E. Blair - Falling

Chaos. I’m in it when I slam through the doors and bark out, demanding only the way a feral animal would, “Where’s Jack?!”

When the guy to my left points him out, I come unleashed.

Without a conscious thought, I grab ahold of the hair on the side of his head and drive him with unrelenting force as I smash his face into the brick wall, blood splattering everywhere. The screams around me are nothing but hollow echoes as I keep my hand fisted in his hair and with one fluid movement, jerk him back and throw him to the floor, hearing the crack of wood as his head clips the edge of the table on his way down.

I watch his eyes roll back with heavy lids as I slam my fist into his face. Over and over. Blow after blow. I’m ravaged with hate, feeding this guy his own blood as I knock another punch into the side of his jaw, giving him only a small piece of what he gave my girl. I’m blinded by the rage that pounds in my chest. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill this piece of shit as I ram my fist into him until I’m suddenly pulled back.

I can’t feel anything besides the strain in my muscles, tense with fire.

“Breathe, man!” I hear Max yelling in my ear from behind me. His large hands are clamped to my arms, pinning them to my sides as I try to jerk out of his grasp. When I peel my eyes off of the sorry fucker lying there, spewing blood, I see Mark in front of me, hands against my chest, holding me back. Everything moves in slow motion around me when suddenly the noises start to filter in clearly. No more static. Everything in full force around me.

“Get the fuck off of me,” I seethe at Max.

“What the hell is going on?”

Yanking myself out of his grip, I turn and lean into his ear, forcing out the words, “He raped Candace.”

His head snaps up as he looks at me, and I see the fury in his eyes grow.

“Get the fuck outta here, man,” he tells me in a low growl.

Looking down, the guy is starting to come to, when I say, “No way, man.” I’m not even close to being finished with him. “This guy’s dead,” I spit out, and before I can propel myself on him again, Max pulls me back, and says, “You left her outside. Go!”

“Dude, she’s outside, hysterical!” Mark shouts.

That’s all he needed to say to grab me. To suck me out of this tunnel.

Looking at Max straight on, I give him my hard words, “Finish him off, and throw this piece of shit out by that dumpster.” I feel my tears well up as he nods at me. “I’m not fuckin’ kidding, man!”

“I hear you, boss,” he says when I turn to Jack, draw my foot back, and kick the living shit out of him, cramming my boot into his balls. The pained shriek that rips through his throat is the last sound I hear as I storm out, fists still clenched when I spot my girl sobbing in the front seat of my car.

“Keys,” I quietly demand as I pass Jase.

Hopping into the car, I keep my eyes to the front. I’m still fuming, and my racing heart is making it hard to take in a solid breath. I need to get the hell out of here before the cops show up, but all I want to do is go back and destroy every little piece of that sack of shit.

I know I’m scaring Candace; I know how sensitive she is, but I also know that if I open my mouth right now, I’ll probably really upset her. So I stay quiet and focus on bringing my heart rate down and calming myself. I don’t even realize how firm my grip is on the steering wheel until I feel the blood from my knuckles running down the back of my hand.

By the time I pull up to the loft, my breathing has slowed, and I’m in a daze with all that just happened. Everything that I never wanted to do in front of her, I just did. And without a single second thought. Completely shut down, letting my anger get the best of me. I wouldn’t have been able to control it even if I wanted to. And the sick thing is, I’m still not satisfied.

Parking the car, I get out and walk around to her door. When I open it, I see her reddened face, soaked with tears. I grab on to her hips and turn her towards me as I drop my head onto her lap and cry. It hurts too much to keep it in, so I let it out. I feel her body as she leans down and drapes it over mine.

I hate every piece of me that I got from him. Pounding my fists into someone else to try and make myself feel better when all I feel is worse. It’s as if I could stand in front of a mirror, and the reflection I’d see would be that of my father.

Candace holds on to me, hands threaded in my hair, but not even her touch can take this misery away. Knowing that I can’t escape what’s in my blood. I hate that I scared her, but I don’t hate what I did to that guy. I’d do it again, and worse. I just hate that this asshole has infected what Candace and I have. That he holds this power over both of us and has the ability to stir up so much pain.

When her grip loosens on me, I lift my head up, and I can see the torment in her eyes as she wipes the tears from my face. There’s blood on her fingers as I reach for her hand to hold, and I know it has to be Jack’s, so I walk her inside and straight to the bathroom. As she cleans her hands in the sink, I hop into the shower and watch the muddled, red water running off of me, taking his blood down the drain.

I can hear Candace crying, and my heart just crumbles to have her so upset. I’m terrified to see what this has done to her. She’s always been nervous of crowds because she’s always feared running into him. Now that it’s happened, I’m worried she’s going to shut down. Worried about what this has stirred up and awakened inside of her.

I quickly finish up, throwing on a pair of boxers, and slide into bed with her where she’s curled up, crying into her pillow. I scoop her in my arms, and it isn’t but seconds before I feel her tears running down my chest. Sliding us down in the bed and under the covers, I hold her close, and her loud cries begin to soften.

She draws her head back and then presses her lips to mine, but my stomach is in knots so it’s hard for me to do much of anything aside from keeping myself still.

“Make love to me,” she whispers before covering my lips with hers again.

I can’t do this. Not now.

“Baby, you’re crying.”

“I don’t care,” she says when she tugs me in and starts kissing my neck, but I don’t want to do this. It feels wrong, and she’s so upset. Pulling back to look at me, tears still spilling out, she says, “Kiss me.”

“Candace, you’re upset.”

“I need to be close to you right now. I want to get him out of my head, and you’re the only one who can do that for me.”

I roll on top of her, hating what I’m about to do because it feels so wrong when she’s hurting so bad. “Are you sure, babe?”

“Yes.”

The thought of making love to her in the shadow of him makes me sick, but if this is what she needs, I won’t deny her. As soon as I slip my hand under her top and take her breast in my hand, she starts pulling my boxers down. Rushing.

“Candace,” I plead, wanting her to slow down.

“Please, Ryan.”

Hearing her desperate voice, I take off my boxers and then sit back as I remove her shorts. She quickly strips her top off and pulls me down to her, urging me, so I go ahead and slide inside of her. Nothing about this feels right. With her eyes closed, she grabs my hips, wanting me to move faster, so I do. As she clings to me, and I give her a part of me that I never wanted to experience with her. She won’t look at me, and I don’t feel like I could even ask that of her. Holding on to my hips, she encourages me to thrust myself inside of her. I never wanted it to be this way with us. So disconnected and too fast.

I watch as she cries. She’s cried while we’ve made love in the past but for completely different reasons. It kills me to know that it isn’t me behind her closed eyes; it’s chaos mixed with me. It’s him , it’s that night, it’s this night, it’s everything I never wanted to bring into our bed.