O.A. - Ruby

About two weeks later (before the damn bedsores appeared which somehow arose despite my efforts to stretch her legs and arms and massage her, for which I had the skills) her stool appeared normal and her ability to speak began to return as a bonus.

Once, to my question: “Grandma Dusya, how are you doing today?” she was able to answer: “As white as soot”, but the improvements were like waves, coming and going.

I don’t even know exactly what I was experiencing all the time I was taking care of her. I think it was some kind of mixture of pity, sympathy and understanding. I thought I understood what her gaze was trying to communicate and I also had thoughts of helping her end it all, but these remained only thoughts.

All the time that I was caring for grandmother Dusya, my psyche reacted very strangely. I imagined myself as an actor in some sitcom and treated what was happening as if it was an inadmissible irony as I understand now.

In the end, naturally, a miracle did not happen and she died. Long tormented and unwittingly tormenting all of the people close to her.

I believe it was a terrible, heavy death. Therefore, Amir’s father was lucky and the fact that it happened unexpectedly was also fortunate, for Amir as well. Death is not easy in any way, but the levels of its severity are also different. It can come crashing down on you, crush you, steamroll you into a pancake or completely wipe you out and leave nothing at all that was once you. I believe that it all just depends on the factors of time and surprise.

Then again, maybe I really don’t think so, and my thoughts are caused by the irritation that Amir’s father had a stroke on a weekday, when I need to get some sleep before the next working day, and not on a weekend, when I don’t have to set the alarm.

I hope I’m not a bad person.

Part 2

When I got home from work, Cam and Sopha were already in the kitchen.

“Looks like I had a nervous breakdown. In five minutes we’ll meet at the same place.” I said loudly and, taking off my shoes, went into my room.

After washing with cold water, going to the toilet and changing into pajama pants and my favorite T-shirt with an image of Daria 7 7 Daria Morgendorffer is the main character in Daria and a minor character in Beavis and Butthead. , I kind of calmed down a little and went into the kitchen.

“I have had too little time to orient myself after your words.” Camilla put a plate of scrambled eggs and tomatoes on the table.

“So, we are ready to listen, tell us, what happened?” Sophia moved to the windowsill, placing a cup of either coffee or cocoa next to her.

“I yelled at a colleague today because he, passing by and seeing my thoughtful look, asked: ‘What? Dreaming about girls?’ Girls… With that question he opened such a Pandora’s Box… All I remember is that I was yelling at him. I remember some kind of uncontrollable blind rage, but I have absolutely no memory of what I was shouting at him.” I took a deep breath. “I hope I didn’t tell him to fuck off… although that cannot be excluded.”

“So you were outraged by the question about girls?” Sophia took a sip from the mug.

“Yes. Why girls? Now I understand how inadequate my reaction was. Such behavior is not typical for me at all.”

“Are you still taking the medication? Exactly in the doses as agreed with the doctor?” Cam asked.

“Yes, Yes, Yes!” for a split second, rage flashed in my chest again. “I take these fucking pills all the time and they have a lot of damn side effects. I don’t understand why they don’t help me. Maybe I’m not bipolar at all, but just suffering some kind of psychosis, and they are not treating me for what I am sick with. And when they finally understand this, it will be too late.”

“Listen, you’ve been taking them relatively recently,” Sopha began, “it should take some time, the body needs to get used to them. And most likely, these drugs have a cumulative effect of course for them to start working. It takes time before they accumulate in the right amounts in your body. You are worrying too much.”

“You’re just a veterinarian, not a doctor! How would you know?” Sophia’s last phrase blew away my remaining nerve cells. I even felt a throbbing behind my eyeballs from the rage that consumed me. “I’m worrying too much? That is, I’m making everything up? I’m just getting myself wound up? It’s not really that bad?”

During the last three questions, tears were already flowing from my eyes and mucus from my nose. I covered my face with my hands and burst into tears. I caught myself thinking that when I entered the kitchen, I seemed to be watching myself from the sidelines.

Could it really be me?

So… You need to drive away such thoughts.

Drive-drive-drive them away from yourself.

“Excuse me,” I squeezed out through sobs. “I am very ashamed of all of this.”

“It’s okay,” Camilla hugged me from behind. “You know that we are close and we love you.”

“Sopha, I’m sorry, please excuse me,” I continued, feeling guilty.

“Never mind sunshine. I understand everything perfectly.” Sophia took another sip from the mug.

What is she drinking?

“How are you doing with Herman?”

“You know… Everything seems to be fine. Herman is a very, very good person. Kind, and a little weird. I don’t know. I mean in the sense that I haven’t had SUCH guys before. He is very gentle and courteous. We slept together. I mean really just slept. We both lay down next to each other and fell asleep. He didn’t even hint about sex in any way, not that I’m against that. It feels like he is either from an extinct breed of gentlemen or is still a virgin. He kisses me gently on the lips when we meet and before going to bed but he hasn’t even tried to put his tongue in my mouth. He’s like a big bobblehead. On the one hand, everything suits me but on the other hand… I don’t understand what is going on in his head. I like it but it does cause a little, just a little, strain because I don’t quite understand how to behave around him… sometimes.”

During all the time that we have lived together, Sophia has had serious relationships only twice. The first time was with a nice lawyer who went to Canada for a couple of months, and in the end stayed there. The second time was with a fitness trainer, who was also a psychologist but in the relationship the psychologist was just Sopha. They broke up due to the fact that, having received a marriage proposal from him, Sophia voiced an alternative: if after ten years of living together they were still together, then she would most likely agree, because for her marriage is a jump into the abyss of the unknown, with a parachute that may or may not open.

Well, as for me, both the lawyer and the psychologist were unworthy assholes. That’s probably because I could not imagine myself with them, but I can imagine myself with Herman. Therefore, I think that he is a really good choice.

The evening, which began with hysteria, smoothly spilled over into emotional conversations and shared memories.

“Cam, can you do a reading for me?”

Not that I really wanted to know what was in store for me. Rather, I was even afraid of that. I just wanted to please my friend.

“I thought you would never ask.” Camilla burst out enthusiastically. “What card layout do you want? A Celtic Cross, a Horseshoe or…”

“The one that is the simplest and the fastest.” I interrupted.

“Give me a couple of minutes.” Cam went to get the deck.

“So then, I am going to sleep. Don’t stay up too late.” Sophia got up from the table.

“Okay, Mom. Goodnight.”