Kerry Heavens - Still Human

We make Scott do all the donkey work after breakfast; it’s only fair that he cleans up. Jen and I poke fun at him for our own amusement, from where we sit in the garden.

“I’m just not used to seeing him this alert on a Saturday morning,” I tease.

“We went for a walk on the beach this morning,” Jen says with a knowing look. “We had stuff to talk about.”

“And?” I ask, knowing full well the subject they needed to discuss. They have been back and forth all week on this sperm donor thing. I know Jen is terrified, but Scott sees it as no big deal and just wants to get on with it. I really admire the guy; hell, it’s quite a dent in the old masculinity. But as far as he is concerned, it’s just a blip. Any child that is conceived as a result would be his and his alone. Jen has just read one bad example and it has her all in knots. She’s worried that Scott won’t feel connected to the baby and she’ll be left all alone. That just wouldn’t happen.

Scott joins us just then and they smile at each other. “I talked her around,” Scott says, never taking his eyes off Jen as he sits beside her. God, he loves her.

“That’s great!’ I exclaim and put my arms around Jen lifting her slightly out of her chair. “So what happens now?”

“Well…we start looking,” she says with a nervous smile. “It’s a long process and we need a few months to figure out my ovulation issues.”

Okay, here goes. I can’t handle any more rejection this week. “I don’t know the best way to approach this,” I say, looking them in the eye in turn. “But, when you’re ready, I was hoping you would consider me.”

Silence descends on the garden.

I fidget in my seat. “Okay, I can see you guys are having a hard time processing what I’ve just said, but I’ve done a lot of research.” I waffle through the awkward silence, while jogging into the kitchen. From the bag on the counter I produce a wad of papers. “I’ve looked into ways to do this sort of thing and it seems like people do it all the time.” I pause for breath and lay the pages on the table. Waiting nervously to see who speaks first, I feel like I’ve crossed a line and it could go either way. Have I just wrecked my closest friendship? It wouldn’t surprise me, I seem to be on a roll.

Scott looks at Jen and after a moment smiles. They both smile.

“What?” I ask.

“The thing is, when we talked this morning, we said it was a shame we can’t ask you.” Jen giggles.

I watch them for a moment, “So you would consider it?” I ask.

“Yeah,” replies Scott. “I think we would.” He looks to Jen for some indication of where she stands on the issue.

“Really?” I say. I thought they would reject the idea outright.

"Um, yeah." Jen nods slowly. “I mean, we would have a lot to discuss, but if we could all agree, you would be my first choice.”

I grin. This is amazing. From the very first day that they thought they might be having problems, I’ve thought about offering to help them. But when we found out that the problem was mainly with Scott and I could indeed do something productive, I had to re-think. I was with Liv, moving to England and was planning to start a family of my own. I would do anything to secure Jen’s happiness, but when I thought Liv and I had a future, I thought it would be too much to expect her to accept my idea.

But that is all off the table now and even if I’m able to dust myself off and find a new future, it will be a long way off. I want to do this. I want to invest in something really worthwhile. They will be great parents and I could be a part of it.

“That’s so cool,” I murmur, almost to myself. My spirits lifted by this show of faith from my dearest friends. Then something occurs to me… “But why couldn’t you ask me?”

Scott frowns. “It’s a lot to ask. You can’t just go crashing in, asking your best buddy to father your child.” He laughs.

“And you’re not in the best place right now,” Jen adds.

“I’ve thought about this for months, guys.” I’m keen to assure them that this is not a knee-jerk reaction to the break-up. “And we could do it on whatever terms suit you. There are several ways.”

“I know, I’ve been reading up too,” says Scott.

“We can do it through all the legal channels. I don’t want it to come between us in any way. I just want you two to be parents.” I look to Scott. “I know this is hard on you and I don’t want to make you feel worse by offering…”

Scott shrugs. “Hey, if we need a donor, we need a donor. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather ask.”

“Me too,” agrees Jen.

“Well, I think you two should talk it all through, I’ll leave it with you and when you decide, I’m here…and if you decide to go another way, I’ll still be here.” I’m relieved that went well, but I think they should talk about it together now, so I change the subject.

After I left them to discuss everything on Saturday, I took the Shelby out for a drive. If things had gone how I planned, I may never have driven her again, so I thought it would be nice to give her a run out. Santa Barbra and back took up a nice portion of the day, but I had to play music loud because I didn’t want Liv in my head. When I got home, I slept for a couple of hours then threw myself straight into an all-nighter. Hardly sleeping, bar a few naps for a couple of days paid off, because when I finally stopped working early Sunday morning, I was so tired, I slept all day. I either need to be really busy, or so dog tired I can actually sleep; it’s the only way I can survive right now. After another full-on night last night, I was just finishing up when I got a message from Jen.

‘Breakfast before you go to bed? Jx’

I had to laugh, she knows me too well. So, after picking up coffee and bagels from the deli, I pull in behind the store.

“Hey!” she says looking up from her laptop.

“Hey yourself,” I say, flopping down on the sofa beside her and kissing her cheek while she finishes typing.

“Did you bring me a bagel?” she asks excitedly, recognising the bag I’m holding.

“Yeah, but they ran out of Lox.” I tease. I got her usual, Lox, cream cheese, tomatoes and onions. But I always make out that they only had peanut butter left in the whole place. It isn’t a funny joke, but I can’t not do it.

“Shame,” she says, grabbing the bag and whipping out her favorite breakfast. She has bitten a chunk out of if before I can protest and I have to snatch the bag back, before she devours mine too. “So…” she says through a mouthful of bagel. “How’ve you been?”

“I’m fine.” I bite into my bagel so that I don’t have to elaborate. “What about you?” I ask as I finish chewing, to turn the tables.

“Great thanks, you left us with a lot to think about Saturday and I wanted to see you, to talk it through.”

I wait, but she says nothing. “So?” I ask after a long enough pause. She's doing it on purpose.

She takes a deep breath. “Well it’s a huge decision,” she says. “We’re both blown away by your offer and we really want to take you up on it, but there are a few things to discuss first.”

“I’ll sign anything you want me to sign. I don’t want either of you worrying that I’ll decide I want a say, or access or something. I just want to be Uncle Danny.” I babble, this has all been whizzing around my head and sounds too rehearsed now.

“Oh, I know, that’s not my concern,” she says, putting her hand on my knee.

“Is it Scott?” I ask. “This was what I was most afraid of.”

She looks puzzled. “What about Scott?”

“Well he can’t…you know… and I can. Or at least I assume I can.” I mumble. “I just don’t want him feeling inadequate, especially against me.”