Jilly Cooper - Imogen

‘Good morning,’ said Yvonne, cheering up at the sight of Cable’s sulkiness.

‘What’s good about it?’ snapped Cable, throwing her flattened lilo down on the ground. ‘Will you blow it up for me, Nicky?’

He shot her a look which plainly said — Blow the bloody thing up yourself — then thought better of it and crouched down by the lilo, muttering under his breath.

‘I hear Matt’s gone to see Braganzi,’ said Yvonne to Cable. ‘You must be delighted for him.’

‘I am not ! A fine holiday I’m having, with him wasting his time running after silly stories. He’d gone by nine o’clock this morning, and that’ll be the last I’ll see of him today most likely. He’s bound to be up half the night writing the beastly thing. He even asked me to find him a typewriter. I ask you, in a god-forsaken place like this. It’s getting more and more like Margate,’ she added, glaring round the beach. Then, turning to Nicky, who’d nearly finished blowing up the lilo, ‘Why don’t we push off to St Trop for the day?’

‘No,’ said Nicky, suddenly catching sight of Tracey frolicking around in the shallows with James, ‘we haven’t got a car.’

‘Well, let’s hire one,’ said Cable imperiously, following Nicky’s glance.

‘Too much hassle,’ snapped Nicky, corking up the lilo and laying it at Cable’s feet. ‘And it’s far too hot to drive.’ Cable’s green eyes flashed.

It was getting too hot right here, thought Imogen. ‘I’m going to swim,’ she announced, setting off towards the sea.

‘So am I,’ said Nicky, hastily following her. ‘You’re looking very choice today, my darling. Let’s get out of the line of fire.’

‘We’re over here,’ Tracey called to them, waving frantically, her long blonde hair trailing in the green water like a mermaid’s. ‘It’s lovely. And how are you this morning, Nicky?’

‘Admiring you breasting the waves,’ said Nicky, ‘or rather waving the breasts.’

They all laughed, and splashed around. Then Nicky did his spectacular flashy crawl out to the raft and back.

‘Oh, I wish I could swim like that,’ said Tracey.

‘I’ll teach you,’ said Nicky. ‘Just rest your stomach on my hands, now move one arm like this, and put your head down.’

Tracey emerged giggling and spluttering. ‘I wouldn’t call that my tummy,’ she said.

‘Oh well, give or take a few inches,’ said Nicky, smiling down at her. Suddenly they stopped laughing and just gazed at each other. Oh my goodness, thought Imogen, nervous but pleased as well, what will Cable say?

‘Come on, Imogen,’ said James with a jolly laugh. ‘I’ll give you a swimming lesson too. Ouch,’ he squeaked as he stepped forward, ‘I feel a prick.’

‘Again,’ said Nicky.

And they all collapsed into giggles again, which was all in all not the sort of behaviour to improve either Cable’s or Yvonne’s tempers.

When they finally came out of the water, Yvonne promptly sent James off to the café to get her some lemonade.

‘Can you get me a vodka and tonic with ice and lemon?’ said Cable.

‘I’ll come and help you,’ said Nicky. ‘I could do with a snifter myself.’

‘Don’t forget to make the tonic Slimline,’ Cable called after him.

Yvonne turned her attention to Tracey, who was sitting up combing the tangles out of her hair.

‘My dear, have you known Larry long?’

‘Not very.’

‘Well, there’s something about him I feel you really ought to know. May I be frank with you? He is married.’

‘Oh, is he?’ said Tracey, quite unmoved. ‘Is she nice?’

‘Very, evidently,’ said Yvonne. ‘And they’ve been happily married for seventeen years.’

‘Well, I expect he needs a holiday from her then,’ said Tracey. ‘Then he’ll go home all the keener.’

‘But put yourself in his wife’s place,’ said Yvonne. ‘How d’you think she feels at this moment, abandoned in Islington with the children, while you sun yourself on the Côte d’Azure at her husband’s expense?’

A shadow fell over Imogen’s book. She looked up and jumped as she saw Larry, a camera hanging from his neck. He put his finger to his lips.

‘My dear,’ said Yvonne, warming to her subject, ‘don’t you realise how physical men are? It’s so easy for them to be led astray by the sight of a pretty face. If I encouraged them, I could have hundreds of men and husbands running after me, but it wouldn’t be fair. Men are so animal. It’s up to us girls to take a stand.’

Larry had crept round to Yvonne, and the next moment he was growling furiously into her ear, making her jump so much she fell off her lilo.

‘How dare you?’ she screamed.

‘Bow wow,’ growled Larry. ‘Bow wow. I’m an animal being led astray by a pretty face. Bow wow. That nose does suit you, I can’t think why you ever take it off,’ and picking up his camera he took a succession of quick snaps of her.

‘Put that thing away,’ squealed Yvonne, furiously tearing off her nose.

‘Well, stop brain-washing Tracey then. Not that there’s a lot of brain to wash.’

‘Hullo Larry,’ said Nicky, returning with James, a trayful of drinks and a cornet with two strawberry spheres of ice cream spilling out of the top. ‘How did you get on?’

‘Fantastic,’ said Larry, seizing Cable’s vodka and tonic and draining half of it in one gulp. ‘What a pad they’ve got up there! It’s a tragedy we couldn’t use colour.’

‘How was the Duchess?’ said James.

‘Sensational! Christ, what a beautiful woman. I’ve just been to Marseilles airport and put four rolls of film on a plane to London.’

‘Where’s Matt?’ said Cable.

‘Still up there, getting on like a château on fire. Braganzi’s being amazingly free and frank.’

‘He can afford to be if he’s going to see copy,’ snapped Cable. ‘You might leave me some of my drink, Gilmore.’

‘Oh, sorry, darling,’ said Larry, finishing it. ‘I’ll get us both another one in a minute.’

‘Ugh,’ said Yvonne. ‘You’re dripping ice cream all over me. Who’s it for?’

‘Tracey,’ said Nicky, handing it to her. ‘Somehow its structure reminded me of her.’

‘Do you mind?’ giggled Tracey. ‘Ta awfully, Nicky.’

‘I’m going to swim,’ said Cable, tucking her black hair into a yellow turban. ‘Are you coming, Nicky?’

For a minute they glared at each other, then he laughed and said all right, and, putting an arm round her shoulders, walked down to the beach with her.

‘I’m going too,’ said Yvonne, still obviously put out by Larry’s presence.

Larry took off his shirt and trousers. Underneath he was wearing black bathing trunks. He had a muscular well-shaped body, already very brown. The Man-Tan, as Tracey had pointed out, had striped his legs. He laughed when he caught Imogen staring at him.

‘It’s terribly difficult to put on over hairy legs,’ he said, sitting down beside her. ‘It’s a great story you got Matt, you know, and you certainly made a hit with Braganzi and the Duchess. They’ve been singing your praises all morning. Weren’t your ears burning?’

‘No, but my boobs are,’ interrupted Tracey, rolling over on her front and picking up Imogen’s book.

Larry looked out to sea at Cable and Nicky who had reached the raft, clambered on to it and were plainly having some kind of argument.

‘Cable’s being poisonous to that nice tennis player,’ he said in his slow voice. ‘He must be her latest.’

‘Oh, they’ve been flirting a bit,’ said James. ‘Jolly pretty girl, but a bit of a handful. Suppose I’m one of the lucky ones,’ he said, blowing bubbles into his drink with a straw. ‘Old Yvonne’s never really looked at another man.’