E. Blair - Falling

Moving at the speed we are, it doesn’t take long for both of us to come, and when I roll off of her, I pull her close to me and cling to her, hating what we just did. My chest is heavy, and my throat is achingly tight. I reach down and find her hand, locking my fingers with hers.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers on a broken voice. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

And even though I never want to do that again, I would if it was really what she needed, so I tell her, “Don’t be. You take whatever you need from me,” because I’d give it all no matter how much it hurt me just to take away an ounce of her pain.

Waking in the middle of the night, I open my eyes to see light filtering from underneath the bathroom door. Candace isn’t in bed with me, and when I walk over to the closed door, I can hear her soft cries on the other side. Slowly, I open the door to find her sitting on the edge of the tub with her head in her hands.

Kneeling down in front of her, I rest my hands on her legs. She doesn’t respond to my presence, she just keeps her face covered as she tries to control the sobs that are breaking through.

“Talk to me, baby. Please.”

“It’s . . . I just, I can’t get it out of my head now.” When she lets her hands fall, her eyes are so swollen and red. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Her wrecked voice penetrates me, and I feel my throat begin to restrict again as I fight my own tears back.

“I’m so sorry,” I release on a hard breath. “I’m sorry I lost it like that and scared you.” I pause for a moment, and then admit, “I scared myself.”

She catches her breath and looks at me. She’s worn out, but I continue to talk.

“I wanted to kill him.” Those are the words that break me and cause the tears to escape. “I would have killed him if it weren’t for Max pulling me off of him. I’ve only wanted to kill one other person in my life, and he’s dead. And now I wonder if I’m turning into him.”

When I drop my head onto her lap, she lifts it back up and holds my face in her hands as she says through her tears, “You’re nothing like him. I don’t have any doubt about saying that. And I’m not scared of you. I never have been.”

“I completely lost control. Wasn’t even fully aware of what I was doing.”

She slides off the edge of the tub and onto the floor with me as we wrap each other up in our arms.

“I wasn’t scared of you, Ryan. I was just so scared of losing you,” she cries. “I was afraid you’d kill him and I wouldn’t have you.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry. But I’m here. I swear you’re not gonna lose me,” I assure her. “I promise you that he will never step foot in my bar again.”

We cling to each other, and when we both calm down, she softly says, “I’m sorry about earlier. I just . . . I wasn’t thinking.”

“Don’t be sorry, babe. I love you. I’d give you just about anything if you asked me for it.”

“It was wrong. Selfish.”

Brushing the hair off of her face, I tell her, “Do you know how much I love you?”

“Hmm,” she hums.

“You don’t ever have to worry about me because I’ve never wanted anyone the way I do you.”

She kisses me, and I linger in it before picking her up and taking her back to bed. I can’t help the worry that still consumes me. I wonder how she’s going to feel about everything when she wakes up. I can only hope that tonight doesn’t have a lasting impact on her because I feel like she was just starting to come out of herself. But all I can do tonight is hold on to her, hold on to my hope.

Waking up, I roll over to Candace but she isn’t here. The bed is empty, and when I look over to the bathroom, the door is wide open and the lights are off. She’s probably downstairs drinking her coffee.

“Candace,” I call out as I sit up, still half-asleep.

When there’s no response, I walk out of the room and see her cell phone lying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs.

What the hell?

“Candace,” I call out again as my pulse quickens, wondering where she is. I rush over to the windows only to see that her car is gone. Panic and confusion start to tear through me. What the hell happened last night? Where is she?

I throw on a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt before getting my shoes on and then I’m out the front door and in my jeep. I rush over to her house and figure if she isn’t there then she must be at Jase’s, but when I pull up, her car is in the driveway.

Thank God.

I knock lightly, and when no one answers, I check the handle to find it’s unlocked. Worried about why she’s here and not in my bed, I go ahead and let myself in, making my way back to her room. As soon as I open her door, she’s in a frenzy, slinging the sheets from her bed across the room.

“Candace?”

She snaps around, and her face is worse than it was last night. Puffy with bloodshot eyes, and she’s crying.

“Get out,” she seethes, and my gut knots. I don’t know what’s going on, but the look in her eyes is freaking me out.

“Babe, what’s going on?” I ask as I walk towards her, but she shoots her arms out at me, not wanting me to come any closer.

“Stay away from me.”

“Baby, what happened?”

She begins to cry loudly as she backs herself against the wall, and I just want to know what the fuck happened and why she’s acting so scared of me.

“You know exactly what happened. You know exactly who I am!” she screams.

I stand there, in the middle of her room, confused as shit while my mind races to find clarity in this.

Suddenly, it hits.

She knows.

But how?

She’s freaking out, and I can’t seem to find the right words to explain myself.

“How could you?!” she screams, and I don’t know how I’m gonna calm her down. My heart is pounding, and the utter fear inside of me has me in a panic.

“Babe, let me explain.”

“Explain what?! That you’ve been lying to me this whole time? That you’ve just been using me? Why?!”

“No! It’s not like that. I didn’t know.”

“How could you not know? God, I’m so fucking stupid.”

“I didn’t know when I first met you. I didn’t know until I saw your tattoo,” I try telling her, but I see it in her eyes. She doesn’t believe me, and I don’t know what to do.

Fuck. What do I do?

“What?!”

“Babe, please let me explain.”

“Get out! Get the fuck out! I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Her words pierce through me, and I choke in a breath as she falls to the floor, wailing, but I can’t leave. My mind is racing, and I’m at a loss.

“Just leave me alone,” she cries.

“I’m not leaving,” I tell her because I don’t know how to leave her. I can’t. I’ve never seen her so mad and to have all that anger directed at me makes me terrified to walk away until I know we’re okay.

I quickly move to the floor, kneeling in front of her, but she coils herself away from me.

I’m desperate.

“I fuckin’ hate you,” she throws at me, and it kills. “You made me fall in love with you, and it was all a goddamn lie.”

“God, Candace. Please let me explain,” I beg as I reach out to touch her.

“Get out! Get the fuck out!”

My head snaps back when I hear the door slam open.

“Get the fuck out and away from her before I call the cops,” Kimber says as she stands in the doorway, but I don’t give a shit about her as I look back to my girl who is falling apart on me.

“Babe, please. I love you so fuckin’ much. Let me explain. Don’t do this.”

“I didn’t do shit, Ryan! Just go. It’s over!” She covers her face and won’t even look at me. It’s like a damn knife in my heart, and I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to believe her words. She’s just upset. She can’t really want this to be over.