Jen McLaughlin: Out of Time

“There was an ambush. IEDs and guns…” He drew in a deep breath and covered his face with his hands. “He’s in surgery, but I already knew that. They won’t tell me anything else. They claim not to know.” He dropped his hands from his face. “I think he’s alive. I’d know it if he wasn’t, wouldn’t I?”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I was too busy trying not to break down. We clung to each other’s hands, not speaking. The whole ride to the airport felt like a nightmare. And the long plane ride turned out to be even worse.

I spent the whole flight praying and praying that Finn would be all right. But even more so, I prayed that this was all a dream. I was so sure I’d wake up in Finn’s arms. He would laugh at me for being such a paranoid wreck, and I would snuggle in. I looked out the window and saw the clouds beneath us, and the pain hit me all over again.

It wouldn’t leave me alone.

Dad swiped his finger across his phone. What was he doing, anyway? He couldn’t be messaging anyone or doing something important since we were flying. I swear to God, if he was playing Candy Crush when I was dying inside, I’d kill him. He hadn’t said a word to me this whole flight, but I didn’t care.

I didn’t have time for my daddy issues. Not when Finn…

God, he couldn’t be dead. It wasn’t possible. I had to believe, like Larry, that I would know if he was gone. I covered my mouth with my free hand, fighting back another sob trying to escape me. Wouldn’t I know it, deep inside?

I had to believe I would, because the alternative wasn’t acceptable. He’d left the country for me, for us, and now he could…he might be… dead .

And this was all my fault. If he died, that was on me.

After all, if he hadn’t met me, and wanted to change for my father, he wouldn’t have been offered that assignment. And he wouldn’t have taken it. This had all been for us, and now he’d paid the ultimate price. While I…while I what? Dined and chatted with Riley, pretending I was single in front of my parents?

And why? All because he didn’t fit in my world?

I was done. So freaking done .

I turned on my father, who was still staring at his phone. “He did this for you, you know,” I said, a sob breaking up the last word. “He said you wouldn’t accept him as he was, so he was trying to fix himself. Trying to make himself better . Are you happy now, Dad?”

Dad sat up straighter, the color draining from his face, but he didn’t answer me. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was transferring my anger at myself onto my father, but I didn’t freaking care. “Carrie…”

Larry squeezed my hand. “This isn’t your father’s fault, doll.”

“Yes, it is,” I said, sinking back against the plane seat. “It’s his fault, and it’s mine , too. Finn didn’t think he was good enough for us. Didn’t think my world would accept him. Well, I don’t want a part in a world that doesn’t accept a man like Finn. Not anymore. I’m done with it all. Done .”

Dad finally broke his silence. “Carrie, don’t be unreasonable. It’s not like I knew about this. Griffin couldn’t have known my reaction. He did this to better himself, not to better himself for me.”

I laughed hysterically, then covered my mouth. “Don’t you get it? He can’t better himself because he’s already perfect. He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met, but when you look at him, you won’t see that. You’ll see the tattoos and the motorcycle. Let’s not pretend otherwise, especially not in front of Larry.”

We all fell silent, and I closed my eyes. Tears rolled down my cheeks, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. What was the point? Nothing mattered until the freaking plane landed in Germany and we got to Finn. Until I got to see him. Nothing mattered until I knew whether he was still here with me.

The rest of the flight passed by with agonizing slowness, but I didn’t break my silence the whole time. None of us did. We just sat there. Waiting. Hoping. Praying.

When we landed and got in the waiting town car, my mind was numb. And when the car pulled up in front of the hospital, after a series of ID checks and verifications, I was the first one out of it. I offered Larry my hand. He took it as he came out, holding on to it for support as we made our way in through the revolving glass doors.

Dad walked beside us, his tie loose, and his security behind us. I glowered at him. “You brought them here?”

“Yes, Carrie, I brought them here,” he said, his voice tired. “They go where I go. And, as you obviously know, where you go, too.”

I turned my head, not wanting to do this right now. Not able to do it. “Do we know where to go, Larry?”

“They said the third floor.” He pointed at the elevator. “So I’m guessing we start there.”

We walked to it in silence, holding hands still. By the time the elevator arrived, and we rode it to the third floor, I wasn’t sure my legs would work anymore. But somehow, when the doors opened, I walked out. And then I took the steps that led us to the receptionist, who wore a scrub top with cartoon turkeys on it.

“Can I help you?” she asked, pushing her glasses up her nose.

Larry stepped forward and rested his hand on the desk. It looked casual enough, but I knew he rested on it for support. “Y-Yes, we’re here for Sergeant Griffin Coram. We don’t know if he’s…”

When he didn’t finish, instead covering his mouth and closing his eyes, I stepped forward and I squeezed his hand tighter. “If he’s still alive, he means.”

God, even saying that hurt.

The nurse’s brown eyes flashed with pity, and she looked at her computer. “Go have a seat, and someone will be with you.”

“Can you tell us anything?” Larry asked, his face pale. “Anything at all?”

She hesitated. “It’s not my place to do so, sir. There’s protocol and rules…”

“P-Please?” I added, catching her gaze. “Even something tiny.”

She sighed. “He’s here. That’s really all I know. I don’t know where or how he’s doing. I don’t even know if he’s…living. I just see his name in the system—and that’s all I can tell you.”

Tears fell down my cheeks and I nodded, biting down on my lower lip. “Th-Thank you,” I managed to say before I led Larry to his seat.

Dad followed, his fists tight at his sides. “That’s bull. They can’t tell you anything?”

“It’s the way the military works,” Larry said, collapsing in the plastic chair. “It’s always been this way.”

“Someone ought to fix that,” Dad grumbled.

Larry and I both gave Dad a pointed stare, and then we all fell silent again. We sat there for what had to have been two hours before we saw anyone. A nurse in pink scrubs came up to us—her eyes empty and her face carefully neutral. “Sir? I can take you to your son now. The rest of your party will have to wait out here.”

I stood up, almost falling over in my haste. “Can’t I come, too?” I asked, my voice cracking. “Please?”

“Family only, ma’am,” the nurse said, her eyes showing me she didn’t want to refuse me. “I’m sorry.”

I bit back a sob and covered my mouth. I didn’t want to stay out here. I wanted to be with him. With Finn. “Okay. I’ll wait here.”

“You’ll let her go back,” Dad said, his voice clear and strong. “I’m Senator Wallington from the United States Senate, and that boy back there is one of mine. I’ll gladly follow your rules and wait, but you’ll let her go back.”

I looked at him in surprise, tears still blinding my vision. “D-Dad?”

“Sir…I can’t.”

Larry rested a hand on her arm. “He’d want her back there. Whether he’s alive or not…he’d want her there.” He paused. “Please.”