Lucy Gordon - For The Sake Of His Child

‘How much time did you spend with him?’ Gina asked gently.

‘I was away a lot, building up the business. But when I came back-he grew so fast-if you could have seen him then-such a strong, clever child. Everybody envied us-’

He closed his eyes suddenly. Gina held her breath and didn’t speak. She could tell that he’d gone away from her, back to the time when the world had been bright with hope, before calamity had fallen on him.

‘I used to think about him as I was driving home,’ he went on, still with his eyes closed. ‘My little boy-my son-but better and stronger than me. He’d smile when he saw me, and I felt there was a secret understanding between us-a kind of promise for the future.’

He opened his eyes and saw her looking at him in consternation. ‘I’m saying the wrong thing, aren’t I? But I don’t know why.’

She shook her head. It would take too long to tell him. Besides, didn’t all new fathers see their sons as extensions of themselves? Valuing them as individuals came later. But in this case a tragedy had got in the way.

‘What happened then?’

Carson threw himself back against the leather of the sofa and stared up at the ceiling.

‘For a while he seemed to be doing well. He started to make sounds. Some of them even began to sound like words. He was fighting it. But he was losing. When we took him back to be assessed again we found his hearing had worsened. The answer was another hearing aid, stronger. But it happened again, and again. Always the power being turned up as his hearing slipped away, until, about a year ago, he became profoundly deaf. Now he hears nothing, and he’s lost all the progress he seemed to have made.’

‘So you stopped seeing him as a promise for the future,’ she couldn’t resist saying. ‘And became ashamed of him.’

He sat up. ‘Damn you, no! I was never ashamed of him.’

‘Are you proud of him?’ Gina asked remorselessly.

‘How can I be-? I’m sorry for him.’

‘Then don’t be. Why should you pity him? He’s got a really good brain. When he does finger-spelling, he never makes a mistake. Every word is spelled perfectly, even the difficult ones. How old is he, eight?’

‘Nearly. In a few weeks.’

‘Not even eight, and he has a reading age of at least twelve.’

‘Yes, his teachers say the same. They all tell me how bright he is in a patronising way, as though that makes it all right. Can’t any of you see that it makes it worse? It’s a hard world out there. I’ve discovered that for myself. And he’s going to have to survive in it. God knows how!’

She sighed, understanding his confusion. This was a man who’d fought to impose his will on the world, and largely succeeded. But only in business. Fate had given him a son who was poorly equipped for life’s battles, and he didn’t cope with that fact very well.

‘Perhaps you’d better tell me a little about his school,’ she suggested.

‘He goes to a special place, near here, for children with disabilities. They’ve taught him signing and lip-reading, and they’re supposed to teach him to talk as well, but he’s not making much progress.’

She nodded thoughtfully. ‘He talks almost like somebody who’s never heard a human voice.’

‘That’s what baffles me. He must have heard something when he was young.’

‘Yes, but he was too little to understand what he was hearing. When he was old enough to make the connection, the sounds had faded. I doubt if he remembers them now. So he never learned properly because children learn to talk by imitating what they hear.’

Privately she thought there might be another reason: that Joey, too old and wise for his years, had reacted to his mother’s desertion and his father’s incomprehension by abandoning the effort to talk and retreating into his own world-a world of water, sharks and shells, where he was king.

But she kept this to herself. It would be cruel to throw it at Carson when he was struggling to do better. And she already knew that Joey could be tempted out by someone he saw as a friend.

‘It’ll take time, and encouragement,’ she said carefully. ‘If he knows that you don’t like the way he talks, he’s got no incentive to try.’

‘How can he possibly know?’

‘Do you really think he hasn’t sensed it? He knows a lot more about you than you do about him. What a pity you haven’t taken more interest in him.’

‘How dare you say I take no interest in him? He’s had the very best of everything-’

Gina lost patience. ‘I’m sure he’s had the best that money could buy,’ she said sharply. ‘It’s a pity you can’t buy parents, so that he could have had the best of them, too.’

As soon as the words were out she was shocked at herself for losing control of her tongue. And bewildered. It wasn’t like her to fly off the handle so easily, but when she was defending Joey her anger flared up quickly.

Carson was looking at her, not angrily, but with a wry expression.

‘I’m sorry,’ she told him. ‘I shouldn’t have said that.’

‘No, don’t spoil it. I appreciate plain speaking, and I guess that hair of yours comes at a price.’

‘Nonsense!’ she said, colouring. ‘It’s just hair. It doesn’t mean anything.’

‘Well, I never met any blondes or brunettes who put me in my place like you do. And it’s not “just hair”. It’s a glowing beacon, and it’s beautiful. As I say, there’s a price, but I don’t mind paying it.’

‘Can we drop this subject?’ she asked frostily.

‘If it bothers you to be told that you’re beautiful.’

‘This isn’t about me.’

‘What about your boyfriend with the spark plugs? Does he tell you that you’re beautiful?’

‘No, he says-’ She checked, wondering at herself. It was fatal to answer him.

‘Says what?’ Carson persisted.

‘That I’m reliable,’ she admitted unwillingly.

‘Oh, boy! He’s really sweeping you off your feet, isn’t he?’

Her lips twitched. ‘I am reliable.’

‘I’m sure you are, but as a loverlike tribute it lacks something, don’t you agree?’

‘Well, Dan is very much taken up with his business. In fact, he’s rather like you.’

‘He’s not at all like me,’ Carson muttered. ‘Are you in love with him?’

‘I-I’m not sure. I’ve known Dan for years. His mother taught me signing when I was a little girl. He was in and out of the house, and we became friends. He didn’t mind my being deaf. He was used to people like that.’

‘But what about now?’

‘How do you mean?’

‘You make him sound as though he was just a habit.’

‘Well, some habits can be very nice,’ she said defensively.

‘Sure they can. But don’t you want more?’

More, she thought. More than dear, dull, kindly, blinkered Dan?

She saw Carson watching her, and suddenly she felt self-conscious. There was something in his eyes that hadn’t been there before, something dark and uncontrollable. It ignored the restraints she’d built so carefully into her life. It was reckless and magical. It made her blood sing and her heart beat powerfully.

More.

‘I’ve never asked too much out of life,’ she said after a while. ‘Then you’re not disappointed.’

‘To hell with that! It’s a philosophy for cowards. Take risks. Be disappointed. Then pick yourself up and go on to the next thing.’

‘That’s your philosophy. But not everyone can live like you.’

‘Of course they can. There are no restraints except those you put on yourself.’ He checked himself suddenly. ‘Hell! I’m talking ignorant nonsense, aren’t I?’

‘A bit,’ Gina said, smiling.

‘For Joey, there are restraints he didn’t put there himself. And for you. Why do you let me go on spouting rubbish?’