Lucy Gordon - For His Little Girl

He checked in and called home but there was no answer. She must be asleep. He called his parents, who said Pippa and Claudia had collected Josie hours earlier. She'd seemed cheerful and normal, and somehow that made his heart sink because it reminded him how hard it was to know what Pippa was really thinking. But then he recalled that Claudia had been with her, and he felt better.

He tried calling her again and again, but there was never a reply, and at last he fell asleep with his hand on the phone. At first light he started the long journey back, driving as fast as he dared.

He told himself that now he'd got everything under control. There was no way he would let her fly back to England. She must stay here, and he'd book her into the finest hospital with the finest surgeons. He would get her the best of everything, and when she left the hospital he would wait on her hand and foot, caring for her as no woman had ever been cared for before. She would get well, and their future would go on as before. He tried to shut out the sound of the phone ringing and ringing without answer.

It was late afternoon when he reached his house. Even before he opened the back door he could see a shadow inside, and relief swept over him. " Pippa !"

But it wasn't Pippa.

"She's gone, Luke," Claudia said. "She flew back to England yesterday. I got here just as she was leaving. She told me what had happened."

"And you let her go?"

"I couldn't stop her. It's her decision, and by all accounts she shouldn't put that operation off too long. Why should I try to make her stay? So that you could quarrel with her again? Do you think she could take that?"

"How much did she tell you?"

"Everything. I knew she wasn't well. I gave her the name of my doctor in Montecito-"

"You knew she was ill?"

"So would you have, if you'd used your eyes. Those headaches that kept happening, the shortness of breath-yes, I know she had an explanation, but it was all too much, and it happened too often for a young woman. I don't think she really had headaches at all. They were an excuse to lie down and save her energy."

"Why didn't you say this before?"

"It wasn't for me to tell you. She had the right to pick her own time. Besides, I didn't guess how seriously ill she was. When you think what she's gone through, keeping it to herself, nobody to confide in. And always looking at the future, wondering if it's a blank, and smiling, pretending. It must have been so lonely. I don't know how she endured it. Oh, Luke, sweetie-" He was weeping.

"Years ago, we used to tell each other everything," he said hoarsely.

"I doubt that. You might think it, but I'll bet there was a lot she couldn't tell you because you didn't want to know. Like how much she loved you."

"Of course I wanted to know-"

"Now perhaps, but then? In those days, did you ever tell her that you loved her?''

He fought to remember. "Yes-no-I must have-"

"I wonder. Love means chains to you, Luke. I know that's true now, so I can imagine what you were like then."

He sat at the breakfast bar and rested his head on his hands. "What really hurts is that she shut me out. All the time letting me think things were fine when she was actually carrying that burden and not letting me share it. Keeping me on the outside. I'd have liked to help her, be there for her when she was feeling bad. But obviously she doesn't think I could do that. I'm fine for a holiday romance, but not for when things get serious, right?''

"I don't know," Claudia said. "Only Pippa could say."

"I tried to tell her this, but she just thought I was mad at her for not warning me, so that I could stop myself loving her. As though there was any way I could stop that. She actually said that I would have liked to have kept my distance-protected myself-"

"And wouldn't you?"

"No. I love Pippa. I always have. I pretended I didn't-who did I think I was fooling?"

"I think you fooled her," Claudia said.

Before her eyes his face changed, becoming older. "It's my own fault, isn't it?" he said slowly. "I made her think the worst of me. Why should she think anything else? I even ran away now. I didn't mean to. I wanted to come back quickly, but I lost track of time, and now she's gone." He closed his eyes. "Tell me some more about when you got here. What happened?"

"I drove her over to your parents to collect Josie, and then to the airport. Frank and Elly were there, and they all caught the night flight to London. Then I came back here to wait for you."

"I called," he said, wishing his brain wasn't so fuzzy. "There was no answer."

"I was probably still out seeing them off."

"Josie must have wondered why I wasn't there to say goodbye, poor little kid. Does she know how ill her mother is?"

"No. Pippa couldn't risk telling her before she told you, in case she let it out. Besides, I don't think she wanted anything to spoil Josie's time here. I did suggest that she should delay leaving because I didn't like the way she looked. I don't think the flight will be good for her. But she was adamant she wanted to get away."

"Away from me," he said bitterly. "I thought I had a chance to put things right."

Claudia's face was sympathetic, but her words were firm. "Luke, face it. You thought you could put things right for yourself. But you've got to put them right for her."

"I've been a total jerk, haven't I?"

"Yes," Claudia said simply. "But at least you have the grace to see that you're a jerk. Which means that you're a redeemable jerk."

"Thanks for that small comfort," he said wryly. "I think I'll have a shower."

The shower cleared his brain slightly, but a clear view of things didn't make them look any better. He went to his bedroom to find clean clothes, and stopped at what he saw on the pillow. It was an envelope bearing his name in Pippa's unmistakable handwriting.

He'd never been a coward before but he found he was one now. He would do anything rather than read that letter with its message of finality. He would find her first, explain, ask her forgiveness. Then he would read the letter.

Even as these wild thoughts rushed through his brain he was opening the envelope with shaking hands. Pippa had written:

My darling Luke,

You were right, I should have told you from the start. I always knew it. But, you see, I didn't expect anything that happened. I thought it was all over between us, certainly on your side. I never thought you could love me again, but you did, and I suppose I played you a shabby trick in letting you plan for a future that I knew might never happen. I kept meaning to tell you and putting it off. Try to forgive me.

My main concern has always been Josie. She loves you, and I want you to be part of her life, whether I'm there or not. I've named Frank as her guardian, but you can see plenty of her. I shall make him promise that, and he's a man of his word.

But please, please Luke, if it comes to the worst, don't fight over her. Josie loves you, but she loves Frank and Elly, too, and if you fight it will make her unhappy. Poor little thing, she'll have enough to cope with.

Goodbye, my dearest. Thank you for the gifts you gave me. Josie first, but oh, so many other wonderful things. If we don't see each other again, don't remember the unkind things I said to you. I didn't mean them. I've always loved you for what you were, and not a different kind of man that you might have been. And I always will. Pippa.

There was something small and hard in the envelope. He tipped it out and found himself holding the diamond ring he'd given her at Montecito, long ago, in another life.

He sat and stared at the letter and the ring, feeling his whole body grow cold with fear, until he was so paralyzed that he thought he might never move again.