Jilly Cooper - Appassionata

My family, comme toujours , were staunchness personified. Leo, Felix and Emily hardly saw me for eighteen months, but gave endless cheer and comfort. So did my dogs Barbara and Hero, and four cats, Agnes, Sewage, Rattle and Tilson-Thomas, who provided sweet, silent companionship and protection in the gazebo, even at the dead of night.

Dear gallant Barbara (Gertrude the mongrel in my last four books) seemed determined to cling on to life if only to see me safely into port. She died a few days after I finished writing, leaving the world unbearably the poorer.

Finally, I would like to thank musicians everywhere for the joy they bring, and to beg the public, the Government and the local authorities to give them the support and funding they so desperately need, because a twenty-first century without orchestras would be very bleak indeed.

CANON AIRLIE

Non-executive director of the Rutminster Symphony Orchestra (RSO), a silly old fossil, constantly campaigning for better behaviour.

ALBERTO

The unsalubrious landlord of the Red Parrot Hotel, Bogotá.

AMBROSE

Principal guest conductor, RSO, known as the ‘fat controller’ — a bitchy old queen.

ANATOLE

A tempestuously talented Russian contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.

SISTER ANGELICA

A beautiful nun.

ASTRID

Boris Levitsky’s stunning Scandinavian au pair.

LADY BADDINGHAM

Much admired ex-wife of Tony Baddingham, the fiendish ex-chairman of Corinium Television.

BENNY BASANOVICH

A very tiresome Russian-French pianist who can only play fortissimo.

BARRY THE BASS

Principal Bass, RSO.

MRS BATESON

A music lover who befriends Marcus Campbell-Black.

JAMES BENSON

A very expensive private doctor.

BIANCA

An adorable Colombian orphan.

MRS BODKIN

Rupert Campbell-Black’s ancient housekeeper.

ROSALIE BRANDON

A bossyboots attached to the London office of Shepherd Denston, the music agents.

MILES BRIAN-KNOWLES

Detested deputy-managing director of the RSO, a snake in furry caterpillar’s clothing, who is after Mark Carling’s job.

DAVIE BUCKLE

A beaming bruiser and RSO timpanist.

EDDIE CAMPBELL-BLACK

Rupert’s father, an unreformed rake, just emerged from a fifth marriage and raring to go.

RUPERT CAMPBELL-BLACK

Ex-world show-jumping champion, now one of the world’s leading owner-trainers. Still Mecca for most women.

TAGGIE CAMPBELL-BLACK

Rupert’s wife — an angel and the apple of his once roving eye.

MARCUS CAMPBELL-BLACK

Rupert’s son by his first marriage. A pianist whose path to the top is only impeded by asthma and nerves, both chiefly induced by his father.

TABITHA CAMPBELL-BLACK

A ravishing tearaway. Rupert’s daughter, also by his first wife.

CANDY

A comely rank-and-file RSO viola player.

LINDY CARDEW

The mettlesome wife of Rutminster’s planning officer.

MARK CARLING

Beleaguered managing director of the RSO.

HAN CHAI

A very young Korean contestant in the Appleton Piano Competition.

TONY CHARLTON

The indefatigable and perennially cheerful stage manager of the RSO. Known as ‘Charlton Handsome’.

MISS CHATTERTON

Marcus Campbell-Black’s piano teacher, known as ‘Chatterbox’.

LADY CHISLEDON

A lusty old trout and member of the RSO board.

CHRISSIE

An obsequious Northern Television minion.

CLARE

Another very pretty RSO rank-and-file viola player, also the orchestra Sloane.

CLARISSA

Principal Cello, RSO.

CLIVE

Rannaldini’s sinister black-leather-clad henchman.

THE BISHOP OF COTCHESTER

Another silly old fossil.

CRYSTELLE

A bullying beautician from Parker and Parker’s department store.

OLD CYRIL

Fourth Horn, RSO. Heavy drinker. Onetime great player.

