Jennifer Crusie: The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes

‘Not without Mare.’

‘You’re just being stubborn.’ Pauline began to clear the table as Crash got out his wallet to pay the check. ‘You haven’t thought about her in five years, so why-’

The picture of Mare’s Florett fluttered out of his wallet, looped a loop, and landed face up on the table.

‘The hell I haven’t.’ Crash picked up the picture. ‘Look at this. I’ve been looking for the parts for this bike for three years…’

He stopped, realizing what he was saying.

‘Three years,’ he told Pauline, jabbing the photo at her. ‘I’ve been planning on coming back for her for three years. I’ve always meant to come back for her. I’m just slow.’ He looked at the bike. And stupid,’ he added to be fair. ‘But that doesn’t mean I don’t love-’ He looked up at Pauline and for the first time noticed the red glint in her eyes. And the red ring around her iris.

Pauline did not crack gum. Pauline knew exactly what his order was. Pauline was not serving his dinner.

‘Of course, there’s no reason to rush into anything,’ he told Xan.

‘Yeah,’ she said, cracking her gum.

‘I think I’ll go back to Italy now,’ he said, putting the photo back in his wallet. ‘Good plan.’

He handed her a twenty. ‘Keep the change.’

She nodded, the red glint in her eye getting brighter. ‘That’s real generous of you.’

‘Well, I’m leaving the country. Gotta get rid of my American money.’ Grash stood up and bumped into the woman who’d just gotten up from the booth behind his. ‘Sorry,’ he said to the top of her head, her gray razor-cut hair neatly parted.

‘My fault,’ the woman said, keeping her head down.

He followed her out the door, and then got on his bike and headed for the O’Brien house to tell Mare that her aunt was at the Greasy Fork possessing waitresses.

And that he’d loved her since the day he’d met her and would until the end of time.

They’d almost reached the top of the mountain, Pywackt padding beside them, the Great Big Rock in view, Mare with ‘Remains of the Day’ stuck in her head, when she heard the purr of a well-tuned motorcycle.

He’s not coming back for you, she told herself sternly, but her heart said, He’s coming back for me.

‘Send him away,’ Dee said. ‘This is not the time or the place for civilians,’ and Mare slowed as Crash rounded the final turn to the top, narrowly missing a frog that was hopping along the roadside. The frog sneezed.

‘This is so not the time for us to discuss the relationship,’ she told him as he parked his bike, but she sighed in spite of herself, he looked so good standing in front of her again.

He took off his helmet. ‘Your aunt is at the Greasy Fork. I think she’s possessed Pauline.’

‘Really,’ Mare said, smiling at the thought of Xan slinging hash at the Fork. ‘Well, she hasn’t possessed Pauline. Pauline’s in Baltimore with William. They ran off together after William’s dinner break in the middle of the libido spell. He quit his job at Value Video!! so they tried to make me manager this afternoon, but I’m busy with the whole Antichrist thing so they offered it to Dreama. She’s the youngest manager in the history of the company.’ Mare knew she was babbling, but he was right there, with her, and it was all she could do not to reach out and pat him because he was right there.

I love you, she thought. I have to go do something horrible to my aunt and I’ll probably die, but I love you.

‘Okay,’ Crash said. ‘So who’s at the Greasy Fork?’

‘Probably Xan, shapeshifting. What did she want?’

‘Me, back in Italy. But I’m not going without you.’ Crash got off his bike. ‘So what are we doing here?’

‘Mare!’ Lizzie called from the top of the path.

‘Just a minute,’ she called up. ‘This is new.’ She looked back at him. ‘I can’t talk now. Xan has grabbed Danny and Elric for some kind of Evil Overlord plan and we have to turn her into a geranium. But if we survive this, her power will be broken, and then if you still love me without her spell-’

‘You’re kidding,’ Crash said.

‘Which part?’

‘The geranium,’ Crash said.

‘Oh, no, we have to turn her into something powerless, and Dee said if Xan likes red that much, she could go be a geranium on the kitchen windowsill in Hell. Dee’s really had it with Xan this time, and a geranium’s as good as anything else.’

Crash nodded, looking lost but prepared to follow anyway. ‘You really can turn her into a geranium?’

‘I can’t, but Lizzie can if she has enough power, so if Dee and I channel what we’ve got into Lizzie, then Lizzie can turn Xan into a potted plant, and that should break whatever spell she has on Danny and Elric up there, and we can all go home for dinner, and then you and I can talk about living happily ever after in Italy, which we might actually have a shot at if we can turn Xan into a geranium. Or something equally nonlethal. And sedentary. And if you still love me when Xan’s power is gone.’ Mare drew in a deep breath.

‘Okay,’ Crash said, and she couldn’t stand it any more and leaned in and kissed him, loving the taste of him and the heat of his mouth, so glad to see him that the pebbles on the path rose up and swirled around them, and then he put his hands on her arms and kissed her back and some boulders shifted.

‘Mare,’ Dee said, from the top of the path.

‘I have to go,’ Mare said, dizzy with love. ‘My aunt the Antichrist is up there. She’s probably going to kill us all.’

‘And your plan is to turn her into a geranium,’ Crash said, breathless. ‘Okay, if you’re up there, I’m up there.’ He started up the path.

‘Not a good idea,’ Mare said, and followed him.

‘No civilians,’ Lizzie said when he reached them, but she didn’t stop climbing.

‘I’m marrying in,’ Crash said, not stopping, either.

‘Not if you get fried by a stray bolt of something,’ Dee said, as they reached the top. ‘You have no powers to protect you.’

‘And they do?’ Crash nodded over to the stone circle where Danny and Elric were sitting on the Great Big Rock, Danny looking bemused, Elric looking murderous.

‘As a matter of fact, yes,’ Dee said.

‘‘Bout time you got here,’ Danny called to Dee. ‘Okay, Elric and I slept with you and Lizzie, we know what we’re in for. But what did the frog do?’ He jerked his thumb at a frog on the edge of the rock.

‘Hey, Jude,’ Crash said.

The other frog they’d seen sneezing on the path had made it to the top of the mountain and now was hopping frantically across the green toward the circle, as Dee said, ‘Crash, I’m sorry, but you have to go. You’re going to get hurt.’

‘No,’ Crash said.

‘Give it up,’ Lizzie said to Dee. ‘Neither one of them can take an order. I say he’s part of the family and he stays. Now, has anybody seen Xan? Because if not, this is going to be the biggest anticlimax-’

The setting sun hit the Great Big Rock, and Xan appeared from behind it, clad in a long white dress, looking spectacular with her dark hair flowing across her shoulders.

‘Nice entrance,’ Mare said.

‘Overdone,’ Dee said.

‘Well, natural light is tricky,’ Lizzie said fairly. ‘Especially at her age,’ Elric said from inside the circle. Xan’s face darkened.

‘Does not take criticism well,’ Mare said primly. ‘Needs to improve.’

‘And she’s wearing white?’ Dee said. ‘Who is she kidding?’

Lightning split the sky behind Xan, lighting up the circle with fluorescent clarity, tinting the rocks with a bloodred glow.

‘Did she do that?’ Crash whispered to Mare.