Radclyffe: Love & Honor

She was surprised to feel Blair's hand move over to rest lightly on her knee. Drawing a breath, settling herself, she said, "Sorry. Continue."

Stark sat up straighter and reported smartly, "It came to our attention that Detective Sergeant Janet Aronson was married at one time."

"Yes, I know that," Cam agreed, her eyes never leaving Stark's. "It was well before I knew her, and she'd been divorced a number of years by the time she and I were involved. It wasn't something we spent any time talking about."

"Yes, ma'am, I understand. She was married to-"

"Another cop. Iknow all this," Cam said impatiently, but she was beginning to feel a tightening in her chest-a foreboding, as if there was something she should know, but didn't. Something she had missed. God, there were so many things she had done wrong with Janet.

Blair's fingers tightened briefly on Cams leg and then stroked softly in a small circle. The touch brought her back to the present, and she slid her own fingers fleetingly over her lover's. "I'm sorry. I...just go ahead."

"She wasn't married to anothercop , Commander, she was married to a federal agent. Patrick Doyle."

"Jesus." Cam stood abruptly and walked to the far side of the room. Her back to the group, she looked out over Gramercy Park, remembering Janet's face, and the look in her eyes the day she'd died. Without turning, she said, her voice rough with memory, "Maybe she said law enforcement and I just assumed it was another cop. I never asked... t didn't seem important, but..."

Nothing personal seemed important between us. We shared a bed and not much more. God, she deserved better.

From across the room, Blair watched Cam's back stiffen and her hands clench at her sides. She wanted to go to her, to put her arms around her and rest her cheek against her back. To hold her until the memories faded and the pain diminished. She couldn't, not because the people in the room were not her friends, but because this was the pain that Cam guarded and was not ready to share. Eventually, Blair hoped she would, and when she did-Blair would find a way to help her forgive herself.

After a minute, Cam returned to her seat. Her face was expressionless, her voice steady, when she said, "Well, if Doyle had been keeping any kind of track of her, he might have known about us. It's hard to keep anything secret in a cop shop. I'm sure he has friends with the DC police."

"That would certainly explain why he's always had it in for you," Mac noted.

"He wouldn't be alone," she said quietly. «A lot of people thought I should have been able to prevent what happened to her.

"It explains why if he came across something incidental about you in an investigative file, he might try to use it against you," Savard pointed out, her tone calm and matter-of-fact. She'd seen the pain flicker through Cameron Roberts' eyes, and she'd almostfelt Blair Powell's desperate desire to comfort her. She felt for both women, imaging how it would feel to have her own deepest secrets laid bare like this.

"Yes," Cam sighed, reaching for Blair's hand without realizing it. "I suppose it explains the photograph of me and the redhead in the bar-and possibly the one of Blair and me as well. If he's trying to sabotage my career, he's made a good start.

Mac swore and Cam gave him a quick smile. «It doesn't explain the photograph of Blair and Clmy previous companion, however."

"It does if he was going to hold it over your head," Stark asserted indignantly. "If he threatened to implicate Blair in something illegal or even just...unsavory, he'd have a pretty good screw in you."

"I suppose youre right." Cam rubbed her face with her free hand, the other lightly linked with Blairs on the sofa between them. «Anything else?

Stark and Savard shook their heads.

"Felicias still workingshe says shes getting closer," Mac offered desperately. When Cam had told him about the call from Carlisle and her imminent suspension, hed wanted to punch something. "Ive got some stuff on the reporter. Nothing much there, though."

"Can you guys give us a while, and then well regroup and see where we are?" Blair asked quietly. "Ill call you when were ready."

"Its okay", Cam murmured as her agents hastened to leave.

"No, its not", Blair answered just as softly. "But it will be."

*****

When the door closed behind the team members, Cam, still seated on the couch, dropped her head into her hands, her elbows braced on her knees.

"Ah, fuck," she said wearily. "Christ, I'm sorry."

Blair went to her side, sat close, and rested her left hand lightly on the small of Cam's back. The shirt was soaked with sweat even though the loft was cool. The anguish in Cam's voice was so rare, and so raw, she felt the edges of her own soul bleed.

"Cam," she said quietly, her fingers making small light circles over the tense muscles. "What are you sorry for?"

Without lifting her head, without turning toward her lover's soothing voice, Cam replied dully, "I'm sorry my past is causing trouble for you now. I had no idea... I can't believe Doyle and Janet... Jesus Christ."

"It's not your fault that Doyle is doing this, Cam," Blair said reasonably.

"If I'd been there for her, she might be alive," Cam said sharply, finally straightening, her anger whipping through her frame, making her tremble. "If I'd asked her about her assignment,cared about what she was doing...if I'd done more thandrop around when I needed...oh fuck, you don't need to hear this."

Cam got abruptly to her feet, desperately trying to regain control. She was tired, and the goddamn headache was back, and she was having trouble pushing the memories back where they belonged, behind the door that she kept locked and barricaded.

Blair reached for her lover's hand and said firmly, "Sit back down, Cameron."

For a second, Cam resisted, and then almost against her will, she did. Turning, she met Blair's eyes, her own clouded with regret. "I've made so many mistakes. With Janet, with you. It's bad enough that I got involved with you while I was on the detail. I never thought anyone would find out about the escort service, and before, when it was just me at risk, I didn't care. Now, I've pulled you into this and I'm sorry."

Blairs gaze never wavered. "I know you're tired, because I am, too. I have a feeling your concussion was a lot worse than we thought, because I can tell the pain is back now. I know youre worried about me. I know what it will mean to you if there's an inquiry and your competence is questioned. Iknow all those things, Cam." Blair paused a beat and then said in a strong, resolute voice, "But if youever apologize to me again for loving me, I'm going to tell you to leave...and not come back."

Cam's eyes widened and she jerked, feeling the invisible blow as surely as a fist. After a full minute she breathed, "Blair," and lifted her fingers to stroke the rigid line of Blair's tense jaw. "I'm not sorry for loving you. Loving you is the best thing Ive ever done in my life. I'm only sorry that my loving you has brought you pain."

"It hasn't-not once," Blair said softly, lifting her hand and closing her fingers over Cam's. "You're not to blame for Janet's death, and you're not at fault for being unable to prevent it. You're not always responsible, Cam, for what happens to other people. I know that's what makes you who you are, and I love you for it. But sometimes you have to let it go. If you dont, it's going to destroy you...or us."

"Ah, god." Cam's intake of breath was sharp. "I'd do anything not to lose you."

"Well, good." Blair drew her first full breath in many minutes, then smiled a bit tremulously. "Because I need you so very much."

Leaning forward, Cam kissed her mouth, gently at first and then with increasing urgency, a kiss heavy with possession and need. Blair's hands came to Cam's chest, then moved upward inside the collar of her shirt, to the back of her neck, insinuating her fingers into the thick dark hair, pulling her head closer, hungry for her. Minutes later when they pulled away from each other, both of them gasping, Blair moaned, "God, you make me ache inside."