Jennifer Crusie - Agnes and the Hitman

Venus, her hands slipping off the shiny surface of the unforgiving plastic, and then she disappeared without even a scream into the basement.

Agnes stood there holding the frying pan, waiting for the scream. There should have been a scream. How fucking crazy do you have to be to die without a scream? she thought, and then she realized that she was light-headed, which could be from catching the edge of a cast-iron frying pan on the temple or it could be from all the blood that was on her floor that used to be in her veins.

She dropped the pan and tried to stagger out the back door, but she slipped again and fell, the world looping around her, and she thought, Oh, God, I’m going to die alone in my kitchen, and then as the light narrowed down and she gave up, she heard the screen door slap and saw Shane bending over her, looking like he was shouting except Shane never got upset, so she was hallucinating, maybe it was her future flashing before her eyes, and then he picked her up and Carpenter was there and she thought, I’ll be okay now, and passed out cold.

cranky agnes column #100

“Wedding Cake Is Not a Piece of Cake”

The ancient Romans used to break the wedding cake over the bride’s head for “fruitfulness and good fortune.” I say there’s a time and a place for everything, and a wedding is not the place to smack people with cake, or shove it in their faces, or do anything except admire it, cut it, and eat it. Civilization depends on us being kind to each other, and so does long-term commitment, so a wedding is as good a place as any to give up violence against people and pastry and start playing well with others.

The sun was coming up when Agnes got out of the Defender and saw Joey on the front porch waiting for them, Rhett snoozing at his feet. Joey came down the steps like lightning to help her, although Shane was right there, more than capable of carrying her up the steps all by himself, and in fact she was feeling pretty good, she could make it up on her own. So she leaned on both of them.

“I love you guys,” she said, and they grinned at each other over her head as she went up on the porch to pat her dog, who looked up at her with the same adoration he always gave her. “Hello, baby,” she said. “I’m home,” and almost wept because she really was: Two Rivers was hers, and it was going to stay hers now.

They were almost to the door when Lisa Livia came out with two pieces of her pink luggage and Carpenter behind her with the other three and a large canvas bag.

“Hey,” Agnes said, and Lisa Livia slowed enough to say, “The wedding was amazing, Ag, especially the part where you blew up my mother’s boat and knocked her ass into the basement. If you’d killed her, it would have been perfect.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that, I tried,” Agnes said. “Where are you going?”

“The Caymans,” LL said, and then leaned in and whispered, “Carpenter tossed Brenda’s boat before it blew up and found the numbers to her account. I’m going to go find my money, but I’ll be back. Save Venus for me.”

She kissed Agnes’s cheek and then went down the path toward Maria’s pink Mustang.

Agnes watched Carpenter load the pink luggage and the canvas bag in the trunk. “Where did she get the money for a ticket to the Caymans?” She looked at Joey, who kept his arm around her, as if she’d fall down if he wasn’t there.

“You want to go upstairs and rest,” he said, concern in his voice. “You got the place to yourself now, it’ll be quiet, you can sleep. Maria and Palmer left on their honeymoon, but they said they’d be back in two weeks. Frankie sent his love but he had someplace he had to be.”

“Testifying,” Agnes said, watching Carpenter kiss LL good-bye. “No,” Joey said, and Agnes looked at Shane. “Nobody to testify against,” Shane said. “Nobody to testify for.”

“So, he just left ?” Agnes said.

“Yeah,” Joey said, looking at her with worry in his eyes. “Shane said you were okay when he called, but… you okay?”

Agnes nodded. “Concussion and loss of blood. I’ll be fine. Brenda’s in traction, but they have nice hospitals in the prison psych wards, which she’s going to hate. I hear you stay there a long time when you murder somebody and then hit a cop who stays alive to testify.”

Joey snorted. “Hammond. That’ll teach him.”

Lisa Livia honked, and Agnes waved as she drove away, feeling bereft but not too much. She’d be back. They’ll all come back, she thought.

Joey waved and then looked past Agnes to Shane, tightening his arm around her. “You take care of my little Agnes.”

“That’s what I came for,” Shane said, and Joey let go of her.

“I’ll be back out tomorrow for dinner,” he said, and went down the steps, nodding to Carpenter as he passed him on his way up.

“How are you?” Carpenter said to Agnes, meaning every word.

“Good,” Agnes said. “I am good. Well, I have to write my column this afternoon but…”

“Everything is fine here,” Carpenter said. “Garth has everything under control.”

“Amazing,” Agnes said.

Carpenter nodded. “I have to go to Washington for a few days. They need a cleaner. Different kind of cleaning than I’m used to, but nothing I can’t handle.”

“You’re taking Wilson’s place,” Shane said.

“We’ll see.” Carpenter smiled. “Stay centered.”

“Hard not to here,” Shane said. “You’ll be back?”

“Yes,” Carpenter said.

“I’m feeling much better, then,” Agnes said, but she was actually starting to feel worse, her head beginning to throb again.

“Upstairs,” Shane said, and steered her inside and up two flights of stairs to the cool blue bedroom, Rhett padding patiently behind them.

In the middle of the big bed was a large canvas bag.

“I think that’s yours,” Agnes said, and lay down on the bed because her head really hurt

Shane picked the bag up and opened it. It was, not surprisingly, full of money. “Why me?”

“I’m guessing that’s half of Joey’s half of the take from the five mil Frankie came back to get from the basement,” Agnes said, and Shane sat down.

“Five million,” he said. “Frankie got twenty percent, Joey got twenty, and Four Wheels got ten. And the Don got fifty. Except the Don isn’t getting fifty.”

“So Frankie and Joey get two million each.” Agnes rubbed her forehead carefully. “Frankie split his with Lisa Livia, and she’s taking her mil and going down to the Caymans to see what her mother did with her money. And Joey took his two million and split it with you.”

Shane took a handful of bills out of the bag. “We can finish the bathroom. And I’d like a boat”

“The IRS is watching you. Spend it slow.” Agnes closed her eyes. Then she started to laugh.

“What?” He crawled onto the bed beside her, and Rhett collapsed in a patch of sunshine under the low windows and sighed himself into sleep.

“Frankie and Joey are honorable guys, right?” she said, snuggling against him.

“Right,” he said, his voice exhausted. “Garth’s a millionaire.”

He laughed, too, warm beside her, and then he stopped, and she looked up at him. “What?”

“Carpenter said this thing to me.” He settled closer to her. “Happiness in the world?”

“Oh, yeah.” Agnes smiled against his shoulder. “Contentment with the past, happiness in the present, and hope for the future. It was in the wedding vows.”

“He said when I had that, I’d be able to talk to you.”

“Oh. Well, all things in good time.”

“I’m close.” Shane yawned. “I’m close to the middle one, I think. And the last one, I’ve got that.” He closed his eyes as his hand rested on her waist. “Nah,” he said, and yawned again. “I’m good with all of them.”