E. Blair - Falling

“Speaking of having everything under control,” Traci says to Max as she picks up Bennett and hands him over. “Why don’t you take care of this issue your son has in his pants?”

“You think you’re funny, don’t you?”

She pats him on the back and mocks, “Try to control the gagging this time, huh?”

He plants a kiss on Traci’s nose, and I follow him back to the nursery. I take a front row seat in the rocker as Max lays Bennett on the changing table.

“Dear Jesus!” he says in utter disgust when he peels the diaper off, and it only takes a second for the stench to hit me.

“Ugh! What the hell is that?”

Before Max can say anything, the baby rips out another rancid fart.

“For the love of God!” Max says, and I have to clutch my stomach because I’m laughing so hard at the visual of him being taken down by his own baby, one fart after another.

Max tries holding on to his tiny ankles, when he farts again.

“Dude,” he snaps at me. “He’s shitting everywhere. Traci!”

“Oh my God,” I laugh out. “I’m dying.”

“ You’re dying. This shit’s right in front of my face.”

“What is going on in here?” Traci exclaims when she walks in.

“Honey, there’s poop all over me!”

“You boys are ridiculous,” my mom says when she takes Max’s place and starts cleaning Bennett.

“Donna, let me take care of that,” Traci says.

“No worries. You go sit and relax,” she tells her. “And you boys get out of here,” she scolds as if we’re kids and not grown men.

Once Bennett is cleaned up and changed, my mom returns to the living room and lays him on the couch between her and Traci. As she’s rubbing his belly, Traci kicks her feet up on the ottoman and leans back into the couch, laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Max asks when he returns with a clean shirt.

“You.”

“Why is it that every time I change him, it winds up in a fiasco, but when you do it, it’s just a simple pee diaper?”

“Payback for me having to be pregnant.”

We continue to hang out and when Bennett falls asleep, we say goodbye and head out.

I’ve been anxious all day, knowing that tonight is Candace’s production. I feel weird about going, almost like some kind of voyeur, but I couldn’t miss seeing her dance on stage. I have only seen her in a couple of videos she had once shown me.

The whole time we were together, she was preparing for this night, so to finally have it here is bittersweet because I always thought I would be there with her. I should have wrapped her legs up last night in her crazy Saran Wrap. I should have been watching her walk around my loft all day, a neurotic nervous mess, helping her stretch and rub out her calves that had been bothering her, staring at her while she stood in the bathroom as she put her hair up in a bun with all those tiny hair pins.

This day should have been completely different; instead, I’ve been walking around with a knot in my stomach. I haven’t seen her in a long time, and I’m not sure how tonight is going to affect me, but I have to see her.

“You ready?” my mom asks when she walks down the hall.

“Why don’t you go on without me?” I suggest. I just think I should be alone tonight when I go. It’s definitely not something I want to do with my mother right next to me.

Without a single question, she walks over and runs her hand down my arm as I stand, leaning up against the windows in the living room. “Of course.”

When she turns to walk out, I stop her and say, “Mom . . .”

“Yes?”

“You look really nice.”

“Thanks, dear. I’ll see you later.”

Leaning back against the windows, I look out at the darkened night sky and decide that after tonight, I have to be done. I can’t keep questioning and wishing things were different. They aren’t, and enough time has passed to know that she isn’t coming back.

When I arrive at Meany Theater, most everyone is already in their seats, quietly holding their personal conversations. The theater is large with seating up in the balcony. The curtain is dropped, and I look at the program to see which numbers she will be in. She’s one of the two featured dancers, so she’ll appear throughout the night. I feel so disconnected even though we are probably closer tonight than we’ve been in a while, knowing she’s in the same building as me.

She’s in the opening number, so I quietly stand in the back of the room when the curtain draws up. The stage is filled with girls who all look the same, hair pinned up, short white tutus. It isn’t until after the music has already started that I see her.

God, she’s beautiful.

She’s the only one wearing purple, standing out from all the others as she dances in front of the other girls. I’ve only ever seen her in leotards and tattered warm-ups. Never like this. She fits the part perfectly. Stoic and polished. Graceful and soft. And even on a stage filled with other dancers, she’s all my eyes can see, captivating me in a way that only she can do. No one else exists in this room right now—it’s only her.

But it isn’t until her solo when it hits me. She stands center stage as the curtain goes up, and chills prick along my arms. She’s perfection, wearing black with a short, full tutu, pale pink tights, and her pink toe shoes. Her skin is a striking contrast to the black, and she looks amazing. She isn’t someone you simply look at; she’s someone you admire.

I know her music by heart from all the times she played it at my place. It’s a dark and intense piece that she struggled with for so long, but watching her work the whole stage, she’s nothing but a natural as she bares her heart up there, making me feel the haunting pain of the piece. She gives it all, up on her toes, gliding through her movements. It almost hurts to look at her because I know this will be the last time I will probably ever see her. I can’t take my eyes off her. I don’t ever want to.

I’d hide back here forever if it meant I wouldn’t have to stop looking at her. As tiny as she is, she made the biggest impact on me. I’ve never loved as hard as I did with her. I don’t know how anyone could ever love her more. With everything we went through to get to the point we were at, knitted so tightly together, I never thought there could be a possibility of us unraveling like we did. But we did.

I don’t blame her though. She hasn’t made a wrong choice yet. I know she left me because it was the best thing for her. I talk to Jase often about her, and knowing how hard she’s working in therapy, I know she wouldn’t be doing that if she were still with me. She needed to be on her own. To do it for herself and not just because it was something I wanted. I’m proud of her, and even though it hurts me, I know she’s doing everything right to try and pull herself out of the darkness that was consuming her.

The crowd is deafening when the music stops, and I finally see it. Her big, gorgeous smile with that cute dimple in her cheek. She soaks up the standing ovation, as she should, because she deserves every second of this. She’s elated. I can see it in her eyes, even from this far away. Her instructor walks out with a huge bouquet of roses and hands them to her as she takes her final curtsey before the curtain drops, taking her away from me.

The pain hits hard as I blink back the tears. I’ll never want to see her any other way than what I just did. That’s the image I want in my mind. My girl, not a tormented thought in her head. Happy, free, and on top of the world. Filled with nothing but joy. She has a couple more numbers to dance, but I take what I just saw because nothing could possibly be better. She gave me perfection, and I decide to leave with that as I walk out, leaving a huge piece of my heart in that theater.