Theresa Paolo - (Never) Again

“Do we need to pick them up?” I asked, happy I would finally get to see them, but not thrilled it would take longer to get back to Josh.

“They’re renting a car when they land. And they have been calling you. They said it keeps going to voicemail.”

“What do you mean it keeps going to voicemail?” I reached into my purse and searched for my cell phone. It had a tendency to slip to the bottom. When I couldn’t find it there, I dumped the contents out on the floor.

“Where is it? It has to be here somewhere.” I could feel my patience waning. Zach must have heard it in my voice because he slid to the edge of the bed.

“When was the last time you had it?”

“Stay away from me with that thing,” I said, moving farther away from him.

“Really? Are you five? Like I said, it happens—get over it.”

“Whatever.” I didn’t mean to be such a bitch, but my cell phone was my link to the outside world. Who else had been trying to call me? Sadie? Prof. Mulligan? Joe? I didn’t call anybody when I found out. Zach was the only person other than my parents who knew where I was.

Sadie must have been freaking out. I didn’t even leave a note. And Joe must have been wondering where I was and if I was okay. I hadn’t even thought to call him. He had to be worried.

But even when I did find my phone, I was a bit nervous to talk to him. I’d just shared a bed with another guy. Not like anything happened, but still. I had looked for comfort from another guy—not him, my boyfriend.

I didn’t have time to think about it right now though. I would worry about it later. I had a bigger problem on hand—where the hell was my cell phone?

I picked up my planner and threw it behind me, followed by my makeup bag and sunglasses. I was about to toss my keys when Zach grabbed my hand.

“Calm down for two seconds and think. When was the last time you remember having it?”

“I don’t know.” I tried to pull my hand out of his grip, but I was no match for his strength.

“Think,” he said calmly. His tone helped me focus. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and searched my brain.

“I had it at school and when I got home,” I recalled.

“Okay, and after that?”

“I started watching TV and that’s when I saw the news. I panicked, grabbed my phone and dialed Josh’s number. When he didn’t answer I dropped the phone.”

“Did you pick it back up?” he asked.

“No.” I closed my eyes, remembering the moment my phone fell. “No, I didn’t. It’s in a bowl of milk on my coffee table.”

“Good place for it,” Zach said.

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, we can’t cry over spilt milk, now can we?” I shook my head at his poor attempt at humor.

“You’re an ass.” I pushed his shoulder, and our eyes caught. Suddenly it was as if the hotel room didn’t exist and we had been transported two years back in time to my bedroom.

His hair was different now and he was no longer that lanky, slightly awkward boy, but his eyes still held that same dark intensity. What I wouldn’t give for us to actually go back in time. Things were simpler then. Less complicated.

His eyes, filled with familiar desire, willed me towards him. His hand reached for my face, cupping my cheek as I moved closer. As my eyes began to close, I felt Zach’s hand holding me in place instead of guiding me to him.

“We should really get going,” he said, hanging his head down so when I opened my eyes I was looking at nothing but hair. It took a second for the words to sink in. To understand the ultimate burn he just bestowed upon me.

“Of course we should.” I jumped away, mortified, and not only because I obviously still wanted him, but because he obviously didn’t still want me.

He was the one that stopped calling. He was the one who hadn’t wanted to be with me. What made me think time would change anything? I was still the girl getting burned by the guy who never loved me as much I loved him.

“Lizzie,” Zach called out as I grabbed my clothes and walked away. “Where are you going?”

“Shower,” I said as I barreled into the bathroom and slammed the door.

I fought the tears. I hated that after everything that had happened, this guy still had the power to make me cry. You would think I would be able to accept it. Come to terms with it. But Zach had a direct connection to my heart and because of that, he was not only able to heal it, but destroy it. Time and time again.

The hot water steamed up the bathroom, coating the mirror. I shed my pajamas and stepped in, hoping to wash away the misery, the last twenty-four hours, and possibly even the year Zach and I had been together.

As the soap suds slid down my body to the drain, it was obvious that no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn’t wash away the memories. They were a part of me.

The porcelain was cold against my back as I leaned against the wall when my legs became too weak to hold me. And just when I thought I couldn’t possibly shed another tear, I started sobbing again.

I heard the knock on the door, but I was too consumed with the whirlwind of conflicting emotions.

“Lizzie, are you okay in there?” I ignored Zach’s words. I couldn’t face him. Not yet at least. I needed time to pull myself together—to show him that his rejection didn’t shatter me completely.

I couldn’t let him see how much his actions had affected me. How desperately I wanted to feel his lips on mine.

Thirty minutes later I finally emerged from the bathroom. My hair was up in a ponytail, I had on minimal makeup, and I was ready get out of that hotel room.

“It’s all yours,” I said, walking past Zach, ignoring the fact he was trying to stop me.

“Can we talk?” he called after me, but I was already out the door.

I didn’t know where I was going. It’s not like I knew the area. At night it had been sketchy-looking, but in the daylight it was just like any other hotel on a main strip of highway. I walked around to the main lobby and found a vending machine. The least I could do was bring back something to eat. If anything, it would show I wasn’t mad, and I was being mature about the whole thing.

I reached in my pocket and pulled out four singles as I scanned the contents behind the glass. After mulling over my options, I settled on two coffee cakes, a granola bar and a bottle of water we’d have to share.

Back in the room Zach was in the shower. I flipped on the TV and sat against the headboard. When he finally opened the door, I didn’t look at him, though from the corner of my eye I could see he wasn’t wearing a shirt. It made me think of the previous night, when I laid pressed against his chest.

“I got you a coffee cake and granola bar.” I threw the granola bar at him, still not letting my eyes settle on his.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Liz, I think we need—”

“Visiting hours are in a few minutes. We really should get going. I’ll go turn in the key and pay. I’ll meet you at the Jeep.” I walked out before he could say another word. The last thing I wanted to hear was a long explanation of why he didn’t want to be with me. I didn’t want his pity.

To my surprise, Zach had already paid for the room at check in. I turned in the key and stood against the Jeep, wondering if Josh would be drugged up again today, and if Mom would fall apart when she saw him.

At least my parents’ arrival would be a nice distraction. It would overshadow anything I felt for Zach, and maybe even help him forget about my momentary lapse in judgment. It was a mistake, and I just needed him to realize that.

So I avoided conversation. When he finally got in the Jeep I declared every song on the radio my favorite and continued to increase the volume with each one. When we got to the hospital, I walked ten steps ahead.