Роберт Паркер - Love and Glory

“But do you respect me,” I said.

She smiled. “I respect you like hell,” she said.

“Do you remember the circumstances when we saw Nichols and May?”

“Yes,” Jennifer said. “You were on your first leave from basic training and I met you in New York. You didn’t even have civilian clothes.”

“In a way it’s like thinking about other people,” I said, “like thinking about our children. We slept together in the same room at the Biltmore and we didn’t have sex.

“You thought it would be ignoble,” Jennifer said. “I was afraid I’d get pregnant.”

“What do you think I have to do to make this journal into literature?”

“It’s hermetic,” Jennifer said. “It is entirely internal. It might have all taken place in a cave as far as connecting with the larger world is concerned.”

“Yes. It’s just you and me.”

“No. It’s just you, I’m in there only as I impinge on you. There needs to be more. Not necessarily more of me. More of life. More landscape. More chronical.”

I nodded.

“The way you are is not common, but it must be human. I’d like to see us connect it some way to other human experiences, so that a person reading it could say, ‘Yes, yes, that’s right.’ ”

“You seem to be suggesting a lot of work,” I said.

“Yes,” Jennifer said, “a lot. But it’s not more work than we can do.”

“There isn’t anything that is more than we could do.”

“I know.”

“You make me better than I could be alone. I am more than my own sum, with you.”

“I know, Boonie. You have done that for me. I am much more than I could have been if you hadn’t come back.”

“That’s not my doing,” I said. “That’s yours.”

“I deserve credit,” Jennifer said. “I’ve become almost a whole other person, and I’m proud to have done it. I had gone back to school before you returned. But once you returned you embodied possibility.”

“Lazarus,” I said.

“Yes. Rebirth was possible. And more, you were someone who would always approve of... no, that’s wrong. You wouldn’t always approve. And you shouldn’t. That’s nursery-school gobbledygook. You were someone who was absolute. You were certainty. Approve or disapprove, you were irrevocably mine. Whatever I did would not change you; the world would not change you.”

“You were right,” I said.

“Yes. I know. I always knew. Even when I married John I knew that he wasn’t the one I could count on. You were. It made life more possible. It was a certainty. As I grew older I found there were no other certainties.”

“So how come you married John?” We were in the midst of the afternoon. Students wandered up and down the corridor outside my office door, keeping appointments with professors, keening over grades, and puzzling over comments in the margins. From the main office there was the sound of typewriters and the mimeograph machine and the photocopy machine. But in my office the silence seemed to spiral back down a dwindling quarter-century as I asked, out loud, for the first time, the question to whose drumbeat I had stepped since 1954.

“You wanted all of me, Boonie. Not just to love me, to own me. To possess me, to own my soul, to own all of me. I don’t think I quite knew it then. But now I do, and one way that I do is because now you love me. Just love me. Don’t wish to hold me in vile duress. Now you can trust me, and so now I can trust you.”

“You’ve made me whole,” I said.

She shook her head. “The commitment made you whole. Even if we were never to be lovers you’d be whole.”

“Ever wilt thou love,” I said. “And she be fair.”

She nodded. “Something like that.”

“But if we were never lovers, I wouldn’t be happy,” I said. “I would always want to be.”

“But you’d be whole.”

I nodded.

Jennifer’s face was steady on mine. I listened to the sound of my breath going in and out. I heard myself swallow once.

“Nineteen fifty-four was too early,” Jennifer said. “Neither of us was whole then.” I could feel myself rocking slightly in my chair, volitionless, thick with silence, faintly dizzy. Jennifer got up and went to the office door and closed it and turned and looked at me and said, “Now we are.”

I stood. The sound of my breath quivered in the crystalline space between us. Jennifer stood with her back against the door, her palms flat against the door on each side of her hips. The smell of her perfume was enveloping.

“I didn’t know I was going to say that today,” she said.

I didn’t move.

“Do you want me?” she said.

I nodded.

“Do you want me to leave John and live with you?”

I nodded.

“And when I divorce him do you want to marry me?”

Nod.

“I think you should kiss me now,” Jennifer said.

I put my hand on my desk and held myself steady. My breath was short. I was breathing through my mouth and each exhalation made a little huff . I tightened my grip on the edge of the desk and felt the muscles in my forearm clench. My eyes were full of tears.

Jennifer made a small nod with her head and stepped to me and put her arms around me and kissed me on the mouth and I felt myself unclench, and my spirit burgeoned, spread throughout me and mingled with her perfume and her heat and the weakness was gone and I pressed her against me with the unbestowed strength of a silent quarter-century feeling her press back and feeling my soul begin at last to romp with hers in newly created pastures where eternity shimmered before us and time, just begun, was ours forever.

... with my body I thee worship, with all my worldly goods I thee endow.