Theresa Paolo - (Never) Again

“This isn’t right,” I said, sitting down on the bed.

“No, it’s not,” Zach said, wiping the chocolate from his nose and licking his finger.

“That’s not what I meant. We’re here laughing and joking around as if nothing is wrong. But people lost their lives today. Families lost their kids. My brother is drugged up and lucky to be alive, but here we are having a grand old time.”

Zach sat down beside me and placed his hand on my knee. “Just because their lives stopped doesn’t mean yours has to.”

“How do you always know the right thing to say?” I looked into his eyes, not afraid of the intensity anymore.

“I don’t,” he said, and I rolled my eyes.

“No, you do,” I insisted.

“I’m going to let you in on a little secret.” He slid closer to me.

“And what’s that?”

“There is no secret. I don’t know the right thing to say any more than you do. For all I know, what I’m saying is utter bullshit. But sometimes bullshit is what you need. You know? And in all honesty, I just say what I’d want to hear given the situation.”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I leaned my head against him. Whether he knew it or not, he had said the right thing yet again.

I was sitting in a hotel room with the boy I used to love. The only problem was, now I remembered why I loved him.

It was the little things. Like when he sat with me for nine hours while I baked, too upset to come to terms with the fact my grandfather was dead. And when we were watching Titanic and he turned to me and said, “You jump, I jump,” and as corny as it was, and even though I burst out laughing, it meant something to me.

Zach was always doing the little things. And now, with the Easy Bake Oven, it was obvious that much hadn’t changed.

People change. We had both changed. That much was true. But was it possible for two people to change, yet still be perfect for each other?

Zach cleaned up our baking mess while I showered. He had even bought me a cute pajama set with pink flannel pants and a pink tank top. He got it all right. I still hadn’t even thanked him. But how was I supposed to? He went above and beyond with everything. A single word seemed pointless.

I pulled the pajama pants on and my mind drifted to that day when I woke to find Zach on the couch with Josh. It seemed like forever ago. I laughed at the thought of being mortified at my appearance. If I only knew then Zach would see me snot all over, I could have saved myself a lot of useless humiliation.

Zach was already set up on the floor when I emerged from the bathroom. Guilt poked at me like a nagging kid trying to get my attention. I ignored it. I couldn’t deny everything he had done but that didn’t mean I was going to let him in bed with me.

“Better?” he asked as I crossed the room and crawled into the bed.

“Better. You need another blanket or pillow?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Okay, goodnight then.” I reached over and turned the light off.

“Goodnight.”

Sleep sounded good. It was exactly what I needed, but as soon as the light turned off in the room, the one in my head sparked on. A million thoughts ran in circles in my brain and no matter how many times I tossed and turned, I couldn’t turn them off.

The woman from the hospital popped back into my head, and I relived the whole heartbreaking moment over and over again. I wondered if there was something I could have done. If I should have reached out to her? Spoken to her? Hugged her? There had to have been something I could have done. Anything. I didn’t notice the tears that slipped down my cheek. And didn’t even know I was crying until I felt Zach’s weight on the bed.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said, moving closer to me.

“I know. I just can’t stop crying.” I swiped at the tears, willing them to disappear.

“Come here,” he said, holding out his arms.

I moved until my back was pressed against his bare chest. His arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me closely into him. His body was warm and his presence made me feel safe. I knew he would protect me from any nightmares.

I focused on the warmth of his skin. The feel of his hand on my stomach and the smell of his cologne. Anything to keep the visions away. To keep me safe in my own mind.

“Zach,” I said, so low I wasn’t sure if I said it aloud or in my head.

“Yeah?” His breath was hot against my ear. I could smell mint from the toothpaste.

“Thanks.” Even if it was a pointless, the simple word needed to be said.

“Don’t mention it. Now try to go to sleep. I’m not going anywhere. And if you still need to cry, that’s okay too.” His arm tightened around my waist.

But my tears had dried. The urge to cry hadn’t rushed over me since Zach pulled me close. As long as he was there, I didn’t need to anymore. I turned in his arms to face him.

“I’m done crying,” I said with defiance.

“Good. Because I meant it when I said I hate seeing you cry. Makes me feel helpless, and I don’t like to be helpless.”

“You’re not,” I said, wiping away the last remains of tears from my cheeks.

“I felt like I was all day,” he said. “I wanted to make the tears stop. I wanted to take your pain away. Seeing you upset made me sick. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” His fingers moved across my forehead, tucking away the hair covering my face.

“I had you to go through it with. You made it better in a way that only you could have.” He didn’t respond with words. He kissed the top of my head and held me.

He could have made a move on me, taken total advantage of the situation. I was vulnerable. I wouldn’t have pushed him away or tried to stop him.

But he didn’t. He wouldn’t, because he was Zach. And whether I wanted to admit it or not, he cared about me. Just as I cared about him.

I awoke to Zach’s phone playing a horrendous noise that could only be from one of his video games. His arm still draped over me. He hadn’t let me go once through the whole night and I didn’t have one nightmare.

“Zach,” I said turning to get his attention when suddenly I felt something poke me in the back. “Oh my God!” I jumped from the bed. “Zach! What the hell!”

“What?” he asked in a sleepy and, I’m ashamed to admit, very sexy state.

I directed my eyes down.

“What?” he looked down at his boxer shorts then back at me, a cocky smile settling on his face. “It’s morning wood. It happens.”

“Ugh!” I rolled my eyes and stomped over to his phone and threw it at his head. His reflexes were good for someone who had just woken up and he caught it before it hit. “Your phone was ringing.”

He took the phone in his hand and scrolled to the missed calls. It was probably Tanya. Where had that come from? It was probably his mom.

“It was your parents. They left a message.” He held the phone to his ear.

“Why do they keep calling you and not me?” I asked but he ignored me as he listened intently.

He continued to listen as I paced back and forth. I hated that I couldn’t hear my parents’ voices on the other end and I really hated that every time I asked him what they were saying he waved his hand at me to shut up. Mom used to do that to me when I was a kid, and it drove me crazy. But this time it was worse because I knew what they were saying was important, and I just wanted to know what it was. I tried to ask again but I got another wave of the hand.

Finally, he hung up and dropped the phone on the nightstand.

“So?” I threw my hands up, waiting for his response.

“They got a flight. They’re boarding in fifteen minutes. They’ll be landing here by noon.”