Sophie Kinsella: Shopaholic Takes Manhattan

And oh my God! I feel a sudden zing of excitement. There’s a customer standing there, and she’s holding one. She’s actually holding one!

To be perfectly honest, I’ve never actually seen anyone buying one of Suze’s frames. I mean, I know people must buy them, because they keep selling out — but I’ve never actually seen it happen. This is so exciting!

I walk quietly forward just as the customer turns the frame over. She frowns at the price, and my heart gives a little flurry.

“That’s a really beautiful photo frame,” I say casually. “Really unusual.”

“Yes,” she says, and puts it back down on the shelf.

No! I think in dismay. Pick it up again!

“It’s so difficult to find a nice frame these days,” I say conversationally. “Don’t you think? When you find one, you should just… buy it! Before someone else gets it.”

“I suppose so,” says the customer, giving me an odd look.

Now she’s walking away. What can I do?

“Well, I think I’ll get one,” I say distinctly, and pick it up. “It’ll make a perfect present. For a man, or a woman… I mean, everyone needs photograph frames, don’t they?”

The customer doesn’t seem to be taking any notice. But never mind, when she sees me buying it, maybe she’ll rethink.

I hurry to the checkout, and the woman behind the till smiles at me. I think she’s the shop owner, because I’ve seen her interviewing staff and talking to suppliers. (Not that I come in here very often, it’s just coincidence or something.)

“Hello again,” she says. “You really like those frames, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I say loudly. “And such fantastic value!” But the customer’s looking at a glass decanter, and not even listening.

“How many of them have you bought, now? It must be about… twenty?”

What? My attention snaps back to the shop owner. What’s she saying?

“Or even thirty?”

I stare at her in shock. Has she been monitoring me, every time I’ve been in here? Isn’t that against the law?

“Quite a collection!” she adds pleasantly, as she wraps it up in tissue paper.

I’ve got to say something, or she’ll get the idea that it’s me buying all Suze’s frames instead of the general public. Which is ridiculous. I ask you, thirty! I’ve only bought about… four. Five, maybe.

“I haven’t got that many!” I say hurriedly. “I should think you’ve been mixing me up with… other people. And I didn’t just come in to buy a frame!” I laugh gaily to show what a ludicrous idea that is. “I actually wanted some of… these, too.” I grab randomly at some big carved wooden letters in a nearby basket, and hand them to her. She smiles, and starts laying them out on tissue paper one by one.

“P… T… R… R.”

She stops, and looks at the letters puzzledly. “Were you trying to make Peter?”

Oh for God’s sake. Does there always have to be a reason to buy things?

“Erm… yes,” I say. “For my… my godson. He’s three.”

“Lovely! Here we are then. Two E’s, and take away one R…”

She’s looking at me kindly, as if I’m a complete halfwit. Which I suppose is fair enough, since I can’t spell Peter and it’s the name of my own godson.

“That’ll be… £48,” she says, as I reach for my purse. “You know, if you spend £50, you get a free scented candle.”

“Really?” I look up with interest. I could do with a nice scented candle. And for the sake of £2…

“I’m sure I could find something…” I say, looking vaguely round the shop.

“Spell out the rest of your godson’s name in wooden letters!” suggests the shop owner helpfully. “What’s his surname?”

“Um, Wilson,” I say without thinking.

“Wilson!” And to my horror, she begins to root around in the basket. “W… L… here’s an O…”

“Actually,” I say quickly, “actually, better not. Because… because… actually, his parents are divorcing and he might be changing his surname.”

“Really?” says the shop owner, and pulls a sympathetic face as she drops the letters back in. “How awful. Is it an acrimonious split, then?”

“Yes,” I say, looking around the shop for something else to buy. “Very. His… his mother ran off with the gardener.”

“Are you serious?” The shop owner’s staring at me, and I suddenly notice a couple nearby listening as well. “She ran off with the gardener?”

“He was… very hunky,” I improvise, picking up a jewelry box and seeing that it costs £75. “She couldn’t keep her hands off him. The husband found them together in the toolshed. Anyway—”

“Goodness me!” says the shop owner. “That sounds incredible!”

“It’s completely true,” chimes in a voice from across the shop.

What?

My head whips round — and the woman who was looking at Suze’s frames is walking toward me. “I assume you’re talking about Jane and Tim?” she says. “Such a terrible scandal, wasn’t it? But I thought the little boy was called Toby.”

I stare at her, unable to speak.

“Maybe Peter is his baptismal name,” suggests the shop owner, and gestures to me. “This is his godmother.”

“Oh, you’re the godmother!” exclaims the woman. “Yes, I’ve heard all about you.”

This isn’t happening.

“Now, perhaps you can tell me.” The woman comes forward and lowers her voice confidentially. “Did Tim accept Maud’s offer?”

I look around the silent shop. Everyone is waiting for my answer.

“Erm… yes, he did! Actually, I think I’ll pay by cash.” I fumble in my purse, and plonk £50 on the counter. “Keep the change.”

“What about your scented candle?” says the shop owner. “You can choose from vanilla, sandalwood—”

“Never mind,” I say, hurrying toward the door.

“Wait!” calls the woman urgently. “What happened to Ivan?”

“He… he emigrated to Australia,” I say, and slam the door behind me.

God, that was a bit close. I think I’d better go home.

As I reach the corner of our road, I pause and do a little rearranging of my bags. Which is to say, I put them all in one LK Bennett carrier, and push them down until you can’t see them. But it’s not that I’m hiding them or anything.

I’m kind of hoping I’ll be able to scuttle into my room without Suze seeing me, but as I open the front door, she’s sitting on the floor of the hall, parceling something up.

“Hi!” she says. “Did you get the shoes?”

“Yes,” I say brightly. “Absolutely. Right size, and everything.”

“Let’s have a look then!”

“I’ll just… unpack them,” I say casually, and head toward my room, trying to keep relaxed. But I know I look guilty. I’m even walking guiltily.

“Bex,” she says suddenly. “What else is in that bag? That’s not just one pair of shoes.”

“Bag?” I turn as though in surprise. “Oh, this bag. Erm… just a few… bits and pieces. You know… odds and ends…”

I tail away guiltily as Suze folds her arms, looking as stern as she can.

“Show me.”

“OK, listen,” I say in a rush. “I know I said only one pair. But before you get angry, just look.” I reach into my second LK Bennett bag, slip open the box, and slowly pull out one of the clementine sandals. “Just… look at that.”

“Oh my God,” breathes Suze, staring at it. “That’s absolutely… stunning.” She takes it from me and strokes the soft leather gently — then suddenly her stern expression returns. “But did you need them?”

“Yes!” I say defensively. “Or at least… I was just stocking up for the future. You know, like a kind of… investment.”

“An investment?”

“Yes. And in a way, it’s saving money — because now I’ve got these, I won’t need to spend any money on shoes next year. None!”