Stefan Golaszewski - Sex with a Stranger

Blackout .

Empty stage apart from a shirt that’s the same as the one ADAM ’s been wearing throughout the play, still in its packet from the shop, unopened . ADAM comes on topless. He picks up the shirt, opens it and puts it on. It’s creased from being folded in its packet .

ADAM ( calling offstage ). It’s creased!

No response. He tuts and harrumphs. He looks at himself in an invisible mirror. He tuts .

What am I gonna do?

He looks in the mirror. No response. He takes it off .

Ruth, it’s really creased!

He goes offstage .

( Offstage .) Ruth!

Blackout .

They’re in the cab. The car radio plays in the front. She’s leaning forward, speaking to the invisible cabbie .

GRACE. It’s just past Homebase.

She sits back with ADAM.

I love cabs. It makes me feel like I’m famous.

ADAM. I think you’ll be famous one day.

GRACE ( pleased ). Do you?

ADAM. Yeah. Of course.

GRACE. I don’t know…

ADAM. Of course you will.

GRACE. Tut. I dunno.

A beat .

I wouldn’t want to be too famous.

ADAM. No.

Long silence, just sat there looking out of their windows, the radio playing in the front .

GRACE. Such a crazy night.

ADAM. Yeah.

A beat .

GRACE. I had a real chilled day – really nice – just sitting round and vegging out – spoke to my mum, which was nice—

ADAM. Oh. Nice.

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. She okay?

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. Good.

GRACE. Just a really chilled day. Nice to have a bit of downtime isn’t it.

ADAM. Definitely.

Long silence. Car radio. They just sit there. He scratches his hand. He offers her some chewing gum .

GRACE. Thanks.

She takes one and sits there chewing. Silence. Car radio .

And so cool. Getting a cab.

ADAM. Yes!

GRACE. I usually walk!

ADAM. Do you?

GRACE. Yeah. God… This is the life! Jesus… Hilarious…

He smiles for her. Long silence. Car radio in the front. She looks at him and feels the bottom of his shirt .

This is nice.

ADAM. Thanks.

GRACE. Where d’you get it?

ADAM. Can’t remember.

GRACE. It’s nice.

ADAM. Thanks.

A beat .

GRACE ( about the cabbie ). We should make out. Give him something to look at.

She laughs. He laughs for her. They just sit there, looking out of separate windows, chewing .

Blackout .

Outside GRACE ’s front door . GRACE is trying to find her keys in her bag .

ADAM. It’s a lovely house.

GRACE. It’s from the sixties.

ADAM. Very nice.

GRACE. Sorry – they’re definitely in here.

ADAM. It’s fine.

She looks. He’s trying to be patient. He points .

They’re nice .

GRACE. The lady upstairs does them.

ADAM. Oh. Nice.

GRACE. She’s a bit of a bitch but she’s cool. ( Signalling around them .) She looks after the garden as well.

ADAM. Nice.

A beat .

They’re not in your pocket are they?

GRACE ( not checking ). No.

She looks in her bag. As she does so—

I’ll just have to go in first and check my bedroom’s cool.

ADAM. Cool.

She looks for her keys. We can sense his despair .

So who mows the grass? Does the lady upstairs do that as well?

She ignores him. She looks in her bag. She then stops and looks up at him .

GRACE. Have you got condoms?

ADAM. Yeah.

GRACE. I’ve run out.

ADAM. I’ve got three.

GRACE. Cool.

She looks in her bag .

Blackout .

Empty stage. A beat. A young woman , RUTH, walks from stage left across the stage carrying an iron in silence. She exits stage right .

Blackout .

The club. Music so loud they have to shout above it. We can just about hear them. They can just about hear each other. Big smiles from them both throughout .

ADAM. Come outside!

GRACE ( giggling ). What?!

ADAM. Come outside!

GRACE. What for?!

ADAM. Come outside with me!

GRACE ( giggling ). Why?!

ADAM. I’ve got something I wanna show you!

GRACE. What?!

ADAM. Just come outside and you’ll see!

GRACE. What?!

ADAM. I’ve got something I want to show you!

Blackout .

GRACE ’s flat . GRACE and ADAM are hushedly, hysterically laughing, bent double, trying not to make any noise. They shush each other, which only makes them laugh more. They laugh and laugh and shush and shush .

Blackout .

GRACE ’s flat. The hallway. They’re still hysterical, giggling but having to hush themselves. They speak in whispers through their laughter .

ADAM. Are you gonna tell him?

GRACE. I don’t know! I might have to…

ADAM. Grace!

She laughs even more .

Blackout .

GRACE ’s flat again. They’re still laughing and whispering through the hysterics .

ADAM. You should’ve told me it was there!

GRACE. I didn’t expect you to—

ADAM. Shsh!

GRACE. I didn’t expect you to tread on it!

ADAM ( loud ). It was a mistake!

She shushes him. They laugh again .

Don’t you shush me!

He grabs her .

Blackout .

Outside the club. Music comes from inside the club. He snogs her cold, hard, up against a wall .

Blackout .

Silence and empty stage .

RUTH comes on with an ironing board. She unfolds its legs, having trouble making them remain up – she doesn’t quite know how the thing works. She leaves again, returns with the iron and plugs it in, allowing it to heat up. She then leaves to get ADAM ’s creased shirt, places the creased shirt on an ironing board and irons it in silence. She irons it perfectly, carefully and completely. It’s ironed in real time, as long as it takes. The only sound is the sound of the iron. She lifts the shirt and looks at it, finished .

Blackout .

GRACE ’s kitchen. A CD plays quietly .

GRACE. Shall we have a drink?

ADAM. Erm. I don’t know. Are you having one?

GRACE. I don’t mind. D’you want one?

ADAM. Yeah. If you do. ( At something by her .) That’s nice.

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. For your keys?

GRACE. Yeah.

ADAM. Yeah. Good idea.

GRACE. Yeah.

A beat .

So what d’you fancy?

ADAM. What have you got?

GRACE. God… Lots of things. Pretty much everything I think. Most of it’s my flatmate’s but he won’t know. What d’you think?

ADAM. I don’t mind. I’ll have whatever you’re having.

GRACE. Something alcoholic? Non-alcoholic?

ADAM. Erm… Alcoholic? I don’t mind really.

GRACE. Okay. God. Look at it all. We could stay up all night drinking couldn’t we?

ADAM. Yeah…!

She laughs. He laughs along .

GRACE. Couldn’t we though!

ADAM. Yeah!

GRACE. I’d love to do that. Have you ever done that?

ADAM. Yeah. Once or twice.

GRACE ( with an edge ). Who with?

ADAM ( the tiniest hesitation ). Friends.

GRACE. Oh my God. Abi’s done that. Funny… So funny. God… I can’t wait to tell her…!

ADAM. Yes!

A beat .

GRACE. So what d’you fancy?

ADAM. Erm—

Blackout .

They both have non-matching shot glasses she’s poured tequila in .