Olya Mancuso - Dared To Survive

Proofreader Lennon Gail

© Olya Mancuso, 2018

ISBN 978-5-4490-9748-4

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

A SHOCKING and HARROWING

Memoir

A true story of abuse, neglect, and survival against the odds

Dared to survive

Copyright

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced by any process. No part of this publication may be stored in retrieval system, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Promise that you will turn all your misery into something positive…

For you, Dad,

This is the last part of my promise.

To the memory of the life of my loving, beloved Dad, Sam Rotshtein: You are my true love and inspiration. And to that of my unborn, murdered by my mother and my first husband’s mother son, Charles, who became the purpose of my existence even in death, I have never forgotten you.

To my precious children, Daniel, Kristina, and Jane: You have given me the miracle of belonging, a real family, and unconditional love, all that I was deprived of but searched for throughout my whole life. To you, Igor, thank you for raising my fatherless children and being there for me in good times and in bad.

To you Tony: You saved my life many times. This book would not be finished if it weren’t for you and Igor. You both picked me up when the world turned its back on me, when others destroyed me. And you were there to lift me up again, so I could recover and live.

So, my story has survived. Now it will reach those millions like me.

I am dedicating this book to ALL SURVIVORS of childhood trauma and abuse, and to those who might not be alive to tell their story

To begin, I would like to thank God, my closest friend, Olga Karlova, and my family for giving me the courage, the encouragement and the strength to write this book. You have helped me to feel the powerful purpose, energy, and desire to dare to put myself, my family and my life out there in front of millions of people. Thank you all for believing in me when I did not believe in myself, and for encouraging me to stay on the path and for caring for me as much as you did. You all have been an inspiration for me and an amazing source of peace and serenity. You have granted me the wish to write with total freedom using my own voice. I am so thankful to have you all in my life because you have been a positive influence on my achievements. After almost four decades, I finally found the courage to tell my story. Many times, I was tempted to give up on this book. Writing my story meant reliving the most painful and dreadful times of my life. I was not sure if I was able to handle it. I have trained myself to leave the past in the past and not to bring up the horrifying memories that I have tried so hard to forget for decades. This is not just my autobiography and journey but the message I have felt compelled to bring to others about child abuse. I want to break the silence and help others.

Child abuse is a hidden epidemic. More than five children a day somewhere in the world die from abuse. More than bruises are left behind. A tear drop speaks a thousand words. How many children suffer in silence? How many die each day? How many of them cry out and no one hears them? How many adults will turn away? Child abuse is the world’s greatest, silent crime.

People ask how a mother can abuse a child. I ask how so many people cannot do anything about it? Everyone’s childhood should be a bright, happy time of love, laughter, and joy. However, thousands of abused children are living in a dark existence… What if we continue to stay silent?

I knew that, in this book, the truth must be told. I am not afraid to take this chance – even if some would not believe me, even if some will slander and judge me. I know that anyone reading this book who has been abused as a child will understand how brave I am to break the silence and publish it.

One of the things I love about getting this book published is that it reminds me of how important it is to follow your dreams, despite what others will think. When I finished this book, it became so clear to me that I had not just helped myself by telling the world what had happened to me. I had helped other people too. I know many have been silenced just like me. It is my hope that these silent sufferers will now take strength. I hope they will speak out and have their voices heard.

As you read my story, I hope that you will realise that, just because survivors have scars, just because we sometimes find it hard to function in many aspects of life, it does not mean we are weak. We have already been through more than most people can ever imagine and we have stayed strong and we still fight every single day of our existence. It is an endless battle, but I am proud of myself to still be standing and I hope that other victims feel the same way.

Experiencing any form of childhood trauma and abuse can impact on an adult’s quality of life in fundamental ways. It can make basic day-to-day activities, such as eating, sleeping, working and study difficult. Trauma and abuse in childhood can also affect your mental health, physical health, and your relationships with the people around you. Like everyone, survivors have a right to a life worth living, but instead survivors often live with chronic distress and pain. For many survivors, these emotions are so much a part of their day-to-day life that they don’t realise that there are alternatives. Unable to readily regulate their emotions they may seek to do so through alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, or other compulsive behaviours. Many survivors also harm themselves out of a sense of despair. All of these ’coping strategies’ make sense in the context of childhood trauma and abuse. Survivors often find it difficult to trust others. As children we have been tortured and betrayed by the very adults who were meant to love, nurture and protect us. As a result, we often find it difficult to form and sustain relationships. When children are abused they come to believe the messages their abusers deliver, such as: «You are worthless,» and «You have no value’. Of course, these messages are not true, but children accept and internalise them. These messages become ingrained that, when a child who has been abused or traumatised grows up, the adult survivor will often experience feelings of low self-worth or poor self-confidence. Surviving evil is hard, but possible. Evil must be named and unspeakable must be spoken. Doing so is enormously frightening but despite what your abusers would have you believe, hold on to the faith that each of us has within us something adorable, beautiful, special and unique. We glow with the spirit of beauty. All we must do is believe in ourselves and doing our best in searching for JUSTICE and freedom. Even in the face of pain and hopelessness have faith that, everything that is best in life comes at the price of the greatest suffering.