Kerry Heavens - Still Human

“She saw you, Danny,” he says, more unsure of his argument now.

“No, she didn’t, ask her. She didn’t see me put a finger on her, because I didn’t. The only time I touched her was when I was shoving her out the door.” I shudder at the memory. “Ask her, please.”

“Why don’t you just leave her alone? She’s been hurt enough.”

“Because I love her and I’m going to get her back.”

“Oh really, you love her so much, you left it over a week to bother finding out why she left?”

“I was convinced she left because she didn’t want to marry me. I’ve been a real mess.”

“Why would she do that? She loved you.”

I sigh. I’ve been so stupid and selfish. “Because…” I hesitate. Outside of Jen and Scott, I’ve never discussed this with anyone and all of a sudden, my lifelong insecurities because of it seem so irrational. “Because, when we were kids and I was going away, I bought her a ring, I worked up the guts to propose to her, but before I could get the words out, she told me to go, she said I should make the most of the opportunity. She said it would be best for both of us. She must have known what I was going to do and was pushing me away so that I didn’t do it…I just thought she was doing it again.”

"You wanted to marry her?"

"Uh-huh. Then and now." I sigh.

“She didn’t know, mate. Trust me, I picked up the pieces after you left. She thought you didn’t fight hard enough, she wanted to go with you.”

"You're kidding me?" I can’t handle this. “I’m such an idiot,” I whisper.

“You’re telling me!” he sneers.

I think about what to do next. I have to talk to her.

“I have to get her back.” I think aloud.

“Please just leave her alone, she can’t handle any more heartache.” The thought of her so hurt is like a knife to the chest.

“Max, please, I’ve done nothing wrong. Please just ask her, I’m begging you.”

“I have to go.” He hangs up. Fuck! I slam my cell onto the bed. This can’t be happening. I have to get her to listen to me. I grab the cell again and select her name.

‘This is Liv, leave a message.’ Her cell is off, it didn’t even ring. I don’t leave a message, I wouldn’t know what to say.

I don’t know what to do now. On auto-pilot, I slowly gather myself up and drift to my truck. I find myself back at Jen’s store less than an hour after storming out.

“Danny?” Jen calls as I walk in from the back door. I sit down on the sofa with a bump and put my face in my hands. Jen has a customer, so I try to remain inconspicuous while she finishes up. Lost in my thoughts, I don’t notice her standing right in front of me. I jump at her proximity when I finally lift my face up to look around. I look up at her and hold her stare. She waits to hear what I have to say.

“She thinks I cheated on her with Brooke,” I say in barely more than a whisper.

Jen sits beside me and touches my arm. “I knew it.” She rolls her head back. “So did you explain?” she asks gently.

“I didn’t talk to her, I called Max.”

“You should talk to her.”

“Her cell is off, I tried.”

“Will Max talk to her for you?”

“I don’t think he believed me, he hung up.”

“Shit.”

“What do I do?”.

“We should look at flights,” she says, opening her laptop. While we wait for it to load up, she strokes my back. My face is in my hands again. How did I let it get this far? I’m so fucking stupid.

While I mope on the sofa, Jen has a look at flights for me, but we both agree I should try to make contact again before charging in. If Max doesn’t believe me, I could be opening myself up to some pretty serious wrath. Given the week I’ve had so far, I could really do without getting my neck broken. I’ve tried her cell again, but it’s still off. The phone at the flat just rings out, she must have switched off the machine and I wouldn't want to leave a message when there is so much to say. I could call the diner, but I don’t think it’s fair to do this to her at work. So I try Max again.

Prepared to leave a message, I’m shocked when he answers.

“Did you talk to her?” I ask, hopeful that he might have had enough faith in me to at least ask the question.

“Yeah, I did,” he says in a hushed tone. “So what are you going to do?” he asks, reluctant to admit that he believes me for fear of betraying his friend, but certainly with a slight change of tune.

“I have to talk to her and I can’t get through, so I’m looking at flights.”

“I have her phone, she threw it away. I doubt she’ll see you.”

“What do you suggest then?”

“Give me a few days with her. I’ll keep in touch.”

“Stay here you mean?”

“I think it’s best. If you push her now, you might blow it for good.” Then there is a loud crash on his end of the line “Fuck, Liv!” he yells and then the line goes dead.

“Max?” What the hell just happened? “MAX?” I yell.

“What?” says Jen when she sees my expression.

“I don’t know,” I say quietly. “But I think something just happened to Liv.”

I’ve survived the Connie onslaught. She was easier to deal with than I expected mainly due to the fact that she feels responsible. She revealed to me that she contacted Danny in the first place. I was furious. For a few days, I was so angry I could hardly talk to her, but then I realised that I was just disappointed. It was just more proof that Danny didn’t really love me, he didn’t contact me without a push. Connie and I are okay now, I can’t stay angry with her.

I’ve spoken to Mum and persuaded her to stay in LA because Grace needs her far more than I do. She’s promised me that she won’t get involved and go and see Danny. I’ve even left the phone plugged in upstairs so that she can call me, she was pretty pissed off that I cut myself off completely. The problem is, I dread going back up there now. I’ve no idea if, when, or how many times Danny has called me since I left, but now he could leave a message if he wanted to. He hasn't reached me on my mobile because I threw it away, it’s full of messages and photos I can’t face. Who needs a mobile anyway?

But still, it has been eerily quiet since I got back. I was expecting more of a fight, he didn't know I saw them together, so he can't have known why I left so suddenly. He must have been worried, frantic even. The fact that he didn’t follow me is both a relief and a crushing disappointment. I don’t want to see him or listen to anything he has to say, but he hasn’t even tried to fight for us…again. This just proves it was all me again, like it was before.

Work has been thankfully busy and the new furniture for the garden arrives tomorrow, so I’m getting everything ready. I decided to close the outside area this week and we have cleared all the furniture out. I’m spending the day jet washing, which is very therapeutic and everyone is leaving me alone to get on with it. It’s just what I need. But there is so much to do and now there is one less pair of hands to help me do it. He was going to put up the canopy of fairy lights for me. But it looks like Max and I will be up the ladders.

Soaking wet from jet washing, I pop upstairs to change. The light on my phone is blinking. I bloody knew it, I should have left it unplugged. It could be Mum and if it is and I don’t reply, I’ll get another bollocking. Shaking my head, I go and turn the shower on. I need to get out of these wet clothes. But I can’t leave it and I have to go and listen to the message. I can’t help myself, this is why I left it unplugged, what if I’d been here, answered it and it was him? I can’t trust myself to be strong, but I press the button anyway.