house that we agree to pretend is a castle; and old man Johnson, pretending to be a pirate, is swimming in the thing we agree to pretend is the ocean. Mrs. Johnson pretends to be in love with him, but we know she is not. And Johnson pretends to be a very terrible person; and Mrs. Johnson pretends, till eleven o’clock, to believe it. And we pay money to sit for two hours and listen to them.

But as I explained at the beginning, my friend is a mad person.

1. Выберите правильный вариант:

1. We make believe about quite serious things.

2. We make believe about quite stupid things.

3. We make believe about quite incredible things.

4. We make believe about quite common things.

ОТВЕТ: We make believe about quite serious things.

2. Where does a young man, who is in love with Angelina, live?

1. in Bayswater

2. in Dover

3. in London

4. in Notting Hill

ОТВЕТ: in Notting Hill

3. Who is the Prince of Wales?

1. It is a title granted to princes lived in Wales.

2. It is a title granted to princes born in England.

3. It is a title granted to princes married in Wales.

4. It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.

ОТВЕТ: It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.

4. How many cigars did a Customs House official find?

1. 35 cigars

2. 48 cigars

3. 24 cigars

4. 53 cigars

ОТВЕТ: 48 cigars

5. “Jovial” is NOT…

1. amiable

2. festive

3. angry

4. good-natured

ОТВЕТ: angry

6. What does it mean “to save time”?

1. to have extra time

2. to do useless things

3. to have a good time

4. to sleep

ОТВЕТ: to have extra time

7. Выберите правильный вариант:

1. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to hell.

2. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.

3. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to London.

4. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to Scotland.

ОТВЕТ: When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.

8. What is Mrs. Johnson’s paper house?

1. a hut

2. a car

3. a bathroom

4. a castle

ОТВЕТ: a castle

9. Who must be a people of wonderful self-control?

1. English

2. French

3. German

4. Scottish

ОТВЕТ: English

10. Выберите нужный глагол:

She must __________ for the stage.

1. dance

2. gain

3. go

4. train

ОТВЕТ: She must train for the stage.

11. Выберите нужные глаголы:

Our host’s wine – — always the best we – — ever tasted.

1. was, will

2. is, have

3. is, are

4. has, have

ОТВЕТ: Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted.

12. Выберите нужный предлог:

Any society is founded _________ the make-believe that everybody is charming.

1. on

2. in

3. at

4. after

ОТВЕТ: Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming.

13. Ответьте на вопросы:

1. How many actors are mentioned in the story?

2. What are their names?

3. What have you learned about make-believe?

4. What do you like and what don’t you like in Miss Screecher?

5. What would you do if you were Mrs. Johnson?

6. What is the end of the story?

7. How can you explain the title of the story?

8. Retell the story.

14. Заполните таблицу:

ОТВЕТ:

The advantage of the foreigner is following: he is born good. He does not have to try to be good, as we, the Englishmen, do. He does not have to start the New Year with the decision to be good, and succeed till the middle of January. He is just good all the year round. When they tell a foreigner to mount or descend from a tram [44] to mount or descend from a tram – входить или выходить из трамвая from the right side, he will never try to descend that tram from the left side.

In Brussels [45] Brussels – Брюссель once I saw a lawless foreigner who was trying to enter a tram from the wrong side. The door was open: he was standing close beside it. A line of traffic was in his way, so he just entered when the conductor was not looking, and took his seat. The astonishment of the conductor was immense. How did he get there?

The conductor was watching the proper entrance, and the man had not passed him. Later, the true explanation came to the conductor, but he hesitated to accuse that man of such crime.

Anyway, the conductor appealed to the passenger himself. Was his presence a miracle or a sin? The passenger confessed. The conductor requested him to leave the tram immediately. The passenger refused to do so, a halt was called, [46] a halt was called – была объявлена остановка and the police arrived. As usual, they appeared from the ground. [47] from the ground – из-под земли At first the sergeant did not believe the conductor’s statement. Myself, in the passenger’s case, [48] in the passenger’s case – на месте пассажира I would lie. But he was proud, or stupid – one of the two, and he told the truth. The police said that he had to descend immediately and wait for the next tram. Other policemen were arriving from every corner: nowhere to run. The passenger decided get down. He walked to the proper door, but that was not correct. He had mounted the wrong side, he must descend on the wrong side, too. After that the conductor told a sermon from the centre of the tram on the danger of going from the wrong side.