Jennifer Crusie - Faking It

“Right,” Tilda said. “I don’t teach elementary school, I paint murals. It’s very peaceful. I have no steam to blow.”

“Just remember the three rules,” Eve said as if Tilda hadn’t spoken. “She only comes out four nights a week, she never has sex at home, and she never tells anybody she’s you.”

“It’s not too late to get therapy,” Tilda said. “I’m sure your school insurance covers it.”

“Why?” Eve stood up and straightened her pajamas. “I’m happy. And I got two sweaters.”

“Good for you,” Tilda said. “Look, the guy in the closet was not that hot, I was exaggerating.”

“You know,” Eve said. “You keep talking yourself out of all the good stuff, you’re never going to get any.”

“I got some,” Tilda said, annoyed. “Scott and I had great sex. I came every time .” Steve put his paws on her leg and she picked him up. “They should put that man’s name in lights.”

“He was too calm,” Eve said. “Did you ever feel ravished? Did you ever feel as though if you didn’t have him, you’d die?”

“For the last time, I have no inner Louise.” Tilda looked back at the bed. “I don’t even have an inner Scarlet anymore.” She handed the dog to Eve and flipped the dustcover back over the bed, hiding the headboard, the quilt, and the painting. “I have responsibilities. I have to be smart. I have to steal a painting.” She felt a little sick at the thought, but that might have been the chocolate.

“Which is another reason why you shouldn’t have let the burglar go,” Eve said.

“I didn’t let him go. He let go of me.” She forced a smile. “And thank God for that.”

“Yeah,” Eve said. “Because all that good kissing would have gotten old eventually. I think there’s more chocolate upstairs, Vilma.”

Tilda sighed. “Lead me to it, Louise.”

AT NINE the next morning, Gwen poured herself a cup of coffee, punched up a nice Bacharach medley on the jukebox, pulled a pineapple-orange muffin from the bakery bag Andrew had dropped off on his way to jog, and then went out into the gallery to the marble counter and her latest Double-Crostic. To her right, the sun streamed through the cracked glass pane above the display window, and a loose metal ceiling tile bounced silently in the breeze from the central air. Behind her, Jackie DeShannon sang “Come and Get Me,” and Gwen thought, Fat chance. I’m stuck here forever .

The clue for G was “once a popular make of automobile”; that was always “Nash.” Why they never varied that clue was beyond Gwen. It wasn’t as if there weren’t other formerly popular automobiles. That gave her two of four letters for the word in the quote - R , blank, N , blank- which could be “rang,” or “rank,” or “rant,” or “rend,” or “ring,” or “rung,” or “runs”… Kill me now , Gwen thought.

Okay, H . “Nineteen fifty-four Ray Milland movie.” Fourteen spaces. “Damn.”

“Language, Grandma,” Nadine said from behind her, and Gwen turned. Nadine was sporting a black leather jacket, spiky black hair, mime-white makeup with raccoon eyes, Steve in her arms, and her boyfriend du jour, Burton, looking his usual, sullen Goth self, at her side.

“It’s June,” Gwen said to Nadine, deciding to ignore Burton since her day was already irritating. “Maybe not the leather jacket.”

Burton made one of those all-purpose cut-me-a-break sounds, and Gwen ignored him some more. He’d have been such a good-looking boy if it hadn’t been for the sneer.

Ethan came out of the office, eating a muffin, not looking pretty. “I snagged one, Mrs. Goodnight,” he said, his bony face cheerful under his bright red hair. “What do I owe you?”

Gwen’s mood improved slightly. “I’ll spot you the muffin if you can tell me a 1954 Ray Milland movie, fourteen spaces.”

“ The Lost Weekend ,” Ethan bit into the muffin.

“You’re a good boy, Ethan,” Gwen said and filled in the space.

“That’s what the ‘damn’ was for?” Nadine put the dog down and took a corner from Ethan’s muffin as the gallery door opened. “A 1954 movie? You know you’d have gotten that eventually.”

“Ray Milland makes it harder.” Gwen turned to face whoever was lost enough to come into the gallery and thought, Uh-oh . Six feet, dark hair, horn-rimmed glasses, dusty jacket, and dustier duffel bag, and even with all of that, you paid attention. “Loser,” Burton said under his breath, and Gwen looked into the newcomer’s sharp, dark eyes and thought, No, but trouble just the same .

“Ray Milland, 1954?” he said.

“Yes,” Gwen said, as Steve barked once, a low tremolo that slid up the scale at the end.

“Steve,” Nadine said, delighted. “You’re musical!”

“ Dial M for Murder” The newcomer stuck out his hand. “Hi. I’m Davy Dempsey.”

Gwen frowned at him and shook his hand and thought, He’s charming. That can’t be good . She squinted at her book. Dial M for Murder made the word in the fourth line “never” instead of “nevew.”

“That’s a help.”

“Sorry,” Ethan said. “Should I give the muffin back?”

“No,” Gwen said. “You’re sixteen and you came up with a Ray Milland movie. You get muffins for life.”

“So, you want to buy a painting?” Nadine said to Davy, openly appraising him.

He studied the closest Finster, a pale oil of three depressed and evil fishermen closing in on a dyspeptic tuna. “ ‘A foul and depraved-looking lot, Bailiff.’”

“ ‘Those are just the spectators, Your Honor,’” Ethan said, and the two of them grinned at each other.

“What?” Gwen said, not reassured. That smile, that confidence, that glint in his eye. Who does this guy remind me of ?

“Movie quotes,” Nadine said, affection in her voice. “Ethan just found another film geek to play with.”

“Losers,” Burton said under his breath.

“So what are you here for?” Nadine said to the stranger, focused as always.

“You have a room to rent?” He nodded toward the sign in the window as Steve crept closer and sniffed his shoes. “I’ll take anything, even the attic.”

“Aunt Tilda has the attic,” Nadine said. “She’s not good with the sharing.”

“Efficiency apartment,” Gwen said. “Furnished, clean, neat, eight hundred dollars, two months’ rent in advance. Don’t worry about the dog. He doesn’t bite.” We hope .

“You going to stay for two months?” Nadine said, eyeing his duffel with suspicion.

“Probably not,” Davy said, grinning at her. “Basically, I’m on my way to Australia.”

“ Support Your Local Sheriff ,” Ethan said.

“I don’t know that one,” Nadine said, shoving her hand at Davy. “I’m Nadine and this is my grandmother, Gwennie.” She nodded over her shoulder. “That’s Burton and that’s Ethan, and that’s Steve, sniffing your foot.”

“Hey,” Ethan said, waving his muffin. Burton glowered. Steve sat down and scratched behind his ear.

“Can we go now?” Burton said.

“No,” Nadine said, and Burton shut up.

“Can you give me references?” Gwen said to Davy.

“Not from here,” Davy said. “I can give you several in Florida. Miami.”

Florida , Gwen thought. Sparkling blue water. Cool white beaches. Alcoholic drinks with little umbrellas. She’d kill to be in Florida, even if it was June.

“We gotta go now ,” Burton said, slinging his arm around Nadine’s shoulders. Nadine looked annoyed while Ethan munched his muffin, ignoring Burton completely.

“The jacket,” Gwen said to Nadine. “It’s Louise’s. If you sweat in it, there’ll be hell to pay.”