Jennifer Crusie - Agnes and the Hitman

“You let the goddamned minister alone,” Brenda said. “Did he just say my kid wasn’t good enough for Palmer?” Lisa Livia said.

“Oh, for the love of God.” Agnes stood up to face Reverend Miller.

“I don’t know what ‘celebrate’ means in your vocabulary, but in mine, it doesn’t mean making the bride feel like an outsider and everybody else want to kill themselves. You’re done here. Go away.”

“I tried to leave before,” Reverend Miller snapped.

“I know,” Agnes said. “But you were a real putz about it, so I’m not giving you any points for that.” She looked around for Carpenter but saw only Shane, who was standing next to a large black trunk on a dolly. That’s new, Agnes thought. “Carpenter?” she called.

“Right behind you,” he said, and when she turned around, he was there, straightening his tie.

“Saw this coming, did you?”

“Didn’t everybody?”

She leaned closer and whispered, “You swear to me this will be legal?”

“Yes,” he whispered back. “I’m legal everywhere except Utah, North Carolina, and Las Vegas.”

Agnes closed her eyes. “Okay,” she whispered. “The bride and the groom are a little depressed. That hag from hell Brenda has convinced Palmer that Maria is marrying him for his money and convinced Maria that Palmer only wants her because she’s beautiful and that he’ll cheat on her. One of them might even say, ‘I don’t.’“

“Got it covered,” he said, and moved to the front, majestic in his black suit.

“Welcome friends of Maria and Palmer,” he said as he took his place in the gazebo, moving Reverend Miller out of the way at the same time by the sheer force of his bulk, and his voice rolled over them, rich and warm. “Many of you have made long trips to come here, some of them fraught with difficulties, and we are grateful to you for that. Maria and Palmer’s trip to this moment has also been fraught with difficulties, and their willingness to surmount those challenges will speak to their hope for the future.”

Palmer still looked as though he wasn’t listening, but Maria turned to Agnes, giving her a What the hell? look.

“Six M amp;M’S,” Agnes whispered. “Swear to God, Maria.”

Maria took in a deep breath, nodded, and turned back to Carpenter.

Carpenter cleared his throat.

“Dearly beloved,” he said. “We are gathered here today to honor a couple who have shown that they truly know the meaning of love through adversity, of staying the course no matter what life brings. Maria, a lovely girl who could marry any man she chose, is giving her hand to Palmer, a young man of great promise, in spite of his recent losses due to the disastrous lawsuits at the Flamingo Golf Course-”

“What?” Maria said, startled.

“-that have left him penniless-”

“Dude,” Downer said, taking a step away from Palmer.

“-and virtually unable to support her-”

“What?” Palmer said, finally waking up to frown at Carpenter. “What are you talking about?”

“Palmer,” Maria said, leaning closer to him.

“Really, Maria,” Palmer said stiffly. “You don’t need to worry about the money.”

“I’m not,” Maria snapped. “I work, you know. I’ve worked since I was fifteen. I was raised to work. Have you met my mother? You think she’d raise a daughter to rely on a man for money?”

Palmer blinked. “I didn’t mean…”

“I love you, you moron,” Maria said, looking like she wanted to kill him. “And now that you’re broke, I can prove it to you. In fact…” Her face cleared. “Palmer, this is good. We can make a fortune together.”

“I’m not broke,” Palmer said, scowling at her.

“You’re not listening,” Maria said. “You’re a genius at golf courses, but you’re not so smart at practical things. I am. I have my mother’s brains, and I’m here to tell you, my mother is something else. With your creative brain and my street smarts, we’re going to be millionaires in no time. And we’ll do it together, Palmer. It’ll be better this way.” She reached out and grabbed his arm. “We’ll be broke for a while, but not for long. You have no idea how smart I am.”

Palmer looked exasperated. “Of course I know how smart you are. Why do you think I’m marrying you? You’re the smartest woman I’ve ever met. I knew that on our first date when the car broke down and you fixed it and then we got lost and you figured out the GPS system. I knew damn well that you were the perfect match for me.”

Maria’s mouth dropped open. “Palmer?”

“Well, it’s great that you’re hot, too, of course, but it’s not important And I love you. I don’t know what the hell’s been going on this week.” Palmer squared his shoulders. “But I’m telling you now, if you’re marrying me for my money, I don’t like it much, but I’m marrying you anyway.”

“I’m not,” Maria said. “I never was, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, I don’t care if you’re rich. I want money, but we can make it together. We’ll make lots of it. I’m good at it, you’ll see. You design the golf courses, and I’ll make sure we get lots of money for it and that it gets invested and we have retirement and our kids have college savings, I’ll take care of all of it. We’ll be rich again. We’ll do it together. It’ll be better this way, Palmer, we’ll do it together.”

“No, we won’t,” Palmer said. “I don’t know what he’s talking about. I didn’t lose my money. The Flamingo is fine. I’m still rich.”

Maria looked at Carpenter.

Carpenter nodded. “I was just checking.”

“We’re rich?” Maria said.

“Sorry,” Palmer said.

“Oh, thank God,” Maria said, and fell into his arms. “So what I need to know right now is that the two of you really do want to get married,” Carpenter said. “Yes,” Palmer said.

“Absolutely,” Maria said, clinging to him.

“And do you each really believe that the other loves you and wants to marry you?” Carpenter said. “Yes,” Palmer said. “Yes, I do ,” Maria said.

“And do you promise to live together in contentment with the past, happiness in the present, and hope for the future?”

They both looked taken aback, but Palmer said, “Yes, I do,” his voice strong, and Maria said, “Yes, I do, too.”

“Then I now pronounce you man and wife,” Carpenter said, his voice ringing out.

“You can do that?” Maria said. “Just like that?”

“Yes, I can,” Carpenter said. “Do you want to kiss the bride, Palmer?”

“Yes, I do,” Palmer said, and kissed Maria. Agnes looked at Lisa Livia, who was crying.

“Did you hear what my daughter said about me?” Lisa Livia said. “Yes, I did,” Agnes said, putting her arm around her. “Damn fine wedding.”

“Damn fine minister, too,” Lisa Livia said, sobbing. “Tip him well for the ceremony,” Agnes said, “as only you can,” and turned to see how Brenda was taking it. Brenda was gone.

Shane had been so busy watching Casey Dean that he missed what happened in the gazebo, although it was evidently good because people applauded and Maria and Palmer came down the aisle looking like they were in love again, and Agnes was up in the gazebo kissing Carpenter, which meant Carpenter had probably saved the day. You can count on Carpenter, he thought, but his focus was already back on Casey Dean.

He pulled out Abigail’s cell phone with one hand as he began to roll the trunk down the dock.

“Hey, Princess,” Shane said when Casey Dean answered. “Come join me. I’ve got the money.”