Alla Kar: Stroke Of Fear

“Tanner. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about all of this. I know her dying was a lot on you. It was a lot on everyone. But, it’s okay to move on. It’s okay to look for someone else. It’s almost been a year—”

I screw my eyes shut and hold onto the top of my tailgate, looking down at my boots. “Stop, Momma. I don’t want to talk ‘bout it, please.”

“I’m just worried about you. You moved out there all by yourself—”

“I’m not by myself. I’m with David. I’m with family.”

She huffs. “You know better. Stop interrupting me. I’m worried about you. You haven’t been the same since it happened. You may want to think about seeing a counselor. Someone to talk to?”

Fuck. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Not Momma. Not Austin. Not David. No one. I want to drown myself in alcohol and erase the pain. “I’ll think about it,” I lie.

She is quiet for a long while on the other end. “Okay. I’m going to go watch some TV before bed. Please, get some rest. Go kiss a girl. Screw her, son! I don’t care. Just…please live again.” She hangs up without even a goodbye.

Pain erupts from my chest, and I throw my phone as hard as I can. It crashes somewhere in the grass off to the side of my truck. Bending over, I try to catch my breath with my hands on my knees.

Why did she even have to bring it up? I’d promised myself I’d keep it locked away. Away from anyone that could see it.

Rubbing my hands over my face, I straighten up. The dull ache in my chest is growing, consuming me like it used to. “Goddamn,” I mumble. Her brown eyes. Her tanned skin. Fuck . I slam my hands against my pickup.

I stomp toward the cab of my truck and open the glove box. The small flask is shoved under my insurance papers. I stick it in my back jeans pocket and slam the door. Snapping up my fishing pole, I start back toward my cabin.

The lights are off in all of the cabins except for ours. The sound of the TV is light from the outside. Eric’s back already. Must have been a quickie.

Eric is splayed on his bed when I walk in. He pops his head up to get a better look at me. His hair is wet and I don’t even want to know why. “Where you been?” He wiggles his eyebrows.

I snort. “Talking to my mom.”

“Not sexy, bro.”

I stash my fishing pole underneath my bed. “I wasn’t tryin’ to be, bro .”

“What’s up your ass?”

I fist my shirt and pull it over my head. Tossing the flask on my bed, I slide out of my shoes. “I’m just tired. I need to go to sleep.”

Eric eyes the flask on my bed. “Is that going to help you sleep?”

I set my jaw, turning to face him.

“Sorry,” Eric says in surrender. “I’m not going to tell. But do you want to talk about it? I mean…I can listen.”

I shake my head. “No.”

Eric stares at me for a second before turning back toward his TV. Grabbing my flask, I walk back to our small shower and lock the door. I turn the shower on and wait until it heats up, then I strip. The mirror is starting to fog, but I can see my face through it. That’s how my life feels. I’m here, just masked by the pain. I know it’s time to let go, but it’s easier said than done. With flask in hand, I step into the scorching water. It feels like heaven on my skin. It feels real . It hurts, but I know I’m still here. I haven’t felt anything since I touched Aubrey. It scares me. Her soft flesh against mine, even dying she looked amazing. The cloth of her T-shirt fit just right to her tits, showing me every curve of her body. A body that made me feel alive. I wanted to cover that body with my own and lick every inch.

Tipping the flask back, I swallow a gulp of hard liquor. I don’t even remember what I put in here. My adrenaline races through me. All I can see is her. Not Amanda. Not the girl I loved. Not the one that death stole from me. But Aubrey. The girl I meet two days ago. The girl I saved . The girl who hasn’t left my thoughts.

Pressing my face against the shower wall, I wrap my hand around my dick. The pain is haunting me. You shouldn’t be doing this. Not to another girl . But, I can’t help it. I stroke myself up and down, imagining her full lips wrapped around me, taking me in her throat—the moans I can imagine her letting out as her nails dig into me.

Goddamn. Every cell in my body seems to be on edge. I want her. Need her. Why? I have no fucking idea. She slapped the shit out of me, and I want it again. I want her flustered. Underneath me. Only two fucking days and I want her.

My release comes a few minutes later, washing down the drain. Once I grab my flask from the side, I down the rest of the cool brown liquid.

“Get it together, Tanner,” I rasp. “Get it the fuck together.”

Aubrey

“Well, we now know that breakfast is beast. All the bacon you can eat,” Cassie says, kicking up a tornado of dust with her shoe. “So, you have canoeing with Jake…” she trails off. She doesn’t need to say anything else. I know what’s she’s getting at.

“Don’t remind me,” I say, pulling at my ponytail. I actually tried to look decent today. Well, as decent as you can in a blue polo and khaki shorts. At least there isn’t a length requirement. “It’s going to be a long ass day.”

Cassie wraps her arm around me and pulls me closer. “It’s going to be a great day,” she says, showing her white teeth. “You’re going to go kick ass at every activity and then go make-out and fondle someone behind a tree. It’s exhilarating.”

I snort. “That’s what you’re going to be doing, Cassie. Not me. And I know you took a shower with him. I heard you two laughing.”

A devilish grin rides up her face. “I like to live on the wild side. Oh, speaking of, Tanner caught us making out last night.”

Hearing his name makes my stomach tighten. I know it shouldn’t—I met the guy two days ago—but, it does. “What was he doing out that late?”

“Why? You want to sneak out to meet him tonight?”

Rolling my eyes, I push my shoulder against hers. “No, just curious. It freaks me out that all the counselors are walking around outside at night. It’s creepy.”

“ Puh-lease ,” Cassie says. “You like him. I know it. And you’re gonna get some Tanner loving before the summer is up.”

“Don’t hold your breath. I’ll see you later. I’m going this way.”

She runs off screaming, “Aubrey’s gonna get laid!” Damn her.

The lake is toward the back of the camp, behind a shitload of trees. It’s a pretty big lake. I have no intention of getting in the water with the campers. Jake can do it. I’ll get them in line and ready, but I’m not stepping foot into that water. When the trees start to dwindle down, I see Jake standing on the dock. His back is toward me, but I know it’s him.

Then an arm snakes around his waist. What. The. Fuck . My stomach feels like it’s falling from my body. A small girl with, from what I can tell, a huge rack is staring up at him. He runs his fingers through her hair . Fucking bastard.

Anger isn’t even the fucking word. Did he not come beg me to be with him last night? Had we not come to the conclusion we were going to give it some time and then try again? I guess this is his way of giving it some time. Fucking other girls.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I push toward them. My legs are shaking but I march forward anyway. They don’t see me until I’m standing on the dock with them. Jake drops his hand and then girl pouts up at him.

“Aubrey, baby…what’s going on? You’re early.” He looks at his watch and gives me a small fake laugh.