HOWARD DENSTON

Wideboy partner in Shepherd Denston, the toughest music agents in New York.

HOWIE DENSTON

Howard’s son, a mega-manipulator, who runs the London office.

NICHOLAS DIGBY

The harassed orchestra manager, or ‘fixer’ of the RSO, who has the unenviable task of getting the right number or players on and off the platform. Known as ‘Knickers’.

MRS DIGGORY

Heroic cleaner of the Celtic Mafia’s Bordello.

DIZZY

Rupert Campbell-Black’s head groom.

DMITRI

A lyrical and lachrymose cellist, later Principal Cello of the RSO.

BLUE DONOVAN

Second Horn of the RSO — blue-eyed Irishman of great charm, who covers for Viking O’Neill, both on the platform and in life. Founder member of Viking’s gang, known as the ‘Celtic Mafia’.

DIXIE DOUGLAS

A Glaswegian hunk, whose light duties as an RSO trombone player leave him rather too much time to hell-raise and troublemake. Another member of the Celtic Mafia.

MRS EDWARDS

Helen Campbell-Black’s underworked cleaner.

ELDRED

A beleaguered Principal Clarinet.

ERNESTO

A bribable Italian judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.

FRANCIS FAIRCHILD

Second Desk First Violin of the RSO nicknamed the ‘Good Loser? because he’s always mislaying his possessions.

LIONEL FIELDING

Leader of the RSO. A vainglorious narcissist.

HUGO DE GINÈSTRE

The charming, chivalrous, French-Canadian Co-leader of the RSO.

GISELA

Sir Rodney Macintosh’s cherishing housekeeper.

ROWENA GODBOLD

Charismatic bloude First Horn of the Cotchester Chamber Orchestra (CCO), the RSO’s deadly rivals.

PABLO GONZALES

An ancient Spanish pianist of great renown.

HELEN GORDON (formerly CAMPBELL-BLACK)

Rupert’s first wife, now married to his old chef d’équipe , Malise Gordon. A legendary beauty and devoted mother of Marcus and less so of Tabitha.

GILBERT GREENFORD

A caring beard from the Arts Council. Mark Carling’s cross.

GWYNNETH

A caftanned barrel from the Arts Council, Gilbert Greenford’s ‘partner’ and another of Mark Calling’s crosses.

RANDY HAMILTON

Third Trumpet from a brass-band and Army background. Another Celtic Mafia hell-raiser.

HERMIONE HAREFIELD

World-famous diva and Rannaldini’s mistress, who brings out the Crippen in all of us.

DIRTY HARRY

A bass player who never washes.

LYSANDER HAWKLEY

Rupert Campbell-Black’s jockey, the man who made husbands jealous.

HARVEY THE HEAVY

George Hungerford’s chauffeur and minder.

OLD HENRY

Oldest member of the RSO, once auditioned successfully for Toscanini, now rank-and-file First Violin.

ANTHEA HISLOP

A pianist, mostly employed for her sex appeal.

GEORGE HUNGERFORD

An extremely successful property developer.

MOTHER MARIA

A radiant Reverend Mother.

IMMACULATA

FAT ISOBEL

A very large viola player.

JISON

A dodgy local car dealer.

BRUCE KENNEDY

American pianist and judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.

KEVIN

A social worker.

MARIA KUSAK

A violin soloist, also employed for her sex appeal.

LORD LEATHERHEAD

Chairman of the RSO and crashing bore on the subject of bottled water.

BORIS LEVITSKY

A glamorous Russian conductor/composer. A bear with a very sore heart as a result of his wife Rachel’s suicide.

LILI

A bribable German judge in the Appleton Piano Competition.

LINCOLN

Fifth Horn of the RSO.

HILARY LLOYD

Second Clarinet of the RSO. An utter bitch known as the ‘Swan of Purley’ because she’s very refined and having an affaire with the leader. Hell-bent on becoming First Clarinet.

SIR RODNEY MACINTOSH