Kim Karr - Torn

“I love you, Dahlia, I love every single thing about you. You’re perfect, really.” I can’t contain my smile. I haven’t heard him say that in so long and hearing the familiar words sends shivers up my spine.

“I missed you,” I whisper.

He smiles at me. “Tu m’as manqué.”

I look at him questioningly. I know he’s speaking French, but have no idea what he just said.

Tracing his finger around my lips he says, “Brigitte told me once that in France they don’t say I missed you, they say you were missing from me, and you were.”

I have to compose myself before placing a soft kiss on his lips and nuzzling his nose. That is the perfect way to say it. It’s how I have felt, too—like he was missing from me.

As I settle back in his arms, I think about how when we were together, there was no need for instant gratification because there were no doubts between us. We both knew we had the rest of our lives together. I kiss him again and close my eyes, laying my head on his chest. He strokes his fingers up and down my bare back and I feel myself fade. His soft tender voice awakens me. “Hey, when was the last time you ate?”

I playfully start biting his chest. “Well, I was planning on having you, but you stopped me.”

He laughs and it’s the first time I’ve heard that sound in a while. “No really, I want you to eat something.”

I look up at him with a wicked smile on my face.

“Food, Dahlia. Food.” Then he smirks his devilish grin and says with a wink, “Then you can have me for dessert.”

I sit up. “Do you think it’s too early for a grilled cheese, a chocolate milkshake, and French fries?”

Without answering he sits up and grabs the hotel room phone to call room service. “I’d like to order two chocolate milkshakes, two grilled cheeses, and two orders of fries, please.”

He slips his jeans on without boxers and I wrap myself in the hotel robe. The food arrives and we eat, dipping our fries in each other’s shakes. We alternate feeding each other and licking the shake off each other’s mouths. We laugh and have fun like we haven’t in what seems like forever.

Once we’ve finished eating we sit down and finally talk, and I mean we actually talk, we don’t yell, accuse, avoid, or blame.

He settles against the bed. “Okay, let’s do this.”

I nod in agreement as I sit at the foot of the bed.

Sighing, he drops his eyes. “Bell came over to see me as soon as you left Mom’s house. I know she told you everything.”

His eyes rise up to meet mine and he crawls down to me and lifts my chin. “First, you need to know how very sorry I am . . . how many times I tried to tell you . . . I just could never get the words out. I couldn’t hurt you like that.”

I close my eyes, his apology so sincere that pain pierces through my heart from the weight of the secret he kept, not just for me, but for him as well. The burden had to be almost unbearable. Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes and look at his gorgeous face for the longest time. Then I bring my lips to his and kiss him. It’s not a burning-with-desire kiss—it’s a kiss that lets him know he doesn’t have to apologize anymore. I understand. When we break away we smile at each other and he lets out a long sigh before moving back to where he was sitting.

“Bell’s pregnancy and decision to not keep the baby was really hard on all of us. Mom wanted her to keep it. Xander and I stayed out of it but we also knew she wasn’t ready to be a mother. But her decision to give up the baby was her own. I never voiced my opinion either way. I just told her I would be there for her. The day she had the baby she didn’t want to see it or to know if it was a boy or girl. Mom was in there with her and she saw the baby and held it just once. To this day, we never talk about it.”

Wiping my fingers under my eyes I think about what he just said. Regardless of the fact that Ben fathered that child, the situation was heartrending and I could only imagine how torn Bell was. That could not have been an easy decision to make.

“River, I called Ben and confronted him about the affair, but I didn’t tell him about the baby. I’ll never tell him about the baby. It’s not my place.”

He nods somberly, agreeing with me. He rakes his fingers through his hair and I can tell he has more to say.

“What is it?”

“There’s more. Bell is not the only reason I didn’t tell you. When he was dead I didn’t want to hurt you that way. It didn’t make sense, so I didn’t say anything. When he came back, when he was standing right there in front of us, I wasn’t sure if you’d go back to him. So I didn’t tell you, but this time it was because of me—I needed you to pick me because you wanted to be with me. Not because of how you’d feel about him when you found out.”

I’m not mad or angry with him for his admission; I had already let that go. Getting off the bed, I go sit next to him. I need to tell him how I feel. How I’ve always felt about him. I need to tell him what I should have all along. I never did because it felt wrong when Ben was dead—like if I said the words out loud Ben would hear me.

Cupping his cheeks I speak from my heart and divulge something I’ve never once said out loud. “River, it’s always been you. From the minute I saw you at the bar, I think it’s always been you. I never even set a wedding date with Ben and maybe that was why. Because you were the one for me, you are the one for me.”

After a moment passes, he sighs and brings me to his chest and just holds me, whispering, “Thank you.”

We stay that way until he dips his head to mine. “By the way, Bell probably isn’t speaking to me. I got really pissed when she told me she had talked to you.”

I allow one small smile and tell him, “I’m sure she’ll get over it, she’s used to your moods.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, I guess she is, and, besides, she’s so happy right now with her new job I don’t think she could stay mad at anybody for long.”

I smile big at that. Then I sit back on my knees. “I talked to Grace yesterday.”

He looks at me with concern. “How did it go?”

I smile. “Really well. We’re fine, more than fine. And after I talked to her I only wanted to come home and talk to you, but Ellie was there and I couldn’t face her. I was so upset to see her there again. I just knew it would piss me off to go inside and I wanted so much to talk to you without any anger. So that’s why I decided to go see Bell first and make sure she knew I wasn’t mad at her.”

He nods. “Ellie dropped by and I was in no mood for her crap, but she tried making one last-ditch effort to get me back on the tour, and when she knew it was a lost cause, she left and I waited for you to come home. I drove out to Laguna, couldn’t find you. Came home, found your phone in the closet, then stayed up all night. I called Aerie, even Caleb. Then I wrote a song to pass the time just not to go crazy.”

I start crying again. “I’m so sorry I didn’t call or come home. I wanted to. I have no idea why I didn’t.”

“Shh . . . don’t cry. We’re okay. We’re together now and nothing like that is ever going to happen again.”

Wiping my tears, I kiss him for a long while then break free and decide it’s time to talk about our jealousy. Ellie is easily put to rest and surprisingly so is Ben. He still half flinches when I say Ben’s name, but I don’t think that will ever pass and I’m okay with that.

River tells me, “Once I read the note you left me, I knew I had nothing to worry about, no reason to be jealous.”

He believes me and I believe him; we both trust each other because, after all, isn’t that what love is—knowing someone can crush you, but believing they never will, trusting them not to?