Lisa Desrochers - A Little Too Much

His hand slips to my ass as the train whooshes into the station, and if he’s not careful, everyone on the E train is going to get a show.

I WALK INTO the 115th-Street library determined not to be scared anymore. And when I look around, I see there’s no reason to be. The gang’s all here, except Mike.

Nathan smiles from across the circle and gives me a little wave.

“Irish! Long time no see!” Quinn shouts. “How’s our resident celebrity?”

“Way to steal her thunder, Quinn,” Nathan says.

I stop in my tracks. “How did you hear?”

He winks. “An old guy like me knows people.”

I step into the circle and Quinn wraps me in a bear hug. “I’m proud of you, Irish,” he says lower, just for me.

“Thanks, Quinn.”

“We’ve got a celebrity in the house!” he announces to the group, clapping me on the back. “Irish is getting ready to take Broadway by storm.”

“Off-Broadway,” I mutter, embarrassed.

“Tell everyone about your role.”

“The production is called Don’t Look Back , and it’s opening at Theatre Row in April. It’s a contemp about two sisters who have . . . issues. I’m Rene, the younger sister. Our mom is kind of psycho and I’m her favorite, which seriously screwed up my older sister. We basically hate each other at the beginning because we’re so different, but then our mom dies and we’re stuck together going through all her stuff, and we figure out that we’re really exactly the same.”

“And she’s comping us all tickets!” Kamara shouts.

“I will if I can,” I say, and it’s true. Being part of this group is what has kept me going for the last two years. They’ve kept me from giving up.

“Nah,” Vee says. “She’ll get all famous and won’t remember we exist.”

“I won’t. As long as you let me, I want to keep coming.”

Quinn smiles. “You’ll always be welcome here. And I think, in celebration, we need a reprisal of one of your most challenging roles.” He looks at Nathan. “You ready, Prince Phillip?”

Nathan smiles and stands as I grumble, “Oh, no.”

Quinn pulls me up by the arm. “Show us what you got, hot shot.”

I meet Nathan in the middle of the circle. “Where’s Mike?” I ask so only he hears.

He leans close to my ear. “I told the asshole to take a hike.”

“Thanks.” I take a breath. “So, you ready?”

He nods and flashes me a wily smile. “You own this prissy little bitch.”

I laugh and launch into Aurora. And I let all my soft spots show.

I always thought being strong meant pushing everyone else out and never showing weakness. What being with Alessandro has taught me is that strength is really putting yourself out there and not hiding who you are. We’ve talked a lot about our time together at the group home. He’s reminded me of the endless conversations we had. I’d forgotten how much I told him, but I’m glad I did. After everything that happened I wanted to forget myself. Talking to him has reminded me of who I really am.

I want to be that person again . . . the person who dares to believe that things might just work out. The person who dares to let people really see her, the good and the bad. The person who dares to live her life without being afraid. Without hiding that fear behind sharp edges that will cut anyone who gets too close.

I think Quinn knew that, when I filed down all the sharp edges and I let the real me show, I wouldn’t be scared anymore. He was right.

IT’S THE END of April. The first really warm day of the year. I pull out a black-and-white halter dress that I love but haven’t seen since August. They say it’s only supposed to hit seventy today, so it might still be a little cool for it, but I don’t care. I feel like I’m coming out of a long, dark tunnel, and damn if I’m not going to bask in the sun.

I Frizz-Ease my hair and spiral it around my fingers, then brush on mascara and call it good. Alessandro called me at ugly o’clock this morning because he knew, rightfully, that’d I’d oversleep my alarm, so now I’m late.

He’s making breakfast before we go to the youth center, and I promised him I’d be at his apartment by eleven.

Tomorrow is his birthday and I want to think of something truly amazing to do for him, but so far I haven’t been able to come up with anything. On my birthday, last month, he took me on a posh dinner cruise around the harbor. It was beautiful and magical and we danced all night to the jazz band under the New York skyline. There’s nothing I could do for him that would compare.

I hurry to the subway and when I get to Alessandro’s new apartment, I’m only fifteen minutes late, which by my clock is on time. His studio in the West Village got snapped up right after he left for Corsica, but he found a sublet from someone at St. Veronica’s. It’s totally boring compared to his old place.

He buzzes me up and when he opens his apartment door, the breakfast smells wafting into the hall make my mouth water. But the look in his eyes makes me hungry in a whole different way. He pulls me through the door, and before it’s even closed, his mouth is attacking mine. I kiss him back and start on the buttons of his shirt, but he takes my hand and weaves his fingers into mine. “If you were here fifteen minutes ago . . .” he says with a teasing smile and a raised eyebrow.

I roll my eyes and blow out a frustrated breath.

He kisses me again, a soft brush of his lips across mine. “I missed you last night.”

“Me too.”

I’ve been spending a lot of time at Alessandro’s apartment over the last two months, but I also really like living with Jess, so I try to split my time. Last night we went out for girls’ night, which meant just the two of us. I took her to Filthy’s because, believe it or not, now that I’m not working there anymore, I kind of miss the place. We hung out and drank and just let loose. I almost fell off my stool laughing when Jerry hit on her.

Alessandro turns for the kitchen and I follow. As he starts scooping some egg dish from a pan onto a plate, I look down and see a wedding invitation on the counter. Next to it is a hand written note.

Dear Alessandro,

It was so good to hear from you, and thanks for sending your address. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I saw you last. I think about the time we spent together in Rome often. It seems like just yesterday.

I hope being back in New York is bringing you the peace you deserve. It’s amazing that you were able to find Hilary again after all these years. I’ve prayed everyday you would find contentment in this world and I can’t even tell you how it makes me feel to know how happy she makes you. She sounds amazing. I hope one day I can meet her.

Trent and I were planning to wait until next year to get married, but an amazing opportunity for a paid internship came up at a children’s museum in England. Since we’re not willing to live apart, and our parents don’t want us living in sin, we’ve moved the wedding up to this summer, after graduation. All the information is enclosed. I hope you and Hilary can make it.

I hope your family is well and your mother is continuing to improve. Say hello for me next time you talk to them. Please take care of yourself, and keep in touch. I miss you.

Love,

Lexie

“She misses you,” I say when I look up and find Alessandro watching me.

“And I miss her too.”

“But you don’t still love her.”

He moves the few feet to the table and sets our plates down. “She helped me at a time in my life when I didn’t know I was in need of help. She was the shot of reality that I needed to finally understand the priesthood wasn’t where I belonged.